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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about 'Child' being left out of family Christmas holiday or is this a suitable punishment?

48 replies

HmmHmmmHmmm · 02/10/2013 13:12

I have a just 17 year old (half)sister who lives with my mother, stepfather and other assorted siblings and half siblings (mother been married 3 times). I am 23, married with my own DC and live 300 miles away.

Over the years I have been a bit concerned over how my sister has been treated by our mother. She has been bullied to be blunt. My mother is also physically abusive on occasion as she has been to all of us.

My mother and stepdad have planned a holiday Florida over this Christmas period (including Disneyworld) and I have found out from another sister this morning, that my younger sister is not going, will have to stay with my stepfather's parents while the others are away and has been told by my mother that she is not to enter 'their' home until they all come back.

My mum had told my sister back in June that she had to save money from her part time waitressing job to cover the costs of her hotel room, food and spending money as they would not be paying for her, just her flight, and as she had not saved enough and after a row said she did not want to go anyway, my mum has now changed the name on her plane ticket to that of my brother's girlfriend so she goes with them instead.

Out of the other siblings that are going (the ones who still live at home) two have full time jobs and the other two are primary school age. My mum has not asked for money from the two that working full time Shock.

I have rung my mum and had a go at her as I think it's really unfair but my mum insists that it's her 'own fault' for mouthing off that she didn't want to go. I know she really did. None of us have ever been abroad due to finances and it will be their first trip abroad.

I have said that my sister can stay with me for Christmas as my step-grandparents are bloody nightmares tbh and there won't be anybody else there but my mum has said that she can't as she has to work.

AIBU to think that my mum is an utter bitch?

OP posts:
Calloh · 02/10/2013 13:16

No YADNBU! How horrid. Can you ring your sister and invite her directly to stay at yours - and then she can hopefully arrange some time off over Christmas or at least try and swing the shifts so that she can come to yours?

Groovee · 02/10/2013 13:16

YANBU, I couldn't imagine doing that to one of my children and banning them from their own home while the parents go away.

Primrose123 · 02/10/2013 13:18

She's only 17? Poor kid. My DD is 16 and has a part time job, but I wouldn't dream of expecting her to pay to go on a family holiday.

It might be different if she was a very challenging person (your sister that is) and this was after a long history of bad behaviour, but your post doesn't make her sound like that.

I would say YANBU. Your poor sister. Sad

Mckayz · 02/10/2013 13:19

That is awful!!! How can anyone be so cruel?

CunningAtBothEnds · 02/10/2013 13:19

That sort of of bullying smacks of "a child called it". Your sister should leave ASAP. Your mum sounds vile!

Bowlersarm · 02/10/2013 13:19

YANBU. Your poor DSis. She can't need to work over Christmas as she must have booked the time off for the holiday? If she is around at all, have her to you definitely.

ghostonthecanvas · 02/10/2013 13:23

YANBU. Your mother is abusing your sister. She needs to be taken out of there. Your mother shouldn't be looking after any kids. This is so wrong. Physically and emotionally abusive. Sounds like you are all normalising her behaviour. Sorry you are going through this.

womma · 02/10/2013 16:34

Poor kid. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with your rotten mum either.

You on the other hand sound like a fab big sister and I'd be sticking to you like glue if I was your half sister. Please invite her to stay with you if you can, she'll have a much better time.

thebody · 02/10/2013 16:38

she sounds an absolute bitch. incidentally so do the two grown up siblings and your step dad who aren't interfering in this.

can she come to live with you?

Turniptwirl · 02/10/2013 16:42

Your mother is an evil cow! To even ask a 17 year old to pay her way while older working siblings don't is really unfair, but then to not let her go at all! :-( poor kid, I hope you are able to have her for a few days even if it's not Christmas day

EvaBeaversProtege · 02/10/2013 16:50

The poor girl!!

candycoatedwaterdrops · 02/10/2013 16:53

Your poor, poor sister. Have you spoken to her? How does she feel about how your mum treats her?

HorryIsUpduffed · 02/10/2013 17:05

That's horrible. I agree that she'll be free to stay with you, and I hope you show her a proper family time.

Has your mother kept your sister's money that was meant to go towards the holiday? At least she ought to have a lump sum of some size.

Preciousbane · 02/10/2013 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

teenagetantrums · 02/10/2013 17:12

that sounds so wrong, asking her save up for own spending money would be fair, if i was your parents i would be worried about the state of the house when they got back, i wouldn't be surprised if your sister let herself in and had a little party in revenge. I have a 17 year old DD and i know they can be bloody hard work at that age but i would never punish her like that.

cantreachmytoes · 02/10/2013 19:19

YADDDDDDNBU

SpiritOfTheBuskersCat · 02/10/2013 19:36

Is there any way your sister can leave the 'family' home and come and live with you?

MammaTJ · 02/10/2013 19:40

I was just about to say the same as Spirit. Is there? She would need to find another job, how about college?

SeaSickSal · 02/10/2013 19:58

YADNBU! But to be honest I can't for the life of me work out why your sister would want to go on holiday with such a horrible group of people.

Shame on your siblings who work full time and are accepting this holiday (and for their girlfriend) at her expense. If they had any morals they would also refuse to go unless their sister was treated equally.

I think you need to speak to those siblings about how their acceptance of this situation is making them complicit in your mother's mistreatment of your sister.

Although, having been in a similar situation I know sometimes siblings will collude with the parent to do this as the favourable treatment benefits them.

I agree with the poster who asked if your sister could come live with you. Poor girl, her self esteem must be through the floor.

cjel · 02/10/2013 20:02

YADNBU. Do all you can to make your sister feel loved.

Original poster
HmmHmmmHmmm · 02/10/2013 20:09

I know, I know. I had ignored my mother's behaviour in the past. Since I have had my own DC, my eyes have really been opened though.

Sister is not challenging at all. She is very quiet, bookish, intelligent. Babysits a lot. My mother has always made her out to be a troublemaker though ever since she ran away from home after an incident at school when she was around 10 years old (she was bullied), police were searching for her, mum was embarrassed. It is also probably connected with her father who was violent.

I could ask her to live with me but I am 100% sure my mother would not let her and she would go nuts at me.

OP posts:
Squitten · 02/10/2013 20:14

But if your sister didn't ask her and just moved into your home, would your mother put up a fight to get her back?

I'd be inclined to get your sister under your roof first and then just tell your Mum that she's not going back because she's being treated appallingly.

pictish · 02/10/2013 20:16

Awww your poor sister. Your mum is a fuck up. Dearie me.

SeaSickSal · 02/10/2013 20:19

It's not up to your mother to 'let her' if she wants to go...

edam · 02/10/2013 20:20

Your mother is a cow who is singling your sister out for ill-treatment.

Your sister is 17 - so if she did leave home to live with you, there's sod-all legally your mother could do about it. Police are very unlikely to drag a 17 back to their parents when they are living with close adult kin in a decent home. (I suppose if your mother is mad enough she could make up lots of lies and possibly persuade the police to go round, but the minute they saw you and saw your sister was with you voluntarily, they'd go away again.)

However, it would be a very big step for you and your family to take on, so do think about it before making the offer.