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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful at au pairs holiday?

33 replies

Thirstysomething · 03/10/2013 10:30

We had no help until now, but with baby no 4 here, we have got a German au pair.
She is great in many ways, but rubs me up the wrong way quite a bit.
Case in point - she has been here four weeks and this weekend she is going up to London then taking a weeks holiday. She is asking to stay with my brother for three days, then she is bringing a friend back to stay here for five days ("it will be perfectly possible for her to stay in my room, I am sure she won't mind" she said, when I looked a bit surprised. I was so taken aback that I seem to have agreed. (Tbh I am a bit scared of her!).
I think it would be unreasonable of me to mind if she had been here longer, but she has only been around for a month!!
Nothing I can do now - but AIBU to feel a bit resentful?
I presume I am paying her for this week she is away...

OP posts:
ShakeRattleNRoll · 03/10/2013 10:34

A great rule in life is that 'fish and friends keep for three days' . I expect they'll be eating all your meusli next and hogging the bathroom

LaurieFairyCake · 03/10/2013 10:35

Why haven't you arranged it with her and agreed terms and conditions? Confused

You're a numpty Grin

WilsonFrickett · 03/10/2013 10:36

You need to say no. Holidays should be agreed between you both - have you a contract which says how many holidays she should have?

If it doesn't suit your brother to have her he should say so.

And if you don't want a stranger staying in your home, again you should say so.

'No that doesn't work for me' is your friend.

As she only gets paid pocket money though, yes, you should pay her holidays. Although again, you should have clear expectations of how they are agreed.

As she's been here a month I think it's time to sit down and discuss a few things, don't you?

CookieLady · 03/10/2013 10:36

Do you have a contract? If so, what did you stipulate about holidays?

ssd · 03/10/2013 10:38

good grief op, are you kidding??

tell her no way!!!

sweetestcup · 03/10/2013 10:41

Surely this should all have been explicitly clear from the contract Confused

FreudiansSlipper · 03/10/2013 10:44

i think you need to be looking for another ap

you should not be scared to bring something up with her or for her to be annoying you after only a month

tell her it is not working out and give her notice. plus she really does push the boundaries you do not need this from her

Nancy66 · 03/10/2013 10:53

if she's like his so early on what is she going to be like down the line.

Time for you to put your foot down. you're in charge and not her.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/10/2013 10:55

Did you actually go into this with your eyes open??

How can you not know if you are paying her for her holiday time or not?? Did you not set a contract out before she started?

Sounds like she has sussed you are going to be a bit pf a pushover and she is gonna take the piss when she can.

ShakeRattleNRoll · 03/10/2013 10:57

Who is the person coming to stay .I think you might need to do some checks on that individual before opening your doors to a stranger

juneau · 03/10/2013 10:59

She's taking a holiday and having a guest to stay after only four weeks??? Don't you have a contract with this woman? I was an au pair (long, long ago), and I didn't have any holiday for six months, nor did I have anyone to stay (there was no room), and I'd never have even considered asking after just four bloody weeks! This girl is taking total advantage. Did you get her through an agency? If so, call them asap and tell them what's going on and that you're not happy. If you didn't, you'll have to deal with her yourself (get DH/DP to be there to support you if you're scared of her).

ShakeRattleNRoll · 03/10/2013 11:02

I hope you haven't got a swimming pool ! otherwise you would be losing the best sunbeds

WinteronPluto · 03/10/2013 11:09

Agree with all the above comments.

Holidays need to be agreed between the two of you (or three of you including DP) and agreement means you have the option to say no.

She is entitled to take holiday at some point - if you have set out any sort of contract it will be in there - if you have used an agency there will be guidance on their website. It doesn't have to be the same time you are taking a holiday usually, but it has to be reasonable. That said, if she is not going to use the holiday to go and visit her family or similar then there's no reason why it shouldn't be while you take your holiday too.

If you don't want her to take holiday after just 4 weeks then you should say so - explain to her that she will be allowed holiday but not just yet. Maybe make some suggestions as to when.

What are your arrangements about weekends? Our au pairs usually have weekends off unless we ask them to babysit over the top of usual hours. I ask because you complain she is spending the weekend in London.

Agree that it is up to your brother if he is happy with her staying or not.

You don't have to allow her friend to stay unless you are comfortable with it. This is your home, after all. Perhaps you could say, if this is agreeable to you, that you will consider allowing friends to stay once you have got to know them a bit. Is the friend an au pair too? In that case they may be CRB checked too, but otherwise you should be careful.

You definitely need to be able to say no to her or she will take advantage.

I agree with above suggestion that DP get involved if at all possible.

On the other hand, if you feel that you cannot say no to her or manage her yourself perhaps you should consider ending the placement.

MadamNoo · 03/10/2013 11:17

My german au pair invited her mother and sister to stay in her room the week after I was due to deliver ds3. she was genuinely baffled when I said this would not be happening and they would need to stay in a hotel. she wasn't manipulative or pushy, just young and thoughtless and gormless. you just need to spell things out clearly and if there is any attitude then you know it's not going to work out with her

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/10/2013 11:21

Not too late to use the classic MN line, "That doesn't work for me". Baby no. 4 and the au pair is already off on holiday after 4 weeks? Er, no.

WinteronPluto · 03/10/2013 11:26

MadamNoo - that is incredible. But good point that she probably just had no idea.

When you are young and haven't had own home it is difficult to understand what it means to others.

PS - OP, presumably the au pair's job is to look after older children and do a bit of housework as I believe they can't look after babies unsupervised.

Not to start another thread within your thread (well, a bit) but I'd be interested to know what jobs the au pair does that do help you out with the baby or are as a result of you having a small baby, as I am expecting in the New Year.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/10/2013 11:28

Btw Dutch and Germans don't mind plain speaking, don't worry about pussy footing around, come right out and tell her, this is not going to happen.

ShakeRattleNRoll · 03/10/2013 11:38

Tell her its ok to shave her armpits and legs

fluffyraggies · 03/10/2013 11:40

Nooooo not another stroppy AP and unassertive OP thread!

(admits i'd be crap at being assertive in the same situation too though)

ModeratelyObvious · 03/10/2013 11:47

OP

Go back and say I've thought about it and it isn't possible for you to have your friend to stay, also my brother is unable to put you up, I'm afraid. And to clarify about holidays joking forwards, it's fine as a one off but in future I need four weeks' notice (or whatever) of time off,

She may we cancel her week off if her free accommodation is unavailable but that's up to her.

Beastofburden · 03/10/2013 11:50

If you havent told her what is reasonable, she can't be expected to know.

So tell her.

Holidays as per her contract- whatever that says.
No overnight guests.
Your brother is not available to provide free accommodation.

Make sure she understands- she is here to work, not to be a much-spoiled and favoured teenager.

PeppiNephrine · 03/10/2013 11:54

YABU to be resentful. You should have said no, you didn't. Live and learn for the future.

LessMissAbs · 03/10/2013 11:58

I was so taken aback that I seem to have agreed. (Tbh I am a bit scared of her!)

Oh for goodness sake OP, put up or shut up. Either tell her no or take responsibility for your own decisions. Its your house, your employee (sort of), you call the shots.

Tell her no right now in fact, and they will have to find alternative accommodation. Not your problem.

IvanaCake · 03/10/2013 12:07

This is difficult because you've already agreed. I think you will have to be honest and say that you agreed because she caught you on the hop, and after further consideration it just won't be possible.

VeraLockski · 03/10/2013 12:14

Please be nice everyone -OP has just had her 4th baby - she may not be feeling at her best/most assertive.

(I do agree you will have to assert yourself more with au pair, as others have said. Agree with IvanaCake).