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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not that hard to write "love" in a birthday card

28 replies

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 04/10/2013 09:08

Every bloody year MIL signs my birthday card "from MIL and FIL". Every year it hurts my heart to read it. I don't think I've ever not signed a card "love Hotel" and feel like she signs it "from" to make the point that I'm not loved by them.

AIBU to think its a bit mean of her?

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 04/10/2013 09:10

well what does she write in other peoples.

I write love but tbh I often think 'no I fucking dont' particularly in relation to certain family members

valiumredhead · 04/10/2013 09:10

If she has always done it why do you expect her to change now? Is it just the card, I expect there is a back story, isn't there?

KhunZhoop · 04/10/2013 09:10

I think you're being a tad oversensitive if they've never used the phrase in a card. It's a platitude at best, not an actual declaration of love.

OldSchoolMamma · 04/10/2013 09:13

I don't like all the lovey dovey stuff in cards anyway but if it means something to you and your MIL knows then she is being a tiny weeny bit mean and you are being a bit oversensitive.

Original poster
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 04/10/2013 09:13

She writes in in DH's cards. It feels like highlighting I'm not part of the family.

I probably am being oversensitive but feel like NotYoMomma in that you write it even if you don't - pointing out that they don't feels unnecessary.

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 04/10/2013 09:15

Do they write love in other people's cards?

Either way,I think you are being a bit oversensitive. It doesn't really matter whether they live you or not, you didn't marry them, you married their son and his love is what counts.

If they really didn't give a shit about you, or about having a good relationship with you, they wouldn't bother with a card at all.

MisselthwaiteManor · 04/10/2013 09:18

DH doesn't write love in cards, it looks silly when he writes "to mum and dad, from H" but that's just what some people do. If she is writing love in other people's cards though then I agree it's a little upsetting.

Original poster
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 04/10/2013 09:22

She writes love to DH. I appreciate he's her son and therefore different but it does feel pointed that she is saying from to me.

I guess I wouldn't consider writing from in a card - though maybe will employ it for her next birthday.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 04/10/2013 09:27

Apart from this issue, how is your relationship with your PIL?

Eastpoint · 04/10/2013 09:30

My dad doesn't even write my name, just writes 'Tom'

Original poster
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 04/10/2013 09:30

Non-existent. I ask them to supper/lunch or suggest we drive over and take them out and she declines - not in a "we're busy that day but could do Wednesday" kind of way but a flat out no. We ring them, they don't ring us (but I think that's not unusual) and there are cards on birthdays.

She said to a friend of mine on our wedding day that DH married a stranger but refuses any of my efforts to establish a relationship with her. It makes me really sad, particularly when she highlights it on my birthday Sad

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 04/10/2013 09:33

I only write 'love' if I do love them.
And if others do the same to me and they don't love me, including pil, then that's cool.

I find it odd when people put 'all my love' too.

I would shrug it off. I mean, do you love them? If not, put 'best wishes' in their cards next time.

quoteunquote · 04/10/2013 09:47

Add the word Love to the next card in green ink, and leave on display.

Chocotrekkie · 04/10/2013 09:55

My mil doesn't even get me a card or acknowledge my birthday in any way (even when looking at my other cards)

I don't do anything for hers now - if DH remembers, goes out and buys a card, buys a stamp, writes it and then actually posts it she gets something - otherwise not..
One day he might manage all this..

Binkyridesagain · 04/10/2013 09:59

Choco, my MIL is the same but it has only been the past 3 years that she stopped sending a card. I now don't bother with her, the only reason she ever got anything before was because I did the leg work, now she's lucky if DH remembers.

OP you might have to accept that the relationship you want with her is not going to happen.

DeWe · 04/10/2013 10:07

I have no idea either what my ILs write in my cards, nor what I write in theirs. I probably write "Love from" because that was how I was taught to when I was little, but I don't put a lot of thought into in.

"Ha I'm going to be really petty and horrible and just write "from"...."
No. Can't see anyone doing that.

GangstersLoveToDance · 04/10/2013 10:23

Some people are weird with cards. I always write 'Love from' as anything else seems cold to me.

My nan is a strange one. She just signs the card - that's it. Just 'nanna' or 'mam'. No 'To X...' or anything.

Trills · 04/10/2013 10:23

Yes, YABU. Unless there are other issues I think you are ascribing far too much meaning to the choice of wording.

Which is more likely?

They consider you to be less important than you consider them.
They have a different boundary for the level of "importance" at which they switch from "from" to "love" in cards.

Not everyone does things the same way you do.

Trills · 04/10/2013 10:24

Some people (like you?) write "love" for anyone who they consider themselves close to.

Some people (like your in-laws?) reserve "love" for people who whom they would say "I love you".

It doesn't mean that they love or respect or like you any less.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 04/10/2013 10:35

If they really didn't give a shit about you, or about having a good relationship with you, they wouldn't bother with a card at all

Sorry, BrokenSunglasses I disagree with this. I get a birthday card from MIL, FIL and SIL each year and my FIL didn't even say 'hello' to me on my wedding day and hasn't spoken to me since. I barely speak to MIL or SIL and I still receive a card signed by all of them!

OP, I think some people are just like that. Yes, it hurts but it wouldn't be something I would bring up with them as it would seem so trivial. It might be better to use other examples from your experience with them to discuss your relationship with them (your post does suggest that there are more issues than just the card issue).

jellybeans · 04/10/2013 10:44

YANBU. I know exactly how you feel as my MIL did the same to me for years. Love in everyone elses except mine! Really hurt. Amazingly things got better (coincided to DH standing up to her and them moving further away) and now she writes love from in all! So it is def as they are not accepting you. Maybe get DH to make a 'joke' of it to hs mum and ask does she realise she does this!

KhunZhoop · 04/10/2013 11:59

My PIL just sign their names, no message, no "love", nothing. But I do have an extremely good relationship with them. It's just their way.

Original poster
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 04/10/2013 12:15

I don't think it's their way - it's their way with me, and there are plenty of other little examples which all sound petty as hell but together build a pattern. I won't bring it up but I do find it odd. Thanks for the perspective.

Oddly, I don't think it'd be as noticeable if they just signed their names. The from seems very deliberate iyswim (far too much time to think about things). I'm not from a particularly effusive family, so don't need the declarations of love - they make me uncomfortable - but I can't think of when I signed anything as "from Hotel" beyond the age of about six. Best wishes, kind regards, love, yours sincerely etc, but never from.

Different people, different behaviours. It's all part of life's rich pattern, isn't it.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/10/2013 12:26

Does it cause problems with you & your husband?

Is she openly hostile to you?

TBH, I'm pretty sure that my ILs don't love me, & it doesn't bother me at all.

They've never wanted to see just me & their only GC.

All that's done is piss husband off & make him withdraw from them.

Original poster
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 04/10/2013 12:34

No, DH is constantly disappointed with their treatment of us - and tbh I'm more bothered by their treatment of him than of me - he's their son fgs. They don't need to love me - they should, however, accept me.

I suppose the problem is that they constantly bemoan the lack of relationship but won't accept any attempts from us to build one - so we have got to the point of no longer trying, which creates more complaints. If they want a relationship the door is firmly open, but they need to start either accepting invitations or including us in things.

Families can be such hard work!

OP posts: