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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me aibu to ground dd?

51 replies

ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 15:31

Dd is 14 and and we generally have a good relationship.

She has been warned several times not to be sneaking out of bed at night to go on her laptop. She continued to do so and I ended up taking her laptop away. Last night she begged to use it for her homework and I relented with a clear warning that if she used it for anything other than homework she would be in trouble.

I've just checked her history and discovered she went on YouTube and Facebook. She did do homework on it too though.

I've grounded her which means she will miss her beloved gymnastic class tonight. She is kicking up a huge fuss, lots of crying and shouting, and I feel really bad.

Aibu? Am I getting this all wrong?!

OP posts:
CatelynStark · 01/10/2013 15:34

You want to limit her screen time but won't let her go and do a gym class? A bit harsh, IMO.

I think at 14, they should be able to juggle their homework and leisure time on technology by themselves. Mine do - it's just not an issue.

Abra1d · 01/10/2013 15:34

You warned her a couple of times and made it clear what would happen if she continued to disobey.

And she did. So you were right to follow through.

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 15:36

Cately, it's not about screen time. It's about getting up at midnight to Facebook her friends and then being knackered the next day.

OP posts:
wishingchair · 01/10/2013 15:38

Ahhhh - I don't know! DD1 is 10 and we're just getting into all of this changing from child to teen parenting. I'm clueless!!

I would say YANBU ... she needs to realise that you mean business and she needs to respect what you say, even if to her it seems silly. She may only have spent 5 mins on YouTube and Facebook but the point is you trusted her when she said she wouldn't and she did it anyway. You want and need to trust her ... and she needs you to be able to trust her ... so she has to demonstrate that the trust is well placed. This was just a small thing but in the future it will be bigger and you both need to know where you stand with each other.

So as hard as it is to stick to your guns, you've grounded her now, so you should go through with it and have that chat about trust. (And make sure you point out that in future if she just deletes her history so you can't check, it's an automatic grounding!!)

thebody · 01/10/2013 15:42

I feel your pain as have a dd 14 too and we have just the same issue.

what to do. was she looking at Facebook at midnight or just when she was supposed to be doing her homework?

I think its fair enough to say no more comp time and bed time, ours is 10.30 and the lights off at 11 but I do think she sneaks onto her iPod.

I would perhaps let her go to the gym class as it's non ICT based fun and then have a chat about it tonight and tell her you feel she lied to you.

it's very difficult though. hey how.

Sparrowfarts · 01/10/2013 15:44

Unplug the router at bedtime (yours, if you use the internet after she goes up).

CatelynStark · 01/10/2013 15:44

Ok fair enough - I have three teen daughters and they way it works for us if that if they stay up late and are tired the next day, then it's unpleasant for them and they have to deal with the consequences. I think they're old enough to be responsible enough for that. If they whine that they're tired, they know to get an early night.

It's tricky now for you because you've grounded her and really have to follow through but I do think it's a bit harsh still - a gym class is a good thing: it's not as if she wants to go to a rave :)

IAmMiranda · 01/10/2013 15:50

YANBU at all.

Good for you.

Leeds2 · 01/10/2013 15:50

Personally, I wouldn't have threatened to stop her going to her gym class as this class must be good exercise and non screen time! Also, you have presumably paid for it in advance. But, given that is what you did say, I think you have to follow through with it, or your DD will just see you as a pushover.

I think I would remove the laptop at whatever time you think appropriate so that she can't access social media when she should be asleep.

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 15:51

Thank you all

OP posts:
NameyMcChanger · 01/10/2013 15:52

My dd doesn't even know the password to her laptop.......she behaved like a child so I treated her like one, solved the problem overnight tho

Edendance · 01/10/2013 15:54

Why didn't you give her free rein of the laptop/internet for a specific period of time- eg her bedtime for her to do her homework and anything else she wants to do. This should help encourage to her manage her time better and prioritize. If she youtubes and facebooks in that time too much then her homework won't be done and she'll have to face he consequences at school.

I don't think you were mean to ground her- you trusted her and warned her and she ignored you- disrespecting you. Maybe next time she will remember that you mean what you say and take it a bit more seriously.

thebody · 01/10/2013 15:58

but tis hard this teenage malarkey. Wine helps I find.

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 16:00

Out of interest how do you get them to balance screen time with homework? Dd is late handing homework in sometimes because she's not left herself enough time to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 16:03

I love the idea of changing her password! I'm going to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 16:04

She has actually just kicked the chair over in her room!!!

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 01/10/2013 16:05

DD(14) is constantly on You-Tube/FB, etc whilst working. We would prefer her to work first, then relax, but she is adamant this works for her. TBF, she does get her homework done OK apart from the odd later-night scramble.

However, DH has now blocked access to social networking from 9.30 and if necessary, we turn the router off at 10. It's not perfect, but what is where teens are concerned?

FWIW, I would not ground our DC from clubs. I would try and find another solution.

PractialJoke · 01/10/2013 16:05

Personally, i wouldn't have grounded her for this. I don't Luke grounding as a punishment-it always feels like it punishes me more than them!

For screen based crimes i would confiscate laptop and where ut has to be used for hw, that's at the kitchen table where i can see ut. Ut would certainly be banned from her bedroom for the foreseeable.

A friend of mine has her router in a timer which means no internet for anyone after 10pm which TBH might do us all good!

As you gave grounded her i think you need to stick to it-the fact she's so upset makes it an excellent punishment

bigTillyMint · 01/10/2013 16:06

Could you talk to her and say that you can see that she is really upset with the thought of not doing her club, and can she come up with a different punishment that you feel is appropriate (and let her do the club)?

gamerchick · 01/10/2013 16:07

I would have grounded but not from a class.

Kicking a chair over though you'll have to see it through.

I turn the Internet off on a night time.. is that not doable?

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 16:08

How do I put the router on a timer? It's an excellent idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 16:10

Can I turn the router off but still keep connection to the pc? I'm usually doing work until the early hours.

OP posts:
ihearsounds · 01/10/2013 16:12

How do you manage it?
Laptops are on the table in the living room when they are doing homework. The layout of the room means someone else can always see what is on the screen. Laptops are not allowed in bedrooms. Laptops are put away at night.
It also helped that the school are tough on late homework, and they also have Saturday morning detentions. Which is full uniform, 9am start, and they clean the school playground or grafitti from toilets.

Edendance · 01/10/2013 16:16

There should be a way to network it like that but I'm not sure :-/ there will be many others which know more than me for sure! You could always use a wire to plug in to your computer then you wouldn't need the router on!

Edendance · 01/10/2013 16:17

Maybe speak to the school too about how they deal with late homework

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