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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at FIL

41 replies

charleyturtle · 03/10/2013 11:42

When dp's grandparents died he was very little (about 7-8) so they left his inheritance, a generous sum of money, to FIL with the understanding that it would be given to DP when he needed it.

2 years ago FIL called us round and told us that the money was all ready for us when we needed it. Since then we have moved in together and had a baby. now we are looking to buy our own house (we have really grown out of our tenny tiny flat) so we mentioned to FIL that we had meetings next week with a few banks to talk about a mortgage. FIL then asked how we are affording the deposit, we told him we were hoping to use the inheritance money he told us was ready when we were ready (and now we are more than ready). he then told us that he no longer has it and we will have to wait around 3 years for him to get the money together. He then went into a huge rant about how it wasn't fair that he was having to find the money while MIL and my parents aren't giving us any of their money. When I pointed out that my parents had agreed to pay the fees for solicitors, moving vans etc and MIL had put money aside to buy us big items we couldn't afford (white goods) he got all huffy and said "well its hardly x amount of money is it?" Completely missing the point that this money was never his in the first place and was meant to be kept safe for DP to have.

I am angry for a few reasons

  1. he has let dp down AGAIN! He has been a very absent father for the past 15 years or so and has often made promises that he backed out of.
  2. Dp is upset that he believed FIL this time and feels like a fool.
  3. FIL was the one who brought up the money in the first place and since then has often brought it up and told us he would give it to us for a deposit on a house when we sorted out a mortgage.
  4. Why would he even bring it up in the first place if he had no intention of giving Dp the money!
  5. FIL is living alone in a 6 bed house that he bought mortgage free, it seems to me that he has used his childrens inheritance to buy this house. (DP is one of 3 and the same amount of money has been left to all of them, so this adds up to a fairly large sum)

I feel disappointed that our plans are on hold now as we (stupidly) were counting on that money as a deposit. I am FUMING at how FIL has upset my DP again. DP was making lots of life plans based around us buying our own home, he wanted to try for another baby and build a home that our children could grow up in. now he feels like he should never have got his hopes up based on what his flakey dad promised. Dp said he is used to his dad letting him down all the time so he is embarrassed that he let himself and me get excited about this.

Sorry its so long I am just angry and upset and needed to vent. But basically aibu for getting annoyed about this and if not how do we move forward from here?

OP posts:
FrightRider · 03/10/2013 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NatashaBee · 03/10/2013 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
charleyturtle · 03/10/2013 11:50

I wish we had! We weren't in the position to get a mortgage back then and FIL had said something like "when you are ready to buy somewhere I will give you the money as a deposit". I foolishly assumed he was keeping it safe. if I had known FIL better back then I would have insisted that DP asked for it to be put in an account for us that we could decide to use the money when we saw fit.

OP posts:
eosmum · 03/10/2013 11:52

Is there a will, get a solicitor. He has equity in a house, he can sell.

sweetestcup · 03/10/2013 11:52

Why didn't you and your DP take the money 2 years ago and put it in the bank? Confused

Vix1980 · 03/10/2013 11:53

No yanbu at all to be feeling so upset, but like the previous poster im also wondering why you didnt take the money then and stick it in an isa for yourselves, or do you think it was a case of all talk on his part.

I think id maybe try talking to him again, just your dp telling him how much he has let you both down, and ask why he has a 6 bedroom house when he lives alone and owes his children money that he had guaranteed would be ready for them when they needed it.

3 years is an unacceptable time to wait for it, who knows what would happen in that time! If all that doesnt work and you are desperate to buy your house id probably ask mil and your parents for the money they were going to use to help with other thigs and use that as a deposit, asking family and friends to help moving things and hire your own vans etc. also buy 2nd hand goods that will see you through for a year or 2 then in the meantime put pressure on fil to give you the money and when/ if it comes through you can replace whats needed to. Good luck though, he sounds like a selfish prick to be honest to do that to 1 of his own children.

GatoradeMeBitch · 03/10/2013 11:53

Was all this made clear in the will, OP, or was it a verbal agreement? I'm guessing it was verbal if he went and spent it.

I wouldn't get too angry with your FIL if you will be relying on his 'good will' to give you the money. However, if you have proof that the money is yours, get some legal advice asap.

BloodiedWellies · 03/10/2013 11:54

Solicitor.

Solicitor

Solicitor.

That is all.

Famzilla · 03/10/2013 11:56

Is there a will? Some sort of documentation that says how much FIL has of your DP's money? If so he'll just have to sell or remortgage his house. Hehas stolen off his own children and he should be begging for forgiveness, not ranting and raving about how unfair it all is.

Original poster
charleyturtle · 03/10/2013 11:56

Natasha- he is being so cagey about why he doesn't have the money I suspect he has spent it on his house. He isn't even recognising that it is inheritance money, he is making out like it is his personal money. He was saying something about how it would take about 3 years for him to save it. Which sounds to me like he spent it. But you are right, I will tell DP to ask him what he has done with the money and why he doesn't have it put by.

Dp is the youngest of his siblings, 1 is at uni and the other is saving to get married so I don't know why he would think not to have the money ready for when they ask, its not like they are children who wont want some help with the big expenses. (Dp is waiting until his brother is back from holiday to tell him about FIL and the money as he was hoping to use some of his inheritance to go towards the wedding/ honeymoon.)

OP posts:
Thistledew · 03/10/2013 11:57

Was there a Will?

If the money had been left in trust for your DH then you could consider legal action to get you FIL to cough up.

WinkyWinkola · 03/10/2013 11:59

What a crook.

I would get a solicitor onto it.

Does t sound like your dh would lose much by way of a relationship with his shady father. Well rid, I would say.

poorbuthappy · 03/10/2013 11:59

What bloodiedwellies said.
Get to a solicitor and tell him to get a mortgage/secured loan on the house to free up your dhs inheritance.

LazyGaga · 03/10/2013 11:59

Well if there was nothing in writing from either the grandfather (i.e a will) or the father (some sort of legally binding contract) then I would think you don't have a leg to stand on.

Beccagain · 03/10/2013 12:00

Is there a will, get a solicitor. He has equity in a house, he can sell

This: I wouldn't normally counsel this, but it seems like it's necessary here. And as you say, what your DMil and DParents are doing is niether here nor there: it seems like this money was not his to spend. Though I am hoping against hope you will be able to prove it!

Kewcumber · 03/10/2013 12:00

I think you need a copy of the original will to see if the money was actually left to DP formally. In which case your DP may well have to write him a letter explaining that the money is legally his and that he has X time to produce it. If that doesn;t work you will have to see a solictior to enforce it.

If there is no proof the money was left to your DP in trust then from the sounds of his father I'd be surprised if you ever saw a penny of it.

Yes it is disappointing when family behave so badly and yes I would be furious but tbh it sounds like there was plenty of indication that his father might do exactly this.

Hoping someone will behave honourably just doesn;t work when you're dealing with people like this.

ColdTeaAgain · 03/10/2013 12:00

What an awful man! Clearly has no morals to spend his own children's money. At least this be a lesson to never trust him again. Your DP needs to get together with his siblings and all seek professional advice together. Assuming his siblings money will of disappeared too?

Beccagain · 03/10/2013 12:00

neither

ZiaMaria · 03/10/2013 12:03

If the money was left on trust to DP, your FIL should have put it in an account and never touched it (well, really he should have made sure it got good interest, etc, but short of that he should never have spent it).

I agree with others. What FIL has done is steal inheritance. I'd seek legal advice and send him a formal letter.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 12:03

Your solution is to present your FIL with a Barclays family springboard mortgage as a solution.

LazyGaga · 03/10/2013 12:06

Zia but if it turns out there has been nothing put in writing regarding the Grandfather's intentions then how can they ever prove it?

Kewcumber · 03/10/2013 12:09

I'm afraid your DP and his siblings have to stop acting like childrne and start behaving like adults and start getting serious.

There will be something - either a will or letters of administration granted if no will. Information here on how to find out.

www.justice.gov.uk/courts/probate/copies-of-grants-wills

Beccagain · 03/10/2013 12:09

Qunit are you CEO at Barclays Grin

Kewcumber · 03/10/2013 12:10

If there is nothing in writing then you're up shit creek without the proverbial paddle I would guess.

jackstini · 03/10/2013 12:10

So there is a sum of money to be split between 3 siblings, with your dh being one?

You need to see if there is anything in writing but if not it sounds like there has been plenty of speaking about it and your FIL is well aware.

Yes, your DH should push to find out where the money is.
If he has spent it, and he has a 6 bedroom house, he should take the equity out for the 3 siblings.