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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Perspective Needed... Comment in school book

30 replies

NCFail · 04/10/2013 01:44

I think I might be being UR

Basically DD has ASD & is statemented. We have a comments book.
Today it said she was having a good time in first lesson so didnt have her downtime then it mentioned there was an incident in second lesson.

AIBU to have written that the incident might have been avoided if she had downtime?

Or am I a grumpy, miserable, interfering parent who is reacting to feeling very unsupported?

Be honest... It's written now but I am lying awake worrying Hmm

(Has to be said that school stuff makes me anxious in a good day Confused)

OP posts:
runningonwillpower · 04/10/2013 01:49

The real issue is why are you feeling unsupported?

Can you speak directly to the school about this?

Original poster
NCFail · 04/10/2013 01:49

*on a good day....

Sorry!

OP posts:
Original poster
NCFail · 04/10/2013 01:51

I did speak to school a few weeks ago and the head ended up dealing with it... and I felt terrible about it all Hmm

Haven't known what to say since / feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
fabergeegg · 04/10/2013 01:59

Doesn't sound anything to be lying awake worrying over. You made a simple observation. The teachers are seeing small parts of the picture but you are the one with the bigger perspective who is able to look from one class to the next and see a pattern. I don't think they should feel it's sarky because it was constructive and appropriate but if they do, their loss.

The head would be sure to agree, I've no doubt. Perhaps teacher in the first class was so glad things were going well she didn't have the heart to stop him for a rest etc.. Well-meant, I'm sure.

MyNameIsWinkly · 04/10/2013 02:07

Not unreasonable at all. Presumably the downtime is in place to stop her from getting overwrought. The downtime didn't happen and she became overwrought. Who implemented the downtime idea? Presumably someone more qualified in the field of dealing with pupils with ASD than the subject teacher who ignored them.

Original poster
NCFail · 04/10/2013 07:48

Winky

Yes the downtime is suggested by everyone with autism expertise. More crucially though they really shouldn't change the timetable.

I think my worried stem from feeling like I always criticise... I don't as I actually wrote to the head in July to thank them. Since Sept though things have been badly handled and when I raised it no one listened until the head got involved but I had to witness a couple if his teachers being 'told off' which was excruciating Hmm
As I result my relationship with school feels really awkward Hmm

OP posts:
amber381 · 04/10/2013 08:06

YANBU. It sounds very unprofessional the way the HT told off teachers in front of you :(

SilverApples · 04/10/2013 08:24

I'm a teacher, and my Aspie DS went through MS schools. The staff need to see the connection between downtime and her ability to cope with the next challenge. They should already know that, your comment is helpful and it's a shame it was necessary to point out the bleeding obvious.
Keep doing it, politely and calmly every time.
When DS had a meltdown in school, I was able to trace the fuse that had been lit every single time. IT was only when teachers started to realise cause and effect that they began to see that his meltdowns were often avoidable if they stuck to the plan.
You did well, keep doing it.

SilverApples · 04/10/2013 08:26

You may have an awkward relationship, but if you are being polite, firm and consistent the responsibility for that awkwardness is entirely on the school. Your DD needs you to be her advocate, and sometimes that's not possible whilst having a snuggly and warm relationship with school or other parents. They need to change, it's not you. Or DD.

WestieMamma · 04/10/2013 08:27

OP my daughter has AS too, I know exactly what you mean. I used to feel really bad about the fact that I was constantly nagging the school and pulling them up for mistakes which shouldn't have been happening. But then I'd remind myself that I'm speaking up for my daughter, I'm doing what I'm doing because she needs me to. If the school end up hating me for it, so be it. So long as they are doing right by her.

Thankfully my daughter is now 20 so I can retire from being the school's #1 pain in the neck.

Never feel guilty for standing up for your DDs needs.

Tee2072 · 04/10/2013 08:30

Stop worrying about what they think of you and do everything you can to get them to support your daughter.

The school think I'm a total pain in the ass about my possibly ASD son (still waiting for diagnosis) but I don't care. His needs are the most important thing.

Goldmandra · 04/10/2013 08:34

I'm in the same position as you and I used to worry about being a PITA.

A few years down the line I realise that it's my job to advocate for my DDs and that includes identifying when their support isn't being properly implemented and acting to rectify the situation.

The staff clearly don't understand the purpose of the down time if they are skipping it because she is enjoying a lesson so that's the way I would tackle this.

Email the school or write a note back in the book explaining that the purpose of the down time is to prevent overload (social, sensory, whatever it is) and that this overload will still occur even when she is enjoying a lesson. If they really want the flexibility to postpone her downtime when she's really engaged in some learning they need to make sure it happens immediately that lesson is over to prevent a meltdown in the next lesson.

This is not opinion. It is fact based on your expert knowledge of your child and you are doing the right think by them and your child by making sure they understand the purpose of the measures in place to support her.

If a professional with expertise in ASD had been watching they would have intervened and explained so you, as the expert in your DD, should do the same.

Cuddlydragon · 04/10/2013 08:35

I agree with Tee. Stop worrying about their opinion of you and focus on being an advocate for your daughter. Could you flip your way of thinking and get annoyed they aren't following your daughter's schedule.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 04/10/2013 08:41

I has something similar recently I got behaviour comments back on dd and I nearly rubbed them out because I was annoyed as they related to what is soon to be diagnosed dx which the school is more than well aware of. I understand exactly how you feel. Then I calmed down and on the great advice I got here I wrote a very constructive positive note and I focussed on the outcome I wanted which was support for dd. I intended to go meet them but the schools response to the note was immediate and was very positive and I feel we all ended up acting constructively in dds interests. It is my intention to casually and subtly mention some of the issues surrounding their handling of a few similar issues, all down to lack of understanding of the condition, but definitely not in anyway confrontationally.

WhereToGoForReferal · 04/10/2013 08:42

The downtime is in her timetable to enable her to cope - she needs it!!!! It's not up to the teacher to decide not to follow what has been set. Would she decide not to give a dose of medication because the child was having fun?????

You are 100% correct in questioning this - I would have gone further than you and demanded to know why the teacher didn't follow dds timetable!

ICameOnTheJitney · 04/10/2013 08:50

YANBU please don't be "all British" about asking for what your DD needs. You are being her advocate...that's your job...their job is to make sure she gets what she needs. xxx

her downtime is in place to ensure she's able to manage the day....they can't just scratch it because they think she's having a good time.

SilverApples · 04/10/2013 08:51

I've always saved the big ammunition for when PARD has failed to achieve what I wanted. I'd rather be positive and supportive and explain first, then put on my stomping boots if that hasn't worked.

SilverApples · 04/10/2013 08:52

They did it through ignorance, rather than malicious intent. Ignorance is easier to fix, if they are willing to listen and learn.

mrsjay · 04/10/2013 08:55

you made an observation that is the point of her book she didn't have downtime so had an incident, so you saw the connection right away dont worry about it your child has asd you need to keep up communication with school so her time their runs as smoothly as possible, she didn't get her down time she needs it your comment will make sure she gets it and you are all on the same page, I hope you are feeling better today Smile

Original poster
NCFail · 04/10/2013 09:03

Thank you everyone Grin

I feel much happier this morning. I think I just get worn down by the continual crisis management which exists in school.
There seems to be a constant surprise at these ideas yet they have an autism specialism Hmm
Problem is she doesn't appear to have autism, just challenging behaviour Confused

As one said though I can generally trace back to the trigger every single time and its normally changing the timetable or unstructured time... Or a poor social event.

The way I feel at school is so silly though... I get really anxious due to a previous bad experience yet I am do lots of awareness work with professionals without feel awful Smile

Thankfully I saw a couple of the other SEN mums this morning and they gave me the same kick up the bum as you lot have given me virtually.
It's so hard some days though Hmm

OP posts:
mrsjay · 04/10/2013 09:13

It is hard My dd isn't ASD she has a co ordinaiton problem and every new term in August it is the same thing new teachers they forget or just don't realise, give her a talking too because her hand writing is scrawly or her maths isn't up to scratch or she seems distracted, it is exhausting having to contact her pupil support it takes a few weeks for it to be sorted sigh

It's nice you have other parents who can give you that gentle kick though and put things into perspective

Original poster
NCFail · 04/10/2013 16:15

And after all that they didn't even acknowledge the comment Hmm

OP posts:
SilverApples · 04/10/2013 16:26

They don't see how important it is, so time to keep a paper trail of all communications and incidents.
Just so if you do end up having to put your stomping boots on, and your flame-proof knickers, you also have ammunition. AKA evidence. Grin
It is also calming and helpful for you to have notes to read from, if school and staff make you a bit nervous.

Balaboosta · 04/10/2013 16:42

The home school book works both ways. You can write in it too. The new 1:1 was giving me too much details of all the problems and it was getting me down!
so ive been trying to communicate as clearly as possible what I want to be told about in this book. I tick off when I have read and put something nice like "thanks, that's good to know. Mum".

Balaboosta · 04/10/2013 16:43

If you're worry ing what the school thinks (and I do too!) I just am working on charm-charm-charm smile-smile!

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