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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

im unsure what to do, please help

27 replies

anonandsad · 01/10/2013 14:59

Hi i was wondering if anyone could help im at my witts end. Im 32 and my paternal grandad raped me when iwas 8 up until i was 14. No one knows, he died recentley and his funeral is next wk. I dont think i can go!!! How can i explain that to my family!!! Please help

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 01/10/2013 15:02

Don't go. Are you up to speaking to a counsellor?

FrigginRexManningDay · 01/10/2013 15:02

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think you should ask for this to be moved to relationships as there are those who have been abused there and would be able to give you good advice.

MirandaGoshawk · 01/10/2013 15:07

Don't go. Throw a sickie.

But Friggin is right, there are many people on MN who've been abused and can help you come to terms with it (if you haven't already). But in any case, I hope that his death will be a 'full stop' for you.

JohFlow · 01/10/2013 15:14

If you didn't go it would be totally understandable. Would it hurt to hear others impressions of him? I can't imagine it being anything other than extremely awkward.

Sometimes the passing of a person that has abused you can leave all sorts of unanswered questions, reliefs, bring back memories...it can be a confusing and unsettling time. Please remember as an adult he chose to do this to you - so all the blame rests with him.

There is no compulsion to discuss the past abuse with family (unless you have really thought it through and feel you cannot avoid it). There are previous posts on whether telling others is a good thing or not.

Like Gobby I would suggest that you get some help from a counsellor/g.p/trusted friend/partner/abuse survivor org. to help you discuss where you are at and build a plan for the future.

If you feel overwhelmed at the moment; try to be kind to yourself. Healing takes time.

PeriodFeatures · 01/10/2013 15:16

I'm so sorry. I think throwing a sickie/broken down car/anything is in order. Or just don't go.

I hope you can begin to talk to other people about your grandfather raping you and don't have to carry it about on your own for much longer.

All the best OP

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 01/10/2013 15:19

Don't go, the last thing you need is to hear everyone saying what a great guy he was.

In your shoes I would say I was going until the day of his funeral and then come down with a sickness bug at the last minute.

Have you considered counselling? You may find it easier to talk about him now that he is dead, I know I did when my abuser died, when he was alive I still felt an odd sense of something, almost loyalty, to him when he was alive.

to you op. It's a very difficult, conflicting and confusing time at the moment, but you will get through xx

Binkyridesagain · 01/10/2013 15:20

You do not have to do anything that you don't want to do. You could tell your family, if you don't want to say the real reason, that you would prefer to remember him in your own way, which would not be a lie.

Original poster

anonandsad · 01/10/2013 17:04

Thanx everyone. Ive never told a soul. He raped me weekly for 6 years. I had an abortion at 13 with this monsters child and had to tell mum it was a 'boyfriend'

Angels- thats exactly how i felt. I felt loyalty to him!! He was very respected man, very high up in police. I didnt think anyone would believe me.

Dont think i realky believed it myself. This has ruined my life.

OP posts:

sisterofmercy · 01/10/2013 17:32

My god you poor soul. I hope you can find some help and ideas of how to take back your life from him on here. There are lots of organisations you can contact, anonymously if necessary.

Definitely don't go. You don't owe him anything, fake an illness if necessary. There are some humdingers of a cold going about at the moment.

DameDeepRedBetty · 01/10/2013 17:36

and also a large for you.

Agree, in the short term, pull a sickie for the funeral.

And either get this moved to Relationships or start a new thread there - there are some lovely, lovely regular posters there who will be able to help you get the help you need to make sense of this and move forward.

Don't often do this on this forum - but and xxxx DDRB

PeriodFeatures · 01/10/2013 17:40

anon I feel like I want to give you load of rhetoric about healing and having the rest of your life ahead of you and getting support. I'm not going to because I have absolutely no idea what it must be like to have gone through that and how you must feel.

Have you got a plan in mind to get out of going the funeral? I hope that can be as straight forward as possible for you.

Have you got a good relationship with a sister, aunt or mother you trust?

I also hope that the current climate that is making it safer for victims of abuse to speak out and be believed means that you can be heard. Soon.

I want to offer you this but is probably better. :)

Buzzardbird · 01/10/2013 17:41

Please don't give him the power to "ruin your life". Get some counselling if you think you are up to it. What he did to you was inexcusable and you owe him nothing, certainly not to pay him any respects. Please try for counselling, it has happened to a lot more than you think and the counsellors are very experienced in helping you come to terms and living the rest of your life free from what you feel inside.

Kundry · 01/10/2013 17:44

Don't go. If you don't think you can tell your family or think they may not be supportive (If they have no inkling, think he is highly respectable and you are now seen as the one with issues, sadly they may not see that these are the result of abuse but choose not to believe you) , come up with an excuse - I'm sure we can think of loads for you.

For starters: your car broke down on the way, you get a migraine, boss won't let people have the time off except for immediate family, your DP is rushed to hospital, you are frightened of funerals, you fall down the stairs and put your back out. If they don't work for your circumstances, someone else will think of a better one for you.

If you get the thread moved to relationships, there is lots of support there waiting for you. I'd also suggest you contact NAPAC who can give you excellent RL support.

Original poster

anonandsad · 01/10/2013 18:28

Thankyou all, yous are soo kind. I cant thank you enough. I feel marginaly better writing about it. This is the first ive opened up about this.

OP posts:

cjel · 01/10/2013 18:36

I understand completely that you can't go and don't think you have to at all> I had very similar although not family member and I was having counselling at the time I had to go to somewhere he would be. I worked on it with my counsellor and decided to go as I felt that I wanted to show myself that he could no longer harm me.
The only thing I would advise you is that this awful man has had enough of your life and if you don't want to attend then don't. Don't allow him to give you any more distress and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.(((Hugs)))

PresidentServalan · 01/10/2013 18:52

I agree with the others - use whatever excuse you can. And if you feel able, please consider seeking professional help. I can't imagine what hell you have endured for all these years.

KippyVonKipperson · 01/10/2013 18:59

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I hope you can get some support from others who have been through this on mumsnet, and support in real life too. I agree with the other posters, pull a sickie at the last minute, it won't do any good for you to go and you need to put yourself first here. What happened to you wasn't your fault and its awful youve experienced something so devastating so early in your life, I hope you can move on and bring some closure to it in some way now he's dead.

CailinDana · 01/10/2013 19:38

How are you doing op?

Original poster

anonandsad · 01/10/2013 20:06

Thanks cailin, im ok. Ive decided that if defo NOT going. Having a glass of wine with hubby whilst he watches celtic game lol.
I will tell him tomoro before i tell best mate. I kno he will support me. He kinda dropped hints in the past when i get upset ovrr abuse on telly. And when i refused to leave our wee girls over to grans on their own. Hes never questioned tho.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 01/10/2013 20:31

How are you feeling about telling your dp?

RafflesWay · 01/10/2013 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel · 01/10/2013 22:11

hope you are enjoying your wine. glad you have lovely DH to care for you. he will look after you I am sure. take care of yourselfxx

Retroformica · 01/10/2013 22:39

Throw a sickie. Food poisoning or anything. Take care. Start talking to those that will support you

MirandaGoshawk · 02/10/2013 11:49

In a similar situation, I got a lot of help from my DH. It took him two hours of saying to me "It wasn't your fault" and me saying "Yeah, but I had been drinking" or "Yeah, but I did let him give me a lift" etc etc before I could start to realise that it wasn't my fault and that any guilt and shame and humiliation actually didn't belong with me.

Good luck anon, and I hope you can get it all out in the open, and then put it behind you. "Living well is the best revenge"

OHforDUCKScake · 02/10/2013 12:06

OP was he your maternal or paternal grandfather?

I hate to say these words but I wonder if you were not the only one.
If you felt you couldnt say, then I can guess anyone wouldnt.

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