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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about 'Child' being left out of family Christmas holiday or is this a suitable punishment?

48 replies

HmmHmmmHmmm · 02/10/2013 13:12

I have a just 17 year old (half)sister who lives with my mother, stepfather and other assorted siblings and half siblings (mother been married 3 times). I am 23, married with my own DC and live 300 miles away.

Over the years I have been a bit concerned over how my sister has been treated by our mother. She has been bullied to be blunt. My mother is also physically abusive on occasion as she has been to all of us.

My mother and stepdad have planned a holiday Florida over this Christmas period (including Disneyworld) and I have found out from another sister this morning, that my younger sister is not going, will have to stay with my stepfather's parents while the others are away and has been told by my mother that she is not to enter 'their' home until they all come back.

My mum had told my sister back in June that she had to save money from her part time waitressing job to cover the costs of her hotel room, food and spending money as they would not be paying for her, just her flight, and as she had not saved enough and after a row said she did not want to go anyway, my mum has now changed the name on her plane ticket to that of my brother's girlfriend so she goes with them instead.

Out of the other siblings that are going (the ones who still live at home) two have full time jobs and the other two are primary school age. My mum has not asked for money from the two that working full time .

I have rung my mum and had a go at her as I think it's really unfair but my mum insists that it's her 'own fault' for mouthing off that she didn't want to go. I know she really did. None of us have ever been abroad due to finances and it will be their first trip abroad.

I have said that my sister can stay with me for Christmas as my step-grandparents are bloody nightmares tbh and there won't be anybody else there but my mum has said that she can't as she has to work.

AIBU to think that my mum is an utter bitch?

OP posts:

cjel · 02/10/2013 20:20

I think now your sister is 17 your mum wouldn't have a say on where she lives.

FriskyHenderson · 02/10/2013 20:21

Ask her to live with you. It's not up to your mother to let her, she's almost an adult, and if she stops talking to you, that doesn't sound so bad all things considered

pigletmania · 02/10/2013 20:26

I am , what a nasty horrid individual. I would have my sister over, despite what your mum thinks. Imwould also help her break away from tat family and find her own place. What a wicked evil woma, for once in my life I am lost for words.

pigletmania · 02/10/2013 20:28

Hw ar are you away from your sister. Have her stay and encourage er to, there is sod all all your mum can do about it!

pigletmania · 02/10/2013 20:30

Your mum has no say in where your sister lives, she is bloody abusive rather like a abusive partner, you have to ignore your mum and help build her confidence. It's up to your sister where she lives not your mum

FrightRider · 02/10/2013 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flippinada · 02/10/2013 20:33

Wow, I can't quite find the words to say what I think of mother.

I should think having a few days away from the poisonous old bitch would be a blessed relief.

And no, your mother doesn't have any say over where your sister lives..though I can well imagine she's the type to cause merry hell if someone goes against her.

Dawndonnaagain · 02/10/2013 20:33

Sounds like your mother deliberately set her up to fail. Nasty. I had one of those. Do ask your sister if she wants to live with you. Make it clear from the start what you expect in the way of rent and living together and make it fun.
Good Luck.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 02/10/2013 20:33

If you can have your sister to live with you, then do it.

Who cares what your mother thinks? As you said yourself, she is a bitch.

flippinada · 02/10/2013 20:39

Also...you mention physical abuse. Is she abusing the younger children as well, it is she the type to play favourites?

Someone should report her to SS if she is.

flippinada · 02/10/2013 20:40

*or is she

Inertia · 02/10/2013 20:43

Your poor sister. It does sound as though your mother is bullying her, yes. Please do offer to have your sister to stay, or even live if you can find a way to manage that - even if your sister isn't ready to make that step yet, it will help her enormously to know that someone in her family cares for her.

Shame on your grasping older siblings too.

JohnnyFontaneCannaeSing · 02/10/2013 20:48

Help your sister. She doesn't need to have your mothers permission to live with you. Let your mother go nuts all she wants she's 300 miles away who gives a crap. Your sister is lucky to have you. How on earth did she justify not asking the two with full time jobs not to pitch in financially.

LayMizzRarb · 02/10/2013 20:56

Your poor sister. Not life or death neglect, but actions and words that could potentially stay with, and her effect her for the rest of her life. I hope she has the confidence and sense of self worth to rise above it. The best thing you can do for her in that regard OP is to boost her confidence and give her the strength to realise just what a special person she is.

VoodooHexDoll · 02/10/2013 20:56

How did she justify not asking the other two?

Is your brothers girlfriend going to pay her way?

How could she be working if she was ment to be on holiday?

BrianTheMole · 02/10/2013 20:58

She's 17 though. She could come and live with you, no one can stop her.

VoodooHexDoll · 02/10/2013 21:00

Not only kicking her off the holiday but trying to control where she stays for the time they are away is also abusive and controling. Its very creepy behaviour to be honest.

DontmindifIdo · 02/10/2013 21:04

Your sister is over 16, if you are serious about offering to have her live with you, it doesn't matter what your mother thinks or says. It's not her choice.

If you can afford it, invite her to stay forever. At least invite her for Christmas. Your mother doesn't want your sister to come to you because she wants to punish her in some way, the idea that actually, your dsis might have a much better holiday at your house than in florida with her will annoy the hell out of your mum. Bullies hate it when their victims aren't upset by their bullying behaviour.

Worried123456 · 02/10/2013 21:04

How did she justify not asking the other two? Is your brothers girlfriend going to pay her way?How could she be working if she was ment to be on holiday?

WSS

Liara · 02/10/2013 21:05

Your mother is a bitch.

Your poor sister. And poor you, to have such a mother. :(

It is great that you have not allowed yourself to be coopted into accepting the family 'normal' and that you are calling it like it is.

raisah · 02/10/2013 21:14

Has your mother taken any money off your sister? If so, she should pay your sister back. Also has she charged the girlfriend? Very emotionally abusive and I would be tempted to report her to ss as your sister is just 17. Also, there are younger kids there your mother can ( & probably does) abuse and they need to be protected too.

Your mother is using the old divide and conquer technique to prevent disloyalty from your other sibblings. She is rewarding the older siblings for their silence with this trip so they are less likely to turn against her or question her horrendous behaviour.

Namechangesforthehardstuff · 02/10/2013 21:35

I am worried about the primary age children. Especially as the mother is physically abusive to everyone. Please contact SS if there's a chance she could be hurting them.

FrankelInFoal · 03/10/2013 18:31

Have you spoken to your sister OP?

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