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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD living in sh1thole - of her making

131 replies

MessedupMommy · 02/10/2013 21:14

Ok, its not my home, I get that.

Problem - its filthy, smelly, flea ridden and is also home to my 8m old grandson! If I say anything she gets in a strop. I helped her tidy most of it a few weeks ago but next time I visited it was getting as bad again. I'm worried the social will come around (she has pnd) and do something. The little one is dirty and has no clean clothes. She doesn't work (neither does her fella) and hardy ever gets out of her onsie. She's loads of time to keep a lovely house or even a clean but untidy house but says shes too tired. The baby is amazing and sleeps 14 hours a night! I don't know what to do!

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/10/2013 12:16

Surely you would understand its not about that

fluffyraggies · 04/10/2013 12:20

We have people saying SS should be involved. And we have people saying no, OP should sort this all out with her DD herself somehow. But it doesn;t sound as if OP can do much more than she is doing. If her DD wont 'hand over' her son to OP what then?

On another thread about recent news everyone is saying someone must do something about child neglect.

Here is an OP on AIBU trying to do that - and getting flamed from some - and even we cant agree on what's best :(

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/10/2013 12:21

It is possible to arrange support without condemning the OPs daughter

Dahlen · 04/10/2013 12:26

It doesn't have to be a choice between family and SS. The two can work together very successfully and often that is what gives the best results. SS are very supportive when they are invited in to a situation rather than notified of one by a third party. Or may be that's just in my area, I don't know.

I have fostered. Giving up my job was not an option because without that I would have lost my own home, which wouldn't have helped anyone. I couldn't foster that child without SS support. Which I got. While I took care of the child SS worked with the mother to get her back on her feet. End result was the child eventually went back and SS signed off the case. That was many years ago now.

Given the state of the house I would say that this young mother's MH is a serious problem, and tackling that should be priority number one. Again, SS involvement can sometimes speed up this process.

In the meantime, the first thing I would do, today, is go round and administer some frontline on the animals. Even if no other flea treatment is applied to furnishings etc this will eventually eradicate the fleas (though it could take a long time). What would be even better would be bagging up and binning/washing everything that can be removed and then spraying the house properly (council will do this for about £40 I think). Living with constant flea bites is miserable; it's one problem that can be dealt with immediately.

Wannabestepfordwife · 04/10/2013 12:28

Op what an awful situation you are in you really do sound like you are doing everything you can.

I know she says she likes her freedom but is your daughter happier at yours? I can imagine if your depressed and you have a p that doesn't help or support you then it would make you more depressed.

My friend has pnd and has help from home start and they really are a fantastic support if you could persuade her to ring them

MurderOfBanshees · 04/10/2013 12:40

She sounds similar to me after having DS, don't think I've ever spoken openly on MN about how bad it got here. DH was doing what he could but he was caring for me and a newborn and the flat turned to shit, it was a hazard, we were just lucky DS wasn't crawling. It was disgusting, tbh, it's still not great, but it is safe at least now.

SS were wonderful, while we didn't take them up on too much, they did give us the emotional support we needed. They also put us in touch with others that could help, and when things got tough again after we'd been signed off they were on the other end of the phone when I needed help again. There was never any talk of taking DS away, not even temporarily. It was all about helping us manage.

I personally wouldn't move her back to yours OP, I know in my case I needed to learn to cope in my own home, taking me out of it would have given me a break but I'd have fallen back in to old habits the moment I returned.

Sounds like she's hiding from everything, especially with the bags of clothes. It's a normal reaction and a hard one to break. I've heard really good things about home start though, they might be able to help her break things down into more manageable chunks. Problem is when it all piles up it becomes harder to even start tackling it. Easier to just close eyes and pretend it's not there.

How easily can she talk to her gp? Might be worth her upping her medication or even changing it if it's no longer working for her?

Tbh I wouldn't count on the HV for much, if she can't talk to her then it's not going to achieve anything getting her to come out.

Counselling would probably help the most, though I know it's hard to come by. Would she accept you going to the gp with her to act as an advocate? It's possible she plays it down in front of the gp, so they may not know how serious it's got.

Birdsgottafly · 04/10/2013 12:42

There has to be deadlines put in place, as this cannot continue.

If the partner is not keeping the home clean, then I would wonder what else is going on behind doors, as both parents are neglecting their child and they need to see it as such.

I would contact the HV and a community worker from the local Children's Centre as this sounds like a " Child in Need" plan would be the right place to start.

Depending on your area, these are often overseen by Family Support Workers and not SW's.

A visit will be done by a SW but they will be reluctant to remove a child that is well attached to it's parents. Removing children can cause mental and emotional harm depending on the age of the child (or baby in this case).

I would imagine that Mum and Baby will be advised to stay in yours and the partner be booted into action, SS certainly do not hold Mums responsible for the cleanliness inside the home, he will be blamed more than her, as she is ill.

OP, you need to sit the pair of them down and tell them that this needs to be sorted out now, as for income, benefit levels allow you to keep a clean home.

Taking your DGS will not solve the issue, parents need to parent, all you will do is delay the crisis that this family is facing, or at least the crisis that your DGS will face.

moldingsunbeams · 04/10/2013 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IvanaCake · 04/10/2013 13:04

I hope you have taken some action this morning op. If you allow the situation to continue you are complicit in the neglect of a baby Sad

Contact social services and your dds gp.

FavoriteThings · 04/10/2013 13:09

On balance, I think if I were you I would contact ss. As far as I understand, ss do not just come in anymore and sccop up a child. Far from it.

OP. I think I am right in saying that you are sometimes on the MH yourself, for things that are going on in your own life? [hugs]

FavoriteThings · 04/10/2013 13:10

On the MH board, that should say.

SaucyJack · 04/10/2013 13:11

I wouldn't report her if you want her helped rather than punished.

I've been there and all they did was take photos without mdy knowledgge or peermission, and then threaten to work with the council to have me and the children evicted from our already homeless accommodation (were living there following DV). Not a smidgeon of help or support was offered, and they didn't once ask about my mental health.

BurberryQ · 04/10/2013 13:11

yes a dirty/messy house is enough to get them removed, depending on the area and the social worker.
OP you should try to help them yourself before you call SS they will have your grandchild in care before you can say 'anti-depressant'

FavoriteThings · 04/10/2013 13:12

Please can I ask that posters go easy on the op for that reason please?
Hope you get it sorted.

BurberryQ · 04/10/2013 13:12

as with SaucyJack's experience, so with mine.
SS were not there to offer support or help but to have meetings about how you are a crap parent.

FavoriteThings · 04/10/2013 13:14

Is that right though BurberryQ? Are you sure? And I mean sure, because there will be many people reading this, and I would hate hate hate for wrong information to go out about this.

pantsonbackwards · 04/10/2013 13:14

You're already doing loads of practical stuff for them op, i don't think you can do anymore apart from move in and become the maid!

I can understand your daughter not coping, i found it very hard after having a baby and depression, plus you said that she has always been slovenly? Not sure how change those habits of a lifetime!

But with you doing everything you are and her having her dp at home full time i can't see any excuse for it.

Does he have any issues?

It can take a massive adjustment to do everything that needs doing in a home, especially with a new baby. But it sounds beyond that what with the baby being dirty.

Apart from giving the dp a massive kick up the arse talking to, and you daughter a slightly more gentle talking to considering she is unwell right now, i think you have to call ss.

FavoriteThings · 04/10/2013 13:15

Would the gradchild go into care for the sitaution the op describes? I feel that this is a very important thread to get absolutely right for a variety of reasons.

WiddleAndPuke · 04/10/2013 13:16

Well either she needs a shock to get her lazy arse into gear OR she needs help and support.

Either way, calling SS is the way to go, surely?

BurberryQ · 04/10/2013 13:18

Favouritethings, my house was a mess, with a lot of clothes and sheets drying on doors, a pile of washing up to do, when the social worker saw it she said that if my children were younger, she would have removed them immediately.
I might add there were no fleas or anything really disgusting.
there was a skidmark in the toilet bowl which was duly noted and announced at their meeting.
no i am not fuckiing joking or exaggerating i wish i was

MurderOfBanshees · 04/10/2013 13:19

FT I think there is always a risk of an overzealous SW, but from what I know it's not in their best interests to remove a child from it's parents, and having been in exactly the same situation as the OP's daughter I know there was never any risk of DS being removed from me. Even though some supposed professionals did tell me he would be Hmm.

pantsonbackwards · 04/10/2013 13:23

BurberryQ

But surely sheets drying on doors means you are cleaning and not letting the place turn to shit! And a pile of washing? So what! I have a massive pile of washing, a massive pile of ironing and i haven't hoovered all week. Is that really all there was to complain about? Were your children reasonably clean?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 04/10/2013 13:28

It's to helpful to say that the baby would probably be removed - and it's not true. Of course it is possible, after some time, if his parents showed no signs of improving things with help. And if so, he would be placed with his family before foster care. But it's also not helpful to be scared of 'the social' getting involved, because somebody needs to put a rocket under this couple. It's unlikely to be her mother who can achieve this, as she's (well meaning, helpfully) enabling the situation and the dynamic has probably always been like that. An independent person coming in and saying 'this is unacceptable, this is what we can help you with' might make some difference. And if it doesn't, then the baby would be better off elsewhere, sady.

MurderOfBanshees · 04/10/2013 13:30

What's awful is that over the years I've known so many parents with mental health problems who've been too scared to ask for help because they've heard all these horror stories about SS snatching children. So instead of asking for and getting the help they rightly deserve and need they suffer on alone, scared and struggling. :(

BurberryQ · 04/10/2013 13:32

that is what i thought too, pants, but no.
pile of washing-up, cooking pans etc., i should have said, as well as the piles of washing Grin
the children were reasonably clean yes, but my daughter's hair was not brushed and she looked a bit spotty.
it was a nightmare, and as i said, precisely zero support offered, just condemnation. I was ill at the time as well, a physical illness that was stopping me sleeping.
it was horrendous and i wouldnt wish it on anyone.
SS round here are known for being zealous and removing children.
it almost seems like an industry.