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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me aibu to ground dd?

51 replies

ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 15:31

Dd is 14 and and we generally have a good relationship.

She has been warned several times not to be sneaking out of bed at night to go on her laptop. She continued to do so and I ended up taking her laptop away. Last night she begged to use it for her homework and I relented with a clear warning that if she used it for anything other than homework she would be in trouble.

I've just checked her history and discovered she went on YouTube and Facebook. She did do homework on it too though.

I've grounded her which means she will miss her beloved gymnastic class tonight. She is kicking up a huge fuss, lots of crying and shouting, and I feel really bad.

Aibu? Am I getting this all wrong?!

OP posts:
ThisWayForCrazy · 01/10/2013 16:18

Create another user on the laptop. Make that the administrator user and then set her laptop up so it turns off as a specific time, ie 10pm

ThisWayForCrazy · 01/10/2013 16:19

Also, personal time on laptop/iPod is not allowed until homework is complete and checked Wink

specialsubject · 01/10/2013 16:20

consequences.

turn off your router at night (password protect - BT allows you to set times to do this), block sites, take laptop away.

hardly cruel.

thebody · 01/10/2013 16:24

mmm kicking the chair, definite no no. stay strong op.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 01/10/2013 16:25

If you have an ethernet cable connection to your PC you can turn the wifi off but keep the internet on. The easier option is password protecting her computer atm.

mumofthemonsters808 · 01/10/2013 16:28

I like Thiswaycrazy's suggestion. I too would ground her if it wasn't for her gymnastics class.

I feel sort of sorry for kids nowadays because they have no way of switching off, they are instantly connected to friends via phones, Ipads and computers. I think back to my own youth when I just said bye to my friends and shut the door and all the usual drama and crisis's waited until the next day. Indoors I could just be a child and spend time with my family. If a friend phoned me (which was rare) the whole family listened to my conversation as the curly wired phone was in the living room. My Dad would butt in constantly to ask if they had phoned me. Happy days

mrsjay · 01/10/2013 16:31

I feel your pain I think grounding her was the only option you had I have the same nonsense with my 15 yr old I have to unplug the router she will not stay off the internet when she is meant to be sleeping and I now have the laptop in the livingroom as well as the phone well for this week . i honestly would take her devices and put them in yourbedroom (done that before)

thebody · 01/10/2013 16:38

Mumofthemonsters, absolutely agree with your post.

Umbongolongo · 01/10/2013 17:00

You don't need to make any changes to the router if she only has internet access on the laptop. You can set her username on the laptop to have access restrictions at certain times. So she won't be able to log into the computer after a certain time, and it will auto log out. It is in parental settings in user settings I believe.

Edendance · 01/10/2013 17:11

Also agree with mumofthonsters, times in my schooling (as with a lot of) children were pretty horrific in terms of bullying, friendship group falling out etc. to have had that when at home too must be horrible.

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 17:12

You guys are fab! I had no idea I could do that on the laptop. I'll have a good look tonight and set myself up as an administrator.

I feel so bad for her but if you could see how tired she was making herself. I let her get away with a lot really which is probably why she is so angry with me for grounding her.

She is stamping around upstairs, crying very loudly and shouting about how I don't love her and how she hates her life.

She is just like a toddler throwing a big tantrum.

OP posts:
PractialJoke · 01/10/2013 17:16

And you ignore them right? ;-)

I was thinking exactly the same thismorning mum. About how school was left at school and i had to ask permission to use the phone in the living room.

mrsjay · 01/10/2013 17:18

DD2 threw herself against a door in the summer declaring louding ITS NOT FAIR sobbing very loudly, her dad took her phone off her at bedtime, it is all dramatics they get over and bloody well go to sleep at night, I do think they have to switch off the who screens phones and if they cant control themselves then we need to do it for them,

mrsjay · 01/10/2013 17:19

I can remember my dad not letting me use the phone and threw me 10p for the phone box Shock tbf i had run up a huge BT bill Blush

JugglingFromHereToThere · 01/10/2013 17:23

I've grounded from after school classes several times, especially when DS about 7 - 9 years. It seemed to be quite an effective immediate consequence for poor behaviour, and tone down a slightly entitled attitude.

But I think if doing homework on the laptop it could be very tempting to have a wee peep on Facebook or whatever, so I'm not sure about that.
I'd sooner try to enforce a week night bedtime of say 10pm, 11pm at the latest (I have dd of 14 too, and ds now 11) ds is generally asleep by 10 but dd has been known to have some late nights finishing homework.
We don't have laptops, just a computer in the kitchen. Reading is the only other option really - I guess we keep the technology downstairs on the whole.

SamPull · 01/10/2013 17:31

You could turn the wireless off on the router if you use a connection that is wired. It will be in the controls for the router. Chances are there is a sticker on the bottom of it to tell you how to log in (probably by typing 192.168.0.1 in the address bar of your browser)

Or you could just block facebook and youtube. Or you could activate the parental controls if your router has them.

I think you've over-reacted though. My reading is that while she was supposed to be working she was on youtube and facebook, but that the work got done. I don't see that as much different from me taking breaks to read, look out of the window, change the record or whatever. As long as it got done.

If she's staying up late to do it I'd suggest cutting the internet in the house at a certain time and it just always being that way, so she knows that if she needs it for homework she has to get it done before a certain time. If you want to use it in those times there will be a setting somewhere in your router that will allow you to block access by MAC address and time - probably.

But won't she just use FB on her phone?

gerhardrichter · 01/10/2013 17:48

What matters most,?
they do their homework or they do their homework your way.

My teens know that producing homework is non negotiable, how, where and when they do it is up to them. Remember you are teaching them to be self sufficient.
And as for sedentary kids who want to spend time on the laptop constantly Gym would be the punishment!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 01/10/2013 18:02

I think gerhard has a point there about encouraging independence.
The Uni threads last week were reminding me that (if they take that path) going off to Uni is only 4 years away for them!

thebody · 01/10/2013 18:31

yes but there a hell of a lot of difference between 14 and 18. my lads changed from hellish at 14 to sensible by 18.

if the dd was 16 then fair enough but 14 needs direction.

think op doing a great job. it's bloody hard to get the balance and it dues depend on the child.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 01/10/2013 18:37

How's it going Clemintine - I expect once class time is over she'll get over missing it for one night ?

Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 19:02

She's calmed down loads now and we had a really nice chat about school, life etc.

She having a bath and then we're going to get under our blankets on the couch and watch trashy tv :)

Thanks for all the advice. I have some really good ideas now. I'm a loan parent so really appreciate having you guys to guide me :)

OP posts:
Original poster
ClementineKelandra · 01/10/2013 19:02

lone

OP posts:
Edendance · 01/10/2013 19:08

Oh good! Glad it sounds like once she calmed down you were able to do some good bonding! I always hear that communication is key when it comes to teens (when/if that's possible!!)

Viviennemary · 01/10/2013 19:10

I think it was a bit harsh. Set a time in the evening say 10 and then take her computer away and put it in your own bedroom or somewhere she can't get on it. I never thought grounding much of a good idea as a punishment. Getting up at midnight to Facebook is simply not on though so you have to do something.

bigTillyMint · 01/10/2013 19:11

Great result - it's so hard to know what's the best thing to do.

I agree with gerhardrichter - they need to be able to work independently, with a bit of direction.