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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to actually not get why SIL has stopped talking to us since DS was born

118 replies

Zara1984 · 02/10/2013 13:49

DH, his parents and his siblings are scattered across the globe. We used to be very very close to his sister. Regular calls, texts, emails and visits.

Since DS was born a year ago she wants nothing to do with us. We used to Skype her monthly and email more regularly than that, and we've heard nothing from her since DS was about 4 months old, aside from the occasional "like" of a picture I post on FB. I email her photos (copying in other family members, friends etc) and ask how she's going. She runs her own business which hasn't been doing so well over the past few years but she used to talk about it with us and we tried our best to support her. I would go in and help her out at work when I visited her.

She and her DP live the fab/hip/cool/edgy life in a trendy city. She's late 30s but has said she's not sure whether/when she will have kids, so I don't think she's jealous of us having DS or anything like that. A couple of her friends have had children recently and she slags them off a bit for moving to the suburbs/not wanting to come out anymore. I'm not a complete new-mum bore I think - I mean I do post photos fairly regularly on FB (2-3 times a month) and email more personal photos round to close family and friends including her. But I'm not one of those forever-updating-about-PFB-types.

When DS was very young we went back home and she came to visit us with her DP, but she spent most of the time working and not wanting to hold DS or do anything with him. She kept calling him "it" instead of his name and it was a bit annoying really. But overall it seemed like a good holiday, when she wasn't working we did get to do stuff together and it was fun. I just don't understand why she's so quiet now? I just can't get through to her. DMIL has said TBH it's just like what DSIL does to her - no replies to emails, calls are very rare (couple of times a year etc).

It makes me sad Sad and I have given up emailing her to set up Skype dates because she never gets back to me. She doesn't reply to DH's few emails either - although it's always been me that was the one setting up Skype dates etc. He's annoyed at her but is a bit like "that's just what DSIL is like". I don't only want to talk about DS to her and bore her with kid stuff, I want to hear about her life, what she's doing, her work, all the stuff we used to talk about. I am worried about her because from what I hear through DPILs her biz isn't going well and DH and I would like to just be there for her and listen, even from a distance.

AIBU to not understand this at all???? Or more precisely, is she BU or am I BU and should just expect this as part and parcel of having kids ie people don't feel like they have anything in common with you anymore? I know it's hard when you're separated by distance too, but I keep in touch with friends in other countries quite regularly (monthly/bi-monthly skypes etc) so it's not THAT hard....

OP posts:
hippermiddleton · 02/10/2013 15:56

(Massive sweeping generalisation there - when I say 'you', I obviously mean, 'me'.) Blush

PresidentServalan · 02/10/2013 16:04

Maybe she just doesn't really like children - you say she is moaning about her friends with DC too, and the fact she calls your DS 'it' - it sounds very much like something that someone who doesn't like children would say.

Tavv · 02/10/2013 16:09

Yes I thought "fertility problems" too.

She's late 30s but has said she's not sure whether/when she will have kids

I know of a few people who've had fertility problems, but felt it was a private matter and if people asked, they'd just give a vague answer such as the above.

Keeping it private does mean people misunderstand, but it also avoids endless streams of advice "have you tried standing on your head?", "why don't you just adopt?", "maybe you're not meant to be a parent", "you can see my children any time", "just relax" etc.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 02/10/2013 16:19

Like others, my first thought was fertility problems.I think the fact that you used to chat about sharing childcare, etc, is quite telling. IME people often change their mind to wanting kids, but people who openly talk about wanting them in the future rarely change their minds the other way. I have recently found out that, of two friends who previously said 'oooh, one day' about kids one has serious fertility issues and the other massive marital problems. People don't necessarily tell you this stuff.

My DSIL has gone through years of fertility treatment and multiple, multiple miscarriages. She has definitely distanced herself since we had kids, and I do kind of understand. It is sometimes something you just have to live with a bit. She doesn't want to spend time with her days constrained by small babies and their needs. She wants to go to the pub and drink wine, because that's one thing she can enjoy about not having children.

But I also agree that, if you had a strong relationship before, trying to avoid baby, baby baby might be the way forward. Try to think about things you would have emailed or sent to her before children.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 02/10/2013 16:23

Hipper - Speaking as someone who has lapsed into chatting about the kids and then the bright 'what about you' a few times, it is often more a sign of embarrassment on my part at how dull my life has become to an outsider and how I am am coming across as the kid bore I never wanted to be. Honestly, my life as a SAHM means I can talk to you about kids or current affairs (I would love someone to talk to me about current affairs), I have no interesting personal news to impart whatsoever. I dragged out talking about the house move for about 12 months....

EvaBeaversProtege · 02/10/2013 16:38

Good luck.

We had the same with dh's sister after dd was born. She adored her for a while then backed off.

We've always known SIL can't conceive naturally & supported her through various tests.

she decided not to go through with IVF & is still childless 15 years later.

she has no relationship with our children, I never pushed it & left it up to her how she wanted to play it - she sees our children at Christmas & has never wanted anything more.

It hurts dh as she's his only sister & he would love them to be close, but it was her choice.

Things came to a head recently when she during a family meal she told us she had different priorities than us, she didn't feel family was important & that she didn't see a problem with not seeing us or the children for months.

We just have to accept that's her choice.

PresidentServalan · 02/10/2013 16:44

With threads like this, people are quick to say that the person probably wants them but has fertility issues. But there really are people who are not interested in children, and it is natural for those people to stop being close to those who have them. Childless friend thinks new mum will be a baby bore, new mum worries she will be a baby bore! It just sounds to me like the SIL may be like that. I don't have children but would be feel awful if people thought it was down to fertility problems and were sympathetic as a result! I have never wanted them.

LittlePeaPod · 02/10/2013 16:59

President. Exactly what I said. I was one of those people. Until changing my mind and getting pregnant at 37 I had no interest in children and I did distance myself when people had them because I had no interest in hearing about them. It wasn't until this year when I got pregnant that I changed but even now I get irritated if people go on and on or continually send / post pictures.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 02/10/2013 17:04

President - I wouldn't routinely assume it. Plenty of people don't want kids. But the OP says her SIL used to chat about living close by, sharing childcare, etc. That doesn't sound like someone who never wanted kids. And if people used to but have decided they don't, they would tend to say so more directly. It's the previous chatting about kids and now steering away from them rather than just general not being interested.

Scuttlebutter · 02/10/2013 17:07

The other thing is, if you know you can't have DC, quite apart from the pain issue, you have no interest in what I might call the technical details. For instance, SIL used to drag me off to watch her changing DN's nappy Confused - admittedly, she is exceptionally PFB, but this might be a useful skill if there was any likelihood of me sprogging. Since cancer put paid to that, in a very definite fashion, I have zero interest in discussions about weaning, teething, disposable vs real nappies etc since it's never going to be relevant. Parenting discussions around older children can often include us non parents and even be quite interesting as they cover different issues and topics and often have wider implications.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 02/10/2013 17:11

I agree Scuttle. By DC3 conversations about those topics make you want to beat your head against a brick wall even if you are a parent. I am not working at the moment and I think I am starting to come across as desperate in my attempts to start conversations at toddler groups about politics and news and tv. Why is it the law we can only talk about kids? I couldn't even muster up a conversation about the teacher's strike today...

Annakin31 · 02/10/2013 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittlePeaPod · 02/10/2013 17:24

I do think parents and grandparents sometimes dont realise how annoying and off puttingit is when the go on about new babies. i dont even think they realise it. i am sure i will probably be the same when DD arrives. It drives me up the wall and it used to actively annoy me before. I am pregant and much better than I used to be but here is one example of why I would avoid spending time with someone. We had dinner with PIL, SIL, BIL the other week. MIL is really over the top about our nephew (only GC currently, due to get another two GC by end of Jan 2014). By the end of the two or so hour dinner I was totally bored, irritated and pulling my hair out. The entire conversation was about nephew (including what nephew said, did etc., showing pictures of nephew.. Here is one of him with PIL, here is one if him jumping, here is one of him with daddy, here is one of him smiling, here is a video of him jumping, another video of him jumping or another of him swimming and on and on and on) and baby names. Aaaaarrrggggg... But MIL thought it was a fantastic night and is dying to get us all back together again which I am currently avoiding. Maybe its as smoke as she doesn't want to spend lots of time talking about the baby. Some people are just like that.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 02/10/2013 17:46

The chatting about kids was years ago and with a previous partner though.

I think it is perfectly likely that SIL just doesn't like children. The slagging off her friends who had them and moved to the suburbs, combined with calling the baby "it" - I think it's natural for MNers to think infertility first, but there are also lots of people who don't like children and can be quite obnoxious about it.

Either way the OP's course should be the same - just back off and see what kind of relationship SIL does want. Which might be none Sad

GrendelsMum · 02/10/2013 17:46

I agree with LittlePeaPod and HipperMiddleton - I wonder whether without intending it (because you're obviously not), your conversation at the moment is very focused on your life with your DS, so that when you ask about her life, it makes the differences between you very obvious?

My poor DSis obviously tries really hard to ask me about things that have something to do with my life, and I try really hard to ask her about things to do with her life, and the problem is that our lives at the moment in time don't really overlap.

And my DM! I have the same experience as LittlePeaPod, and its really very funny to see how long she can go on for about her GCs. I could probably answer an exam about the details of their nursery and childcare arrangements...

GrendelsMum · 02/10/2013 17:49

I also wonder whether the fact that the DPiLs are telling other people that her business isn't going well has upset her?

I remember my DFiL, with the best will in the world, telling everyone how badly our business was doing, and DH still hasn't got over it.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 02/10/2013 17:53

one of my friends is the victim of a high profile prolific rapist. she hasnt had sex since the attack - maybe 10 years. she calls children 'it'. she would despriately like to be normal. she puts up a massive front to cope with life.

you have no idea why your SIL is acting as she does. but she sounds sad and that she does not want to discuss it.

fluffyraggies · 02/10/2013 17:58

I do think parents and grandparents sometimes dont realise how annoying and off puttingit is when the go on about new babies.

peapod - when DH and i were ttc (4 years altogether) i found the most hurtful thing was to watch Hs face when his mum rattled on and on about his DB and DSs babies. He would do all the right noises for the first 15 mins or so and after that just go quiet and drawn looking. I used to wonder how she couldn't see it! :(

Sorry - off-thread :)

GrendelsMum · 02/10/2013 17:59

Fluffyraggies :(

pixiepotter · 02/10/2013 18:01

Could it be that you are a bit of a {whispers} baby bore? as a new mother yourlife revolves round your DS and all things baby.But it bores childfree people shitless.

LittlePeaPod · 02/10/2013 18:03

fluffyraggies Sad sorry to hear that. Tht must hve been so painful. But they genuinely don't realise. In some cases it's because people are ttc and earring it really hurts. In other circumstances its because people just don't care and aren't interested.

Prambo2TheRevenge · 02/10/2013 18:16

I'm surprised you Skype her with your child running around in the background, that would really annoy me. I find most mothers with a child under three are baby bores, but they would never, ever see it themselves. I say leave this woman alone. She has made it clear that, for whatever reason, she is not interested in your input in her life at this time.

BalloonSlayer · 02/10/2013 18:22

A friend of mine kept calling her newborn baby "it" for a few days - she couldn't have loved her baby more, but she had referred to her as "it" for 9 months and couldn't get out of the habit. It didn't mean anything.

Sorry but you may think you are not a baby bore, we all think we aren't but we are, and you probably are too and your MIL is probably a granny baby bore.

bishboschone · 02/10/2013 18:28

We had good friends like this , went weird when I got pregnant. Turned out they and been trying for 15 years and eventually had rounds and rounds of ivf in secret. They were very convincing in their act that they didn't like / want children. I literally had no clue they were jealous . They have a dd now.

SummerRain · 02/10/2013 18:30

TBH, I don't think she sounds like she wants children at all, I think it's the opposite and she has so little interest in children that you've become boring to her now.

I'm sorry but 2/3 pics a month on FB and emails of pics on top of that is a huge amount of baby pictures to inundate people with. And handing your child, repeatedly, to people who have expressed no interest in holding said child is just rude.

You do sound like an absolute and utter baby bore tbh, and I'd be willing to bet there's nothing more to this than her not being interested in your lives now that you're constantly going on about the baby.

Back off and leave her to it, if she wanted a relationship she's had enough chances to come to you, you're not going to fix this by harassing her