to think my parents shouldn't be meeting up with my ExH behind my back?

[catcuriosity]

Namechanger, because I want to share a link of this thread with my Dad and stepmother...

I split up with my ExH nearly 2.5 years ago, after 2.5 years of marriage and nearly 7 years of being together. I didn't tell them the reasons our marriage broke up, and they didn't really ask. He wasn't ever close to my family, to the extent that he would always get out of going to family occasions unless absolutely neccessary, and always insisted we stayed in nearby B&Bs or hotels rather than their house when we went to visit them.

The divorce was horrific, and I got dragged through the courts to get my share of the house. The way along, he hid money, refused to sell the house claiming that he was about to lose his job and wouldn't be able to buy another one, and just made the whole process as expensive as possible for me. The house was eventually sold this summer, and the judge awarded me just over double what I had originally asked for (so I don't think my original request, which he turned down, was greedy and grabby as he was claiming to everyone who would listen).

I heard from him afterwards that throughout the process, my 20 year old stepsister had been feeding him information (new relationship I was in, that I was planning to move in with my new DP etc) and ExH was using this to try and reduce the amount awarded to me. I therefore stopped telling my stepsister anything, and told my dad what she had done and that I was furious about it.

Fast forward to this weekend. I phoned my Dad and in the course of the call, he mentioned that my ExH had emailed my stepmother to ask if he could collect some bottles of wine which had been given to us as wedding presents but are stored at their house. Stepmother had apparently said this was ok, so Dad was checking with me.

I told my Dad that this was not ok, and that all the wine was mine under the terms of our court order, and that I would be sticking to it. I also said I would phone ExH and tell him this, which I duly did.

In the call with ExH, I lied and said the wine wasn't at their house anymore, and he couldn't have it. He replied that he knew it was at their house because he had been for dinner with stepmother last week and she said it was still there, and he was welcome to collect it whenever he wanted.

Because this sounded very far fetched, I phoned my dad back to tell him about ExH's claims, at which point my dad sheepishly said that yes it was true. Stepmother, stepsister and ExH had been for dinner and the wine had been discussed.

I lost my shit at this point, and have said I want nothing more to do with stepmother. Dad said I was over reacting, and we agreed to have lunch on Sunday to thrash it out.

At lunch, he backed her 100%, said I'm totally over reacting and I have no right to dictate who she does or doesn't see, and that she is the good person in all for trying to be the peacemaker and try and keep things civil. He admitted that if he had known about the meeting in advance, he would have advised her against it, but doesn't see that she has any reason to apologise to me as she has done nothing wrong. He has also said that while he hopes she doesn't have dinner again, he can't stop her if she wants to.

So, thoughts? Have I over reacted? Is it unreasonable of me to not want my life, my relationship and my wedding plans discussed with someone I desperately wanted out of my life?

I should also add there was no children from this marriage...

It seems very odd that would maintain a relationship with someone who they didn't have much of a relationship with in the first place?
It's not unreasonable of you to want to keep things private and I'm not quite sure how you can keep things to yourself if you are planning a wedding, but there will definitely have to be a limit on what you share.
Your stepsister and mother don't appear to have your interests at heart for whatever reason.

Step mother can see who she wants, but it is not her place to act as self-appointed peace maker in something she that is not her business and in which she is not qualified to act.

Your Dad can't stop her, you can't stop her, but I would be furious in your position.

Especially as she is effectively trying to give away your property. Move the wine!

He's probably right about not dictating what your stepmother can or can't do though.

Isla
I don't think I have tried to dictate, other than to expect the normal thing to do would not be to strike up a relationship with my ExH long after we have split up.
It probably goes without saying that I don't have a great relationship with her anyway!

My parents still see my ex-H, he was part of their family and they still consider him as such.

I think you're angry because you weren't open about your situation throughout the divorce, and he found out (not that it would make any difference to the settlement), and now he's found out that you lied about a wedding present as well.

To link this to your parents stating that He wasn't ever close to my family, to the extent that he would always get out of going to family occasions unless absolutely neccessary, and always insisted we stayed in nearby B&Bs or hotels rather than their house when we went to visit them. looks designed to hurt them.

There were no children, I assume the divorce and monies are sorted so nothing to argue about. It's over. If your stepmum wants to stay in touch that's her business.

Yes stepmother can see who she wants but that fact that she wants to see your ex and that your dad is backing her is incredibly disloyal and I don't think you are overreacting at all. As a parent of an adult daughter myself I can't imagine ever doing something that would so blatantly cause her pain. I wouldn't think you were overreacting if you cut them all out of your life, dad included.

So is the actual problem that your step family (mother and daughter) seem to like your X and still "take his side"? Are you worried they don't like you as much as they should? Have you been a step family long?

Why did you lie to your ex about the wine by the way? Why did not not cite the court agreement saying it's yours?

No cat, I meant that he can't dictate what she can or can't do, only as he said 'advise'
I completely agree that it is not normal to strike up a relationship with your exh.
Shockingly disloyal imo, I'm surprised that she isn't using this as an opportunity to make her relationship with you stronger not worse.

It always surprises me that a family bends over backwards to welcome and fete an ex after he's put them their DD through a miserable time. Especially when there wasn't any big attachment to them on his part during your relationship.

I am not surprised you weren't close to your stepmother and her daughter before your marriage failed.

Unfortunately some people like nothing better than to stir things and see their ex isolated from what would normally be considered their support network. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but perhaps when you realised your stepsister was helpfully keeping ex informed you should have been suspicious about stepmother's stance. Too late at this stage to assume some sort of 'peacemaking' role. Perhaps she liked the drama or felt flattered by ex involving them. Maybe she saw you starting afresh with a new partner and felt you had been unfair to exH.

How have they reacted to your new DP?

Sounds like DF has nailed his colours to the mast and you are going to have to accept this is how his wife and DSD operate but of course that doesn't mean you have to act you're happy about it. Stay in touch with your father but re-think your approach to his wife and DSD.

Btw stepmother may not be the only one he has contacted. Has ex meddled with any of your friendships? Mutual or your personal friends?

I agree, YANBU. I would expect and hope for some loyalty and support from my family.

I find it quite strange that your DSM would choose to meet up with your ExH, especially as there was no close relationship previously and I would question her motives here.

Get your wine and restrict your contact with her and your DSS.

VBisme
When I met my Dad on Sunday, we discussed openly the fact that he didn't ever stay with them as an example of how he wasn't close. That won't be news to them, or hurt them.

And how have I lied?

Without wanting to drip feed, the reason my ExH and I split up was a combination of DV and EA, largely caused by ExH's cocaine problem, which came to light on our honeymoon.

I told Dad this during the phonecall and he said knowing that 'changes things a bit' but that he hadn't wanted to know the details at the time of our split because he hated how everyone tried to get involved when him and my mother split

The problem is partly your Stepsister's earlier behaviour in leaking key information to undermine the divorce settlement- though to be fair we don't know how manipulative your EXH was about this, and whether she didn't understand that this would be the outcome.

I suspect your Dad thinks that keeping the peace and being civilised are important- which they are. Don't forget he and your SM have had an experience of a broken marriage which may have been very different from yours. It may have been a wild success- or, more likely, there may have been bitterness between your dad and yuor Mum which he now regrets. So you are kind of offering him a re-run of his own split.

If you want them to get the point, they need to understand that in this case, there has been too much bad behaviour for you to feel able or ready to trust ExH with any personal information at the moment. Not least as he deliberately abused it for personal gain before. Point out to them that not everyone can be trusted. Tell them that it is not clear if they are being naive or you are just too hurt from the recent abuse of trust, but either way, sharing private information with exH is not something you feel ready to do.

Therefore I think you could reasonably ask SM and your DF not to discuss you, your life or anything about your new relationship with your Ex. Explain that although you accept that you have no right to dictate to them whom they see, they do not have the right to breach your privacy and gossip about you to hostile forces. They need to agree to this as a couple, it's not just your SM who needs to respect this, it's your Dad as well.

btw I think now is also the time to tell your dad and SM everything about why you split. Nobody is psychic and you cant expect them to understand your mistrust if you dont share the evidence with them.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Yes of course any adult can choose who they hang out with, but any adult with some morals and sense of loyalty would choose such people carefully.

I would be very careful here, OP. I think your exH is snooping, or maybe even more sinisterly, purposely trying to make you feel uneasy (I'm guessing he's not in a serious relationship with anyone?). I also think this highlights an animosity your step mum has towards you. Tell her, and your step sister, absolutely nothing. I think your dad is being a wet blanket, and just trying to keep his life "simple" by siding with his witch of a wife.

Just insist that ALL contact between you and exH is through formally agreed channels. Keep your dad at arms length. Tell your step mum she can see whomever she wants, and that's fine..(smiley saccharin sweetly whilst doing so!)

Good luck.

They all have been disloyal to you especially your dad. Had there been a different type of relationship with your ex in that they were very close then you would be unreasonable.

However as you have been through such a difficult divorce they should definitely be loyal to you. It's not about picking sides. They just don't need to maintain any relationship with him. Surely you as their daughter and sister counts for much more.

Is it possible that as you haven't told them about how difficult the divorce was and your ex might have given them his version, that they feel sympathetic towards him?

Anyway your dad was totally unreasonable. He called to ask you about the wine as he knew that it might be an issue, so he obviously knew that dinner was a bigger issue. I would be extremely upset. What is your relationship with your sm and ss?

Nothing like your own family stabbing you in the back.

Disloyal is a mild way of putting it. If his was my family, I would never speak to them again. But, I know my family wouldn't do such a thing. It sounds like your stp mum is a stirrer, and your step sister have followed suit.

notthefirstagainstthewall

I told my Ex the wine wasn't there because I know how belligerent he is and thought it might stop him turning up at their house demanding to get it
Aside from the fact my ExH has a history of violent behaviour, my dad lives in a small village and would be mortified about having a massive scene on his doorstep if exH turned up.

I did also quote the court order, at which point he started shouting at me and the conversation ended.

I think it's really odd that reasons for the split weren't discussed.
I realise that everyone doesn't want to share all the grizzly details but most family members would want to offer support at a time like that. Even a sanitised version of events helps people know what they are dealing with.
You seem to have been out on a limb throughout, it's sad.

I would be beyond livid at this. They weren't close before hand, and there was DV. I'd also be very hurt that my dad thought it was ok.

To be honest, I'd probably wash my hands of the lot of them. They've shown how little they care about you why waste anymore precious time on any of them.

Your step sister is beyond the pale.

Your dad is right, but you know what, I would be incredibly hurt that he would rather upset his DAUGHTER, than a man who HURT his daughter.

and the same goes for your stepmother and stepsister.

I do hope that you are not going to invite these people to your wedding - they don't care about you, obviously.

your ex sounds very calculating. He's gone from not having a relationship with your family to having dinner after you split!! He has a plan to get to you or to get what he wants and he's willing to use your family to do it. Its worked. Your parents need to step out of it and have no contact with him.

Personally if your dad and step mum persisted with ex then I would go no contact. Your ex is using them to get to you and by you cutting contact you eliminate a direct link- at least for now.

I would also contact a solicitor, get him to stay away from you and them, to re-inforce the agreement the court put in place.

If your dad/stepmother do read this then I would hope they do everything within their power to support and protect their daughter, if not shame on them. you reap what you sow.

I am guessing that Dad and SM think they know all about this divorce stuff and think the OP is doing it all wrong.

So they need to be told the full grisly truth of the domestic violence and emotional abuse, and the drug use.

Otherwise they will continue with their patronising disloyalty.

and as for your stepsister...does she get off on having some little tit bits of info, to create drama. Id slap her hard. Id wonder if she had a thing for him...is she so desperate?

some family you have.