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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu in not seeing the difference what so ever !

30 replies

maddymoo25 · 05/10/2013 18:34

hey I was at lunch with a good friend today who is a mum of 2, heroh woks full time and she Is a stahm. they receive wtc and cb.
she was discussing a mutual mate of ours who is a single mum of 1 and is a stahm who receives income support ctc and cb.
she was being rather opinionated about her relying on benefit and not working. I don't really see the difference between the 2 of them, she is better off that our other mate but is a stahm too so what gives her the right to judge her

aibu ????

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 05/10/2013 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilicat1013 · 05/10/2013 18:40

I am a stay at home mum with a husband who works full time. I suppose I am technically considered a carer as I receive carers allowance for my son but basically in the same situation as your friend.

I wouldn't consider myself any better or any less reliant on benefits than your single parent friend so I don't think you are being unreasonable.

She seems quite mean to be making nasty comments about someone who is supposed to be a friend.

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 05/10/2013 18:40

I stated my opinion, saying that she chooses to be a stahm toobut her replys are all ver much the same " we pay tax " and at least one us is earning

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 05/10/2013 18:41

Well what was she actually saying?

KirjavaTheCorpse · 05/10/2013 18:41

She sounds like a lovely friend.

I have a friend who's very judgmental about benefit claimants now she has a job. Nevermind the fact she was unemployed and fully reliant on those very same benefits for seven years then. You have to pull people up on these comments and make them realise what arses they sound like.

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 05/10/2013 18:42

lillicat see I feel the same . I am a working mum but get top ups and wouldn't judge them for their choices when in reality I also rely on the state x

OP posts:
Original poster
maddymoo25 · 05/10/2013 18:47

hey soulsister , we got in to a debate and basically she was expressing her opinions that our friend relys on benefits solely without any contribution where as her household has an income and pays taxes and her oh works so she can be a stahm

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 05/10/2013 18:49

Well of course she's in a different situation! Perhaps she should mind her own business, but the fact is that the two women are in different situations.

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 05/10/2013 18:53

but in theory they are both being pad by the govrmen to be stahm ? in that sense it is the same just one has a partner who works and one is a lone parent.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/10/2013 18:55

This person is a "good friend"? Hmm

I'd wonder how she talked about me behind my back.

Wallison · 05/10/2013 18:59
YouTheCat · 05/10/2013 19:02

Just she think the single mum should just shack up with the first working bloke she meets? Hmm

I doubt she's a single parent through choice. I'd get a new friend.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2013 19:04

Wallison, a single person would be claiming housing benefit as well.

I wasn't implying anyone was a skiver; I was just saying the situations are different.

Wallison · 05/10/2013 19:06

I know quite a few single parents who don't claim housing benefit - they got the house in the settlement, or they can manage the mortgage because they'd bought it some years earlier and maintenance helps out etc. And I repeat, even with factoring in housing benefit, I get more off the state working than I would not working. I'm sure that's the case for lots of parents, whether single or not.

Wallison · 05/10/2013 19:10

And since the married so-called 'friend' seems to look down her nose at the single parent friend because of what the latter claims in benefits, then the amount that these women get is relevant. Of course, it's all nonsense and you shouldn't be making value judgements on it, but if she (or any other married sahm whose stay at home is funded by the state) wants to look at things in those terms, they'd do well to maybe have a think about their own arrangements.

exmrs · 05/10/2013 19:15

You should ask your friend what she would do if her oh left her would she continue to be sahm or would she work ?
She is looking down on your other friend for being a single parent thinking it will never happen to her.
If the single parent got someone to move in with her I'd bet she would have something to say about that as well.
You are right op there is no difference to the 2 situations other than she has a partner

Original poster
maddymoo25 · 05/10/2013 19:17

wallison I totally agree, and your right as I am a lone parent if I quit my job I wouldn't housing benefit so I get what your saying.

OP posts:
JRmumma · 05/10/2013 19:49

Makes me so angry when someone who thinks because their OH works that they are entitled to ctc, hb etc because they pay tax and NI. I think you will find that they are both equally receiving 'benefits' and actually with her 2 kids who i assume use NHS services, do or will go to school etc she probably costs the gov more. Its so narrow minded to say that those who live in a household with no 'earned' income are the ones who take/receive more.

Wallison · 05/10/2013 19:51

Whereas I (along with 2 million others, fact fans - 1/3 of HB claimants are employed, another 1/3 are pensioners - it's not primarily an out-of-work benefit by any means) do get housing benefit, even though I'm working.

LouiseAderyn · 05/10/2013 20:20

She is probably viewing it as her dh paying tax and therefore funding himself the wtc and cb that they as a couple receive.

She is not taking into account that her family's use of the nhs and schools probably costs more than her dh pays in tax. She is also being short sighted about her own position if her dh died or she got divorced.

You could point out to her that while she is looking down on the single sahm, the sah wife of a high earner, who receives no cb or tax credit could well be looking down on her.

ilovexmastime · 05/10/2013 20:30

Good point Louise.

Beastofburden · 05/10/2013 21:15

If she takes any state support at all, she is BU.

And if she is so keen on working and paying tax, tell her to do it herself and get a job, rather than taking credit for what her OH is actually doing. we pay tax, bollocks, he does. She spends his money.

BillyBanter · 05/10/2013 21:25

Maybe with all the hatemongering in the press about people on benefits your friend feels shit about herself and has said this to try to make herself feel better about herself by feeling she is better than someone.

It's a very common behaviour, the exploitation of which works well for people in power who want to see us fight amongst ourselves instead of blaming them.

bearleftmonkeyright · 05/10/2013 21:25

Quite why you feel the need to judge either of them is beyond me. Whether their situations are the same or different is neither here nor there. It is their situation. Not yours. It is a friendship circle of judginess from what I can see. I would forget it if I were you.

froubylou · 05/10/2013 21:28

How much tax does her dh pay? If they get wtc etc probably not a great deal. First 10k will be tax free to start with.

Ask her. Then ask her how much she gets back in wtc and fa etc etc.

Then pull a judgey face and point out that she is hardly keeping the country and single parents in particular afloat with that massive contribution to the system.

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