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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD living in sh1thole - of her making

131 replies

MessedupMommy · 02/10/2013 21:14

Ok, its not my home, I get that.

Problem - its filthy, smelly, flea ridden and is also home to my 8m old grandson! If I say anything she gets in a strop. I helped her tidy most of it a few weeks ago but next time I visited it was getting as bad again. I'm worried the social will come around (she has pnd) and do something. The little one is dirty and has no clean clothes. She doesn't work (neither does her fella) and hardy ever gets out of her onsie. She's loads of time to keep a lovely house or even a clean but untidy house but says shes too tired. The baby is amazing and sleeps 14 hours a night! I don't know what to do!

OP posts:

teenagetantrums · 02/10/2013 23:06

i doubt this is genuine, but if it is why would you not just take your daughter and grandchild home for a while?

olgaga · 02/10/2013 23:21

Well without having seen any of the deleted posts I don't know what's being suggested re the OP.

However taking the OPs post at face value, I would contact SS. Yes PND is terrible and this mother clearly needs more help than she is getting. The child needs better parenting than he is getting.

This child has a father who is not suffering from PND but is apparently failing to support the mother as a partner or the child as a parent. If he's out of work, why the hell can't he clean the house, deal with the fleas and do the laundry?

I smply don't understand why people are saying that the OP should take responsibility, take the three of them into her home.

They need professional help!

AnyFucker · 02/10/2013 23:25

Olgaga ! Where you beeeeen ?

usualsuspect · 02/10/2013 23:25

Because it's the OPs daughter and grandchild.

We are not talking about strangers here.

CoffeeTea103 · 02/10/2013 23:28

Why is this thread being questioned if it's authentic and then a few jumping on the bandwagon? Read the op 's other threads and see that this situation does exist.

olgaga · 03/10/2013 00:48

AF I'll be in touch.

We don't know that the DD would leave her home. There may be any number if reasons why it's not possible for the OP to offer, or for the DD to accept. It's not as though OP is saying her DD is begging to come and live with her.

It's difficult to intervene in a situation like this with no authority - that is why SS is sometimes the only solution.

poppingin1 · 03/10/2013 00:53

You need to find a way to pull her out of the depression before anything will change, I have been there myself.

Get her out of the house as much as you can and get her to get some help ASAP. Even simple walks in the park can do the world of good.

Can you have the baby often? That way you can make sure baby is taken care of and give her time to sort her head out.

It is very hard OP and I sympathise.

Original poster

MessedupMommy · 03/10/2013 22:12

Thank you all for your comments - it surprises me what people choose to read into a posting!

She will not live with me as she says she likes her freedom and she thinks I will nag her (she was always quite gross in keeping her room tidy) - which is probably true as I cannot live the way she does.

Just to clarify - I give her loads of help, she and the baby stay with me every weekend where she basically rests and I look after my grandson and I've a full time job too. Her partner says he cleans but when he turns round its a mess again. I don't know if he has just given up on it all or is just trying to sound like he is doing his bit. I can understand him just giving up, he's only young too, but it doesn't help.

I go up one or two evenings a week to see if she is ok and talk about what she has done and what she needs to do, but she probably sees it as nagging as there are things she needs to do that she ignores. I know she doesn't like talking to people but sometimes you just have to!

I take her washing and drying if she tells me its built up as it is sooo expensive for her to do with a prepayment meter, though when I went round this week there we about 10 bin bags of washing stacked in the hall that she'd moved out of her bedroom were she had hidden them, as she couldn't get in.

She's on pills (the same ones I've taken for the last 7 years after a breakdown caused by work, so I am well aware of the issues of MH). Her doc put the health visitor back in touch which took 4 weeks or more to happen after the request was put in and DD doesn't like her so wont open up anyway. She just tells her she is fine an the HV bogs off again another box ticked (and HV turned up the week after I had scrubbed the house so it probably didn't seem that bad).

I'm worried about contacting SS but also worried about not contacting them. She doesn't physically hurt the baby but its not a safe environment for him. I love my daughter very much and my grandson has saved her on so many levels, but she now has responsibilities.

OP posts:

Jenny70 · 03/10/2013 22:20

Our family "friend" let her grankids be taken into foster care, rather than giving her daughter some practical help when she had pnd. GM would complain about kids not being looked after, but saw them monthly... as if things were fine and granny popsin for afternoon tea... my parents were scathing, and said if it were their daughter and grandkids, they would go over every night feed, bathe and bed them, organise school unifoms etc... basically give dd practical support rather than see the children indoster care. Certainly my parents wouldn't have relished picking up the pieces and taking that workload on, but this is family not some random. These are your grandchildren growing up without the basic hygiene and consideration...

Original poster

MessedupMommy · 03/10/2013 22:45

Jenny - I know. There is no way on this earth that my grandson would be taken into care of any type I would give up everything for him but really I want to help DD become a good, happy, well rounded Mummy and I am trying to help in anyway I can and seeking advice on how to do so.

OP posts:

OhDearNigel · 03/10/2013 22:53

To those saying that the OP should take her daughter home, how is this going to help the daughter stand on her own two feet ? If you know you always have the safety net of Mum to do the washing/clean up/cook a meal there is no incentive to do things yourself. Because at the back of your mind is "mum will help me"

Yes, she has PND but at some point you have to acknowledge that you are an adult, with adult responsibilities and adult consequences if you do not fulfil them.

WetDog · 03/10/2013 22:53

There is no way on this earth that my grandson would be taken into care of any type

Then you need to do something. You need to do something tomorrow.

cestlavielife · 03/10/2013 23:49

Ss may accept you acting as foster carer while dd and her partner sorts her self out. You could work with ss on this.

What is the alternative ?
It can't continue like this.
If you cannot take on that role then you have to accept that the child will be better off in foster care.
Unles you can get your dd some proper help.
But you can be a bit more forceful about making sure dd gets the help she needs. So maybe it can be a temporary thing.

Being young is no excuse for the dad not to do more. Unless he has some issues himself like mh or. ???

mumofweeboys · 04/10/2013 00:04

Is there a sure start centre near her? They have great girls who can lend an ear, meet other mums, crèche for wee one - might be what she needs to open up.

SugarMouse1 · 04/10/2013 00:54

Sorry but your daughter and son- in-law have no excuse.

If she is depressed, that's one thing, but is she actually willing to try and help herself?

Why are you so against your grandson being taken into care? it would only be very temporary and it could well be the reality check your daughter needs.

At least in care, he'd be looked after properly and not living in a shithole with 2 lazy, uninterested adults. If your daughter REALLY wanted what was best for him, she'd admit she's a shit mum and put him in care herself tbh. Sorry, but I have zero tolerance for neglect.

olgaga · 04/10/2013 01:00

To be honest I think you're doing more than enough having your DD/DGS every weekend. Her DP should be doing more. He needs to find work and in the meantime needs to do more housework.

Your DD sounds completely dependent on you and really that's not healthy.

I'd maintain the weekends and stop going round in the week. You'll still be able to keep an eye on things that way, and she can bring laundry with her if necessary.

Why is their home flea ridden? Are they keeping pets? If so how can they afford it but not pay for the electricity to do their washing?

Agree about Sure Start/Home Start (if there's still any provision in your area) but it doesn't sound like your daughter has the desire or the wit to make that kind of effort.

Why should she - you're always there to deal with the things she can't.

LittleDragon · 04/10/2013 02:18

Tbh your DD sounds very like how I was when I was pregnant.
My Ex-Partner wouldn't helping at all even though he told everyone he was (he was too interested in sitting and playing computer games unless someone was there).
I have since been diagnosed with asperger syndrome (has she ever been assessed for anything like this), which in me means, among other things, I struggle to work out a routine and stick to it.
The best thing for my DS is that he went to my parents. I didn't like it at the time but he's now 8 and I can see it was the best thing for him.
I am finally now starting to be able to sort my life out with the help of my current DP.
Feel free to pm me if you feel that I could be of help in some way, but please don't just give up on them - your DGS needs you.

parkin2010 · 04/10/2013 06:51

I feel sorry for this poster- she is doing a great deal to help, what a horrible situation. I would not take them in. Please call SS or get professionals in, your grandson is the priority here.

parkin2010 · 04/10/2013 06:51

Also, I think you need to seriousky talk to her "partner".

littlewhitebag · 04/10/2013 06:52

I am a SW and for me very dirty houses and unclean children are a massive red flag ( just look at the stories in the news right now). OP you are doing everything you can but your DD and her partner are making choices about how they live, choices which affect your DGS. People with depression can, and do, keep their homes clean.

Your DGS deserves better. You know that. Involving SW would probably mean he would be removed from that environment. The first place they would look to place him is with family. In short you would be the front contender. If you are in a place to take care of him now then I would suggest it to your DD. This may however mean you have to stop working. If that is not possible then seek help from SW. Having him placed in care does not mean he won't be returned. It would allow your DD to obtain support to ge her back to a place where she can care for her son adequalty.

You need to do something. What you are doing already clearly isn't working as you are worried enough to post here. How would you feel if something happened to your DGS? You have a responsibility to make sure he is okay.

meditrina · 04/10/2013 07:08

"OP if you really want to help your daughter ... start a new thread in Mental Health rather than fucking AIBU and make sure she is getting both tablets and talking therapy through the NHS."

This.

Roshbegosh · 04/10/2013 08:38

How can the OP "make sure" DD is getting tablets and talking therapy? She can only suggest to DD or involve professionals but she can't make sure of anything. That is part of the problem.

SugarMouse1 · 04/10/2013 12:02

Littlewhitebag-

Is a dirty house enough to have them removed?

I thought as long as they were fed, the SS weren't too worried. Some mothers addicted to heroin are even allowed to keep their kids!

SugarMouse1 · 04/10/2013 12:03

Rosh is right, the OP can't force her daughter to do anything

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/10/2013 12:11

You had a breakdown yourself but are still talking about her being irresponsible?

Just dont get that.

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