DD living in sh1thole - of her making

[MessedupMommy]

Ok, its not my home, I get that.

Problem - its filthy, smelly, flea ridden and is also home to my 8m old grandson! If I say anything she gets in a strop. I helped her tidy most of it a few weeks ago but next time I visited it was getting as bad again. I'm worried the social will come around (she has pnd) and do something. The little one is dirty and has no clean clothes. She doesn't work (neither does her fella) and hardy ever gets out of her onsie. She's loads of time to keep a lovely house or even a clean but untidy house but says shes too tired. The baby is amazing and sleeps 14 hours a night! I don't know what to do!

[BurberryQ]

BurberryQ. How long ago was that? Did you complain about that?
The way she phrased it sounded like his say so that it hadn't happened was good enough
I spoke up in objection to it at a meeting, ofc, but tbh at that time (1-2 years ago) I felt beaten by the system and did not put in an official complaint.

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

The pejorative language is not helping here. It's not about the OP "reporting her DD" but rather, engaging services on the behalf of the child in question who cannot voice his concern due to being a baby. Child protection is everyone's business.

[littlewhitebag]

favouritethings The state of the house is usually just one of a number of things which would cause us to remove a child. By 'remove' i might ask a gran or aunt to take a child for a few nights so the family can get the house to a decent state. If bad enough and coupled with other things i might go and get an order. One of the worst houses i ever went into the child went to stay with her older sister for a period on a voluntary basis. She was eventually returned to her mother. Alcohol was a massive factor in that case.

[randomAXEofkindness]

It certainly would be incredibly difficult for your dd to maintain everything as well as somebody without a mh problem, but she has to make the decision to do it anyway for your dgs sake.

It's extremely concerning that you say the baby is 'dirty'. Can you elaborate on this. What is dirty? Do they always change his nappy (does he have a rash or anything). Are his clothes ever wet (or have they been wet at some point and then dried?). What about the flies - have they got a pet currently? What are they doing about the problem? What is his growth/weight like - has your dd plotted them? (if not, sneak the info, put it on here and somebody with a red book will tell you). Anything else...

I think we really need to know every detail or hunch you've got about your dgs before we can give you any useful advice. My initial reaction was that if that was my dd I would move her back in and look after them all myself until she was well, but you say your dd is resistant to this. I'd be incredibly uncomfortable about leaving your dgs in this situation until it is clear that your dd is capable of caring for him properly. Even taking into account what has been said about attachment (something I'm always very conscious of), it may well be that your dgs would be better off with you.

After reading the most recent serious case reviews, I would say it would be a terrible idea to discourage you from calling the ss if you feel it would be beneficial in ANY way. I'm really surprised that anyone here is giving any impression otherwise.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

There is a significant lack on knowledge and understanding of DV amongst social services in general. It should be covered in much more depth on the training.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

on the other hand the fostering allowance is rather generous...

Really? Are you implying that social workers remove children to feed a greedy foster care industry? That's ridiculous. There is an excess of children to foster placements everywhere in the UK and if your area had an excess of carers (impossible) they would be used by other local authorities who had a shortage (everywhere).

I also take exception to the insinuation that social workers are such terrible people that they would deliberately collude in a system that removes children from caring parents in order for people to make money from. Bollocks. I take that personally.

[pantsonbackwards]

BurberryQ. How long ago was that? Did you complain about that?

The way she phrased it sounded like his say so that it hadn't happened was good enough

I recently complained about some counselling i had more than a year ago. I felt silly complaining after so long but so glad i did now.

(regrets not complaining about a shit midwife too!)

Wow i used the word complain a lot there.

[BurberryQ]

well certainly the area is relatively economically depressed.....which i guess doesnt help the parents....
on the other hand the fostering allowance is rather generous...
sorry i should actually leave this thread cos i am just so very cynical.

[FavoriteThings]

BurberryQ. I am wondering if there is an overzealous sw team in your area? That is possible. Or else that you are in an area that happens to have parents who, for whatever reason, are not parenting well.

[FavoriteThings]

littlewhitebag. So children wouldn't be removed purely on the state of the home would they? Juat wanting clarity, because it did sound like it from your post of 06.52am this morning and your first sentence of your last post.
But in essence, you are saying that that is just 1 of the factors that is taken into consideration?

[BurberryQ]

oh that is bad pants - I told the SW why i left my ex (DV) she phoned him and he denied it, and she wrote in the report
'Burberry has accused MrEx of violence however he has assured me that this is not true'
and it was on fucking police record.
yes you can complain, they should leave a leaflet telling you how to do it.

[littlewhitebag]

As i said earlier i have removed children because of the state of their homes. Sometimes by going to the court for an order and sometimes on a voluntary basis if the parent agrees. It can depend on the age of the children, the state of the house and other mitigating factors (drugs/alcohol misuse, MH issues, DV etc) Sometimes we ask that family members take the children on an ad hoc basis if things just merely need a good clean. SW really don't like removing children from their parents/family unless they have to. As none of us know exactly what this house is like then it is hard to say what might happen if SS were involved.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Pantson
Yes certainly. She should look on the website for her local authority and she will find contact details on there.

[pantsonbackwards]

BurberryQ. That's awful. I do have a friend who appears to have encountered an unprofessional sw who has told my very young friend (who then believed it) that she HAD to allow contact to her abusive ex after him having not seen the dc for years or attempting to. He hadn't taken it to court or anything, just charmed the sw it would seem. She left my young friend with the impression that if she didn't allow her children to go to him they might be able to take them away from her

The sw felt that now that he had a job that meant he
was a changed man.

Is it possible to make complaints about social workers?

[Birdsgottafly]

A cleaner isn't the answer because for some yet disclosed reason, Dad has decided it's ok for his child to be neglected and put at risk if harm by living in an unsuitable environment.

I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't part of the problem, or at least their relationship. mum should be returning from a weekend in Nan's to a sparkly house.

[BurberryQ]

it is an observation Ehric - and birds, i am not talking about people that I know, btw,
it is simply a fact that round here, SW are feared and an extraordinary amount of children are removed from their parents.

[classifiedinformation]

I have to say when I developed pnd and panic disorder after the birth of DS, my mum took us in and helped by taking DD to school for me.

However, no matter how sick I was or how I neglected myself I always took care of DS. We didn't get out much, but he was washed, clean, fed and always had clean clothes.

Maybe OP needs to help with the housework and laundry if she has time, but the baby should be cared for (as much as possible) by mum. The only thing that kept me going was taking care of my kids basic needs, if I hadn't had that responsibility I'd have got a hell of alot worse!

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Burberry
What does that prove exactly?

[Birdsgottafly]

"well an extraordinary amount of my children's acquaintances are in foster care"

Most of the population isn't, or even those children whose Mums have struggled through PND, depending on where you met your friends, there may be a correlation between the two.

[SoleSource]

Could you afford to pay a cleaner for a few hours per week? If you could be there at the same time as cleaner and also clean that is double the effort/hours.

Might help, I'd try that if I was able to before SS and her GP.

[Birdsgottafly]

If the OP was to inform SS then she needs to be present when the arrive and have decided upon the amount of help that she is wiling to give.

They will have the child's home flea bombed , if the family are on benefits and will help with the practicalities of a clean up (skip etc).

The child will not be removed from Mums care if the OP is willing to accommodate them, Foster care is a last resort.

[BurberryQ]

well an extraordinary amount of my children's acquaintances are in foster care

[Oceansurf]

How old is your daughter and her partner?

I think it's very sad that your grandson is living in these conditions. If it were me, I'd be taking him to my house and telling my daughter he was only coming home when she cleared the shithole up! Neither of them work??? Depressed or not (and yes, i've recently been suffering from PND) there is no excuse to live in a shithole when you have a baby.

They both sound like they need to grow up and take responsibility for another human being. Even if she was beyond doing the basics, what the bloody hell is the partner doing???!

And yes, I would ring SS.

[FavoriteThings]

That is what I thought Bird. There are not that many homes to place children, so very few are actually taken away.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Sure, but realistically, it's unlikely that the children would be removed for home conditions unless they were seriously hazardous (dog shit, sharps accessible etc). If the home conditions are part of a pattern of neglect that includes failing to feed properly, leaving in dirty nappies etc then that's also more concerning. A child that is basically, if poorly cared for, living in a dirty but generally not unsafe home will not be removed, unless things show no signs of improvement over time.