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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband blaming me for broken wrist

49 replies

Sunflowersarepretty · 01/10/2013 10:12

Hi everyone I am new here so please be gentle with me. A friend told me about AIBU and I thought I would join to gain some perspective.

Back ground story, I am 23 years old and have been married for 4 years. DH and I have 3 wonderful children aged 3, 2 and 5 months. DH is high up in a very successful phone company and I stay at home with our children.

Over the years DH has started to become snappy and seemingly uncaring towards me. If I've had a hard day with the kids he will tell me stop complaining as he's the one who has been out working all day while I stay at home and take it easy with the kids. A few weeks ago we had a rare night out to dinner and he didn't approve of the dress I was wearing, apparently it didn't "flatter my figure" this upset me and I told him I don't have a size 8 figure any more as I've spent the last thee years giving birth to his children. He told me to stop being so dramatic and plenty of women get back into shape after having babies.

Monday nights are his bowling nights and as usual I was at home with the kids. Last night it was very dark and blustery and I was taking the bin outside. On the way back in I tripped over the step at our back door and fell onto my left hand, really hurting it. I was in so much pain and called DH to tell him he needs to come home as I think I've broken my wrist. He told me to stop being so stupid I've probably just sprained it and he wasn't coming home as he was bowling. I basically had to beg him to come home and take me to the hospital.

I got a friend to look after the children while DH drove me to hospital, all the while telling me I ruined his one night out with his friends and was a "stupid cow" for missing the step.

After a long wait at a and e it turned out I had indeed broken my wrist. It was plastered up and we were sent home. I told DH he would need to take some time off work to help me as I cannot look after a baby and two toddlers with a broken wrist and he kicked off saying it was all my fault I broke my wrist and that i just love making things difficult for everyone, can't do anything right blah blah blah...

Thankfully my sister is able to come over and help me out so I don't have to put up with DHs incessant rambling. It's hurt me that he is treating me this way for seemingly no reason whatsoever when he used to be a wonderful husband. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. If I leave him I will have no money and nowhere to go with my children. The only family I have close by is my sister and she has 3 kids of her own and wouldn't have room for us. Please help

OP posts:

NynaevesSister · 01/10/2013 10:15

Jesus what a nasty man.

BOF · 01/10/2013 10:15

Did your friend not mention that AIBU is the worst forum in the world to ask for advice? Try reposting this in Relationships, which you will find under Body and Soul in Topics

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 01/10/2013 10:16

Your husband is a right prize, isn't he.

He will have to support the children financially when you split up.

Are the finances joint? If he is 'high up' in a company earning good money then it's family money for all of you.

LunaticFringe · 01/10/2013 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Binkyridesagain · 01/10/2013 10:18

Ask MNHQ to move this to relationships, there are lots of people over there who will give you lots of support and help, without their advice disappearing under a mound of leave the bastard.

Your husband is treating you like shit.

D0G · 01/10/2013 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/10/2013 10:22

Nice husband you have there.

You do know that you can make him leave don't you?

FrigginRexManningDay · 01/10/2013 10:23

He is being emotionally abusive to you. I'll bet my car that he started off nice and gradually his verbal abuse has got ton more obvious and his controlling behaviour has spread to all areas of your life.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 01/10/2013 10:23

He sounds nasty.

You are married and have children together; you won't have no money if you split up.

I think you should speak to a solicitor ASAP. Not saying you should leave but you should certainly find out where you stand and what you would need to do if you did.

Original poster

Sunflowersarepretty · 01/10/2013 10:24

Sorry if it's in the wrong place.

Yes the finances are joint and yes he is older than me, I am 23 he is 29.

OP posts:

IceBeing · 01/10/2013 10:24

It is so difficult to balance the SAHP and working parent roles.

I sometimes feel like I work at work all week then work the weekends looking after DD....which seems unfair....but then I know I feel more rested after a day at work than a day with DD so I am quite clear that my DH has the much MUCH harder job to do as SAHP...and we only have one not three!

Also, if my DH broke his wrist I would be at taking the time off work to help in a shot.

Overall your DH is being a total arse. Can you leave him in sole charge of the kids for a weekend to recuperate and see if he still thinks you laze around?

absentmindeddooooodles · 01/10/2013 10:25

Hes an arse. You dont seserve to he treated like this.....and you know that.

Once this gets moved over to relationships im sure you will get some really good advice.

I hope it all turns out ok for you. Remember to do whats best for you and the dc.

caramelwaffle · 01/10/2013 10:27

It may help you to have a look at the www.womensaid.org.uk website

They are a national charity supporting women in abusive relationships.

pooka · 01/10/2013 10:27

I think you should go and see a solicitor so that any decision you make regarding your horrible husband is done so in the knowledge that you are aware of your rights if it comes to a split, financially and in terms of where you live/marital home etc.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2013 10:30

He sounds very abusive from what you have posted.
Call Womens Aid and CAB (Citizens advice) and see what you can do what you are entitled to.
Assuming he is also older and he was 'lovely' untill you started having children!
Typical script for abusers I'm afraid.
He will not change. He will just keep knocking your confidence and self esteem until you fell you won't get anyone else or you are not deserving.
You ARE deserving. You are so young and it will be easy to start again.
You will be housed with 3 children. You will get benefits and you will get maintenance from your 'D'H!
You really need to think about what you want from life.
Can you imagine living like this for the next 20 years???
Thought not! It does not sound like fun and you shouldn't be putting up with it.
Do NOT consider counselling with him You could go on your own, which might be very helpful.
Sorry but this is a clear cut case of 'ABUSE' and the only thing you can do is LTB!

Binkyridesagain · 01/10/2013 10:30

Sunflowers you have not posted in the wrong place. The relationships board has a lot of people on there that do not come on here so they wouldn't see your thread.

www.womensaid.org.uk/ are not just about Domestic violence, they help women who are in abusive relationships, which IMO is what your marriage is.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 01/10/2013 10:30

Yanbu. I am very sorry, this is not a healthy relationship.

Can you speak to him, maybe with a family member?

Otherwise, woman's aid is a great organisation and they may be able to help. Be discreet about your online (clear history) and phone communications though.

wishingchair · 01/10/2013 10:33

Seeing a solicitor is the best advice. Talk it through with them. You most definitely won't be left with no money and nowhere to live.

MrsHoratioNelson · 01/10/2013 10:33

I hardly ever weigh in on these posts, but your DH is an arse. A nasty, mean arse. I broke my wrist a few years ago; it was agony for a while afterwards. I don't have DCs so I was able to behave like a tearful 5 year old while it got better including a small teary tantrum in Oxford Street I'm not proud off but DH was nothing but sympathetic and supportive.

You do not need this man's poisonous attitude around you and your DCs.

IceBeing · 01/10/2013 10:33

It is not that I disagree with the people saying your DH is being abusive...but I do think he may be horribly unaware of what you life is really like.

I think this injury could be a good moment to expose him to it.

I would insist that he take the kids for the whole weekend and leave him to it. If he doesn't get a profound new respect for both you and the contribution you bring to the family then it really is time to consider leaving.

AuntySib · 01/10/2013 10:34

He's being really unpleasant to you.
What comes across is that he seems to be under a lot of pressure and is taking it out on you. He's not understanding that looking after young children is also quite stressful, and from his point of view, you have the easier life. It may be that in fact you do, you certainly sound as if you enjoy being at home with your children, even if it is hard work.
His reaction to you breaking your wrist seems like he is scared about how it will impact on him. Maybe he can't take time off, he sounds very stressed.
If he wasn't always this unkind and uncaring, and you think there's something there to salvage, it might be worth talking to him to try to find out how his stress could be reduced. Maybe the job is too much for him?
On the other hand, in your shoes I'd be insisting on extra help - as he's doing well financially, could you stretch to a mother's help whilst you are incapacitated?
If you are seriously planning to leave, then you need to get practicalities sorted - start putting aside money, copy financial info like bank statements and payslips. Check out your position with regard to child support - contact Citizen's Advice, or a solicitor. It may be that he needs to leave rather than you, if you are looking after the children - you can get advice about that too.

gordyslovesheep · 01/10/2013 10:35

It's not 'the wrong place' some people have axes to grind x

It sounds like you are fairly disempowered in this relationship and he seems rather abusive .

Anniegetyourgun · 01/10/2013 10:36

It's not that you've put this in the wrong place, it's just that you would be more likely to get sympathetic support in Relationships than in the famously antagonistic AIBU. That said, you're getting plenty of sympathetic responses here already, and rightly so.

Kinraddie · 01/10/2013 10:40

Love is kindness and respect. He doesn't give you either. He doesn't deserve you and you should tell him how sad you feel and that your future together is in trouble. Good luck.

TheCrumpetQueen · 01/10/2013 10:50

Why is he so nasty to you? He's either seeing someone else and/or a nasty piece of work.

My bets on both. You deserve a lot better

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