to think my parents shouldn't be meeting up with my ExH behind my back?

[catcuriosity]

Namechanger, because I want to share a link of this thread with my Dad and stepmother...

I split up with my ExH nearly 2.5 years ago, after 2.5 years of marriage and nearly 7 years of being together. I didn't tell them the reasons our marriage broke up, and they didn't really ask. He wasn't ever close to my family, to the extent that he would always get out of going to family occasions unless absolutely neccessary, and always insisted we stayed in nearby B&Bs or hotels rather than their house when we went to visit them.

The divorce was horrific, and I got dragged through the courts to get my share of the house. The way along, he hid money, refused to sell the house claiming that he was about to lose his job and wouldn't be able to buy another one, and just made the whole process as expensive as possible for me. The house was eventually sold this summer, and the judge awarded me just over double what I had originally asked for (so I don't think my original request, which he turned down, was greedy and grabby as he was claiming to everyone who would listen).

I heard from him afterwards that throughout the process, my 20 year old stepsister had been feeding him information (new relationship I was in, that I was planning to move in with my new DP etc) and ExH was using this to try and reduce the amount awarded to me. I therefore stopped telling my stepsister anything, and told my dad what she had done and that I was furious about it.

Fast forward to this weekend. I phoned my Dad and in the course of the call, he mentioned that my ExH had emailed my stepmother to ask if he could collect some bottles of wine which had been given to us as wedding presents but are stored at their house. Stepmother had apparently said this was ok, so Dad was checking with me.

I told my Dad that this was not ok, and that all the wine was mine under the terms of our court order, and that I would be sticking to it. I also said I would phone ExH and tell him this, which I duly did.

In the call with ExH, I lied and said the wine wasn't at their house anymore, and he couldn't have it. He replied that he knew it was at their house because he had been for dinner with stepmother last week and she said it was still there, and he was welcome to collect it whenever he wanted.

Because this sounded very far fetched, I phoned my dad back to tell him about ExH's claims, at which point my dad sheepishly said that yes it was true. Stepmother, stepsister and ExH had been for dinner and the wine had been discussed.

I lost my shit at this point, and have said I want nothing more to do with stepmother. Dad said I was over reacting, and we agreed to have lunch on Sunday to thrash it out.

At lunch, he backed her 100%, said I'm totally over reacting and I have no right to dictate who she does or doesn't see, and that she is the good person in all for trying to be the peacemaker and try and keep things civil. He admitted that if he had known about the meeting in advance, he would have advised her against it, but doesn't see that she has any reason to apologise to me as she has done nothing wrong. He has also said that while he hopes she doesn't have dinner again, he can't stop her if she wants to.

So, thoughts? Have I over reacted? Is it unreasonable of me to not want my life, my relationship and my wedding plans discussed with someone I desperately wanted out of my life?

I think step mum does need to do some serious thinking. I hadn't appreciated the age gap. I wouldn't want my slightly flaky vulnerable 20 year old daughter hanging out with a 40something man with history and (as she will now know) a drug habit which he may well be in the process of passing on to my daughter.

It does sound as if she hasn't quite known what to do with her daughter, given that you two have had to support stepsis so much. But the more I hear the most I think the key is stepsis and her immature and disloyal behaviour.

beast I wonder if I'll get blamed for not alerting her to this sooner!

Well she's not a blood relation or anything, so leave her mother to deal with her. She's not a child.

cat you know I did wonder about that but I decided not to stress you any more...

Quite possibly, not least as stepmum will be flailing around looking for someone to blame. In which case i suggest you say, you were following the family preference of not over sharing, and if stepmum had trusted your judgement/ respected your wishes in th first place, it would not have been an issue, but now you see that she needs to understand for herself why this is a bad idea, so you have reluctantly decided you do have to share all the painful and miserable detail with her.

It is not your responsibility to monitor your step sister,

Abusers often make sure the person who is being abused, lose their safety net, they isolate them from family support,

By allowing your ex to access your family, your step mother is enabling that to happen, only she can honestly answer why she is doing that, what motivates her. (you don't have children so it is not for the greater good),

Don't cut yourself off, just don't allow their choices to impact more than necessary.

Make a point of meeting up with your father, as much as possible, put in lots of extra effort into doing things together, work very hard at that relationship,

Don't put in any effort to pursue a credible explanation, totally futile, and will just cause you extra stress,

Focus on good positive things and actions with your father, and be less naive as to your step families motives towards you.

If you had turned up unexpectedly during this meal, would they of asked him to leave?

You clearly have gone out on a limb in the past for your step sister, ask yourself why they would choose to do something that means you are unlikely to be generous in that way again,

It seems a funny choice, with the only real gain for them being you undermined and pushed out.

Be really careful what you share with them.

I feel sorry for your dad! Also I'd be concerned about the step sister, she seems to be a lot more involved than she should be. Move the wine and let them get on with their weird friendship. If your dad is a good man, he now knows how bad your ex is and I would hope he'd have nothing to do with the little party.

All very horrible for you, catcuriosity, and I am not surprised you are very upset.

However, I think you need to go and treat your Dad like a dad, talk to him, as the kind of dad who would be likely, in your defence, to go and 'sort someone out' and tell him that you need his loyalty, and to have him on your side. Bring him into your confidence, and up to date.

I don't think in public, on the 'net, is the right way to do it.

I absolutley do not think you are over-reacting, but I can see that with the info that your dad had at the time, he might have wondered what it was all about.

Complicated because it certainly sounds as if your DSS has a crush (at the very least) on your cocaine using, abusive, violent, money grabbing ex.

If this is the case, your DSM may well defend the right of her DD to have relationships with who she likes. Which she is. But everyone needs to observe some sensitivity. Ojnce they have all the facts.

Complicated.

I'm glad your ex's plan to defaud you of your rightful financial settlement failed!

You can hardly be blamed for not sharing the unsavory details about your ex up til now - after all, you divorced him and had no reason to think he wasn't out of your entire family's life, as your SS chose to keep her relationship with him a secret. And then your SM chose to keep the dinner a secret. She can hardly cry foul about it when you quite reasonably presumed none of you would be dealing with him ever again. SS clearly knew it was underhanded otherwise she'd have told you about it long ago, especially if she was close enough to you to allow you to fund ski trips/help with gap year/house her after dropping out of uni etc. Honestly, the level of disloyalty and immaturity is disgusting. I would feel so let down by all if them if I were you.