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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let this friendship slide now?

37 replies

mistyshouse · 05/10/2013 11:23

she was my best friend. from the age of 10 to about 25ish we were inseperable, like sisters, our families were friends as well (our dads were best friends)

but in the last few years we have drifted apart. we are 33 now. i think its possibly because our lives went in different directions. we had dcs but we had them at different times, she was a single mum, where i was (and am) in a couple, we live in different towns, have different friends. but she still means a lot to me, so i have tried and tried over the years to keep the friendship going but its quite one sided (ie from my side)

she is getting married soon and recently announced on FB who her bridesmaids were. i am not one of them, but she was maid of honour at my wedding. it really hurt me to not even be asked, but i thought well its her wedding and her choice. but it really drove home to me that i probably don't mean as much to her anymore

when we do meet up its great and she always says how sorry she is we don't see eachother more and that she misses me etc, and blames having small dcs (she has 3 under 6). but then i see her on FB seeing other friends all the time (she is the type to write about every social thing she ever does, and who she has seen etc. yet she never does that if she has seen me) i think, well you have time for them. they all live in the same small village as well, and have done for years, whereas i live in the city, its like she hasn't got time for me as i don't live in their little community

the other day i texted to ask her how she was etc and she never replied. but she is always on her phone and i kept seeing phone FB updates from her so she would have seen it but not been arsed to reply. then this morning i see a facebook status saying "great to see old friends last night, you all mean the world to me, you know who you are xxxxxxxx" ....well i am an old friend, yet she couldnt even be arsed to text back

i don't have a big crowd of friends like she does, i have just a few close ones. i am shy and find it hard to make friends anyway. i just miss her :( but maybe i should stop bothering now

ps - am 3 months pg so very hormonal and that is not helping

OP posts:

KirjavaTheCorpse · 05/10/2013 11:29

I think you're right. Step back and focus on yourself, perhaps the realisation that you won't be the one to instigate contact anymore will make her realise she does value your friendship, and means she has to make an effort as well - maybe not.

Perhaps she views you as an old acquaintance. I'd concentrate on my other close friends and let this one go its natural course.

LindyHemming · 05/10/2013 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlottehere · 05/10/2013 11:32

Sad but that's life.

Wishfulmakeupping · 05/10/2013 11:34

Yes time to move on- focus on your other friends

Wishfulmakeupping · 05/10/2013 11:35

Yes time to move on- focus on your other friends

westbest · 05/10/2013 11:37

I think facebook has a lot to answer for too- I fell out with a friend because she was constantly facebooking but never replied to my emails or texts (we didnt speak for 3 years). I generally find also that people do put the public relations version of their life on there.

Could you join an pregnancy class so you meet expectant mums in your situation? I am shy too but met some nice people through my nct group.

Big hugs to you- I have been there too so know how you feel- if your friend is being weird and making you feel sad then she isnt a good friend anyway xxx

PTFO · 05/10/2013 11:40

let her go, she has already let you go. im sorry, its hard.

pictish · 05/10/2013 11:42

Awww I feel for you. That is very hurtful.
She won't be intending any malice to you, I'm sure...but yes it does seem as though you have come to feature less prominently in her life.

The shit thing is OP - that's life. Other people and other things have crowded in of their own accord, and taken up her time and consideration. I agree it's time for you to move on and perhaps make new friends yourself. I realise the notion is not appealing to you, and I do sympathise, but I can't see what else to advise. Friendships do wax and wane, and some just stop completely. There's no rhyme or reason to it, other than life gets in the way. x

hermioneweasley · 05/10/2013 11:44

One sided friendships don't work. Stop making contact and it will fizzle out.

So sorry for you, I know how it hurts. Focus on your real friends, and making new friends if you want to extend your circle.

redexpat · 05/10/2013 11:52

Sounds as if she is an out of sight out of mind person.

WahIzzit · 05/10/2013 12:03

Sorry OP. Its shit isnt it :( many of my oldest dearest friends from school are pretty much the same. I have moved away from them and they simply are not bothered about keeping contact.

On FB it does seem like everyone has the most awesome social life, and I know of some sad people whose actually main intention for going on nights out is so they can stick pics on their FB and seem really sociable and popular!

Try and get out there to pregnancy groups etc and meet other people, it takes time for true friendships to develop. She doesn't seem worth the headspace.

Pawprint · 05/10/2013 12:18

Sad to say, it sounds like she has dropped you for reasons best known to herself. People sometimes evolve away from one another and it's a shame when it happens.

I had a friend from my single days who I was, at one time, very close to. I don't know why she ended the friendship but, after a very long time of not hearing from her, I telephoned her. She had moved house and not given me her new number. That pretty much told me the friendship was over and I was sad.

Some years later, I found her on FB and we did the usual catch up but don't really communicate anymore. Since drifting apart, we have both married and had children but didn't share those experiences when they happened because we weren't in touch. She lives abroad now I doubt very much I will see her again.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 05/10/2013 12:31

I think friendships like this can have an ebb and flow. You are right to take a step back but don't write her off for good. Sounds like she is caught up with friends who conveniently live close by at the moment, but your relationship might come to the fore again in the future.

I agree that people who constantly post on FB about their social lives sometimes remind me of teenage boys who talk about all the sex they are supposedly having.

diddl · 05/10/2013 12:39

Well with three young ones, she's obviously going to find it hard to get to you & do more with nearby people.

That doesn't explain the not answering a text, though.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 05/10/2013 12:42

I has a somewhat similar situation I dropped the friendship. For the next few years much to my surprise my friend made all the effort to make contact which we did maintain and we have now rekindled the friendship on a different footing.

mummymeister · 05/10/2013 12:44

best to move on now whilst you still have good memories of your friendship. my experience of this is that if you do keep it going and its one sided then each time you see them it becomes a bit more forced and the bitterness grows. the longer you leave it the more bitter you get so bail out now with some great memories of the fun times you had as friends. do the Christmas card thing this year but let her do the running. you are obviously a good and loyal friend. there will be other people nearer by who want to be friends with you - tough to do as you get older but it does happen. good luck with the baby.

Viviennemary · 05/10/2013 12:48

It is hurtful especially as she didn't even answer your text. Are you invited to the wedding. If not I think I would just not be friends with her on Facebook as there is no point in getting upset seeing what a great time she is supposed to be having.

It's a bit sad when people have to put on Facebook what a wonderful life they have, how popular they are and how many friends they've got. Sounds as if she's got a cyber life rather than a real one. Try and focus on the people you see regularly and just let this drift if you can.

Original poster

mistyshouse · 05/10/2013 13:27

yes am invited to the wedding, and am invited to her hen do which is soon. am dreading it tbh as i won't really know anyone apart from her. and as upduffed i can't even drink alcohol to make it easier :o

and yes facebook doesnt help, i think it must make a lot of people feel bad, but it is edited highlights, i only ever put the good bits on. and am also guilty of putting social events on there (mainly cos i hardly have any!) if anyone saw my facebook they would probably think i am really popular, but the truth is i can count my best friends on one hand

i think i will see if there are any antenatal groups around, i would love to meet other mums to be. i have 2 other dcs and both pregnancies i didnt have any friends going through pregnancy at the same time, i would love to have that. i do feel quite isolated, its not very friendly where i live, and as i said i dont have many friends. but the ones i have are fab. i would just like more of them lol :)

thanks for the replies x

OP posts:

marriedinwhiteisbackz · 05/10/2013 13:39

You are friends but your lives have moved on and so the friendship is more dilute. It happens but it doesn't mean she thinks less of you just that life has changed. We all grow. I only hear from my best friend (from school) at christmas now. Her eldest is nearly 30, mine nearly 19, she has been divorced twice - I married and started later but have stayed married. She lives in our home county; I live in London. Our lives have taken different turns but she is still my friend and I am still hers. We can still pick up our friendship when we see each other and that probably only happens about every five years now. But I still care about her - she just isn't part of my day to day life for all sorts of practical reasons and the ways our lives have gone in different directions.

We are 53 btw.

diddl · 05/10/2013 14:07

"but the truth is i can count my best friends on one hand"

-me too, & I don't even need to use all the fingers!

Original poster

mistyshouse · 05/10/2013 17:43

i hope its that marriedinwhite - i still want to be friends with her if she wants to be friends with me - but i don't want to push the friendship if she has for whatever reason stopped wanting to be friends with me

i worry am i boring, or shit company or something? or not a nice person. as they would be the only reasons i would ever drop a friendship. i value them all too bloody much to let any of them go, perhaps thats the thing, if you are mega popular you dont appreciate your friends as much and don't mind dropping a few :(

OP posts:

pigletmania · 05/10/2013 17:50

I would Go to the he and the wedding, but accept that things have moved on and don't out too much effort into that friendship. You never know, you might make new friends at her hen, you might reignite the spark you once had. I think I would not have high expectations for that friendship.

pigletmania · 05/10/2013 17:52

Misty if She felt tat way she would have not have invited you to the hen or wedding, keep an open mind.

Original poster

mistyshouse · 06/10/2013 17:49

yes thats true i suppose piglet

i should go on the hen shouldn't i? i really feel if i don't go she will probably just ditch me as a few others have backed out and she has been very vocal on fb about how pissed off she is with her "so called friends" etc. am utterly eading it though, i am going to feel really awkward. and its a "spa weekend" and i will have to share a hotel room with someone i don't know

OP posts:

pigletmania · 06/10/2013 19:26

Misty just keep positive about it, look at it as an opportunity to meet new people and abey make a friend or two, you might like who your sharing with. If you don't want to share a hotel room, how about a Travelodge or premier inn or b&b?

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