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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband blaming me for broken wrist

49 replies

Sunflowersarepretty · 01/10/2013 10:12

Hi everyone I am new here so please be gentle with me. A friend told me about AIBU and I thought I would join to gain some perspective.

Back ground story, I am 23 years old and have been married for 4 years. DH and I have 3 wonderful children aged 3, 2 and 5 months. DH is high up in a very successful phone company and I stay at home with our children.

Over the years DH has started to become snappy and seemingly uncaring towards me. If I've had a hard day with the kids he will tell me stop complaining as he's the one who has been out working all day while I stay at home and take it easy with the kids. A few weeks ago we had a rare night out to dinner and he didn't approve of the dress I was wearing, apparently it didn't "flatter my figure" this upset me and I told him I don't have a size 8 figure any more as I've spent the last thee years giving birth to his children. He told me to stop being so dramatic and plenty of women get back into shape after having babies.

Monday nights are his bowling nights and as usual I was at home with the kids. Last night it was very dark and blustery and I was taking the bin outside. On the way back in I tripped over the step at our back door and fell onto my left hand, really hurting it. I was in so much pain and called DH to tell him he needs to come home as I think I've broken my wrist. He told me to stop being so stupid I've probably just sprained it and he wasn't coming home as he was bowling. I basically had to beg him to come home and take me to the hospital.

I got a friend to look after the children while DH drove me to hospital, all the while telling me I ruined his one night out with his friends and was a "stupid cow" for missing the step.

After a long wait at a and e it turned out I had indeed broken my wrist. It was plastered up and we were sent home. I told DH he would need to take some time off work to help me as I cannot look after a baby and two toddlers with a broken wrist and he kicked off saying it was all my fault I broke my wrist and that i just love making things difficult for everyone, can't do anything right blah blah blah...

Thankfully my sister is able to come over and help me out so I don't have to put up with DHs incessant rambling. It's hurt me that he is treating me this way for seemingly no reason whatsoever when he used to be a wonderful husband. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. If I leave him I will have no money and nowhere to go with my children. The only family I have close by is my sister and she has 3 kids of her own and wouldn't have room for us. Please help

OP posts:

TheSeaPriestess · 01/10/2013 11:15

Your husband is abusive, sorry.

See a solicitor, contact Women's Aid and start planning how to get away from this awful man.

Sorry about your wrist, that must have really hurt. Have some and . And unmumsnetty hugs.

JakeBullet · 01/10/2013 11:25

Speak to a solicitor ASAP, he is an abusive wanker. He might not be hitting you with his fists but he is using his mouth to belittle you and abuse you. Kick his abusive arse out the door and tell him to get lost.

You deserve much better than this.

livinginwonderland · 01/10/2013 12:12

Oh, OP, that sounds horrible :(

He's abusive. Not physically, but definitely emotionally. He had a go at you because you injured yourself and you needed him to take you to A&E, he tells you your outfits are horrible and unflattering and he generally doesn't sound very nice or caring or supportive.

Please don't feel like you have to put up with this. If you love him and he loves you, it might be possible to work through this - would he be open to counselling, for example? However, if he's not willing to get some help for the sake of your relationship, you need to look after your mental health and the health and happiness of your children. Don't feel you have to stay with this man because he supports you financially - there is so much more out there and you and your children deserve to be happy.

Good luck

NameyMcChanger · 01/10/2013 12:16

Your doctor should have prescribed a divorce to help heal the broken wrist.

Leave the bastard.

Pinkpinot · 01/10/2013 12:16

Are you in the UK?

quoteunquote · 01/10/2013 12:17

Has he ever spent a few days/week looking after his children and the house on his own?

His behaviour, he will tell me stop complaining as he's the one who has been out working all day, suggest he has no comprehension of what is involved in day to day parenting,

Sit him down and ask him if he wants to rectify that situation, and take a week off and entirely see to the children's needs, and run the house, so he can make an informed choice about he behaves towards you.

If decides not to take this opportunity to educate himself and adjust his attitude to an acceptable one, you need to have a very careful think about what you accept as a relationship.

You deserve to be adored at all times (loved and respected) everyone does, make sure he understands you will not accept anything less, he needs to decide if he wants to be the one fulfilling that role, be clear that is all you can do, the rest is up to him,

You do have choices, make them, be clear you will make them, based on evidence.

Once you have had your information exchange, suggest he goes and talks it over with whoever is likely to give him good advice, and come back to you with plan, which you will consider.

He is being very foolish to be so very careless with family, I do hope he has a complete attitude change, don't settle for anything less, or you will be delaying the inevitable.

spiderlight · 01/10/2013 12:21

He sounds awful and you deserve so, so much better :(

SavoyCabbage · 01/10/2013 12:24

He should be nicer to you than he is to anyone else in the world. If somebody at his work had broken their wrist would he have a go at them?

FishfingersAreOK · 01/10/2013 12:33

Sunflowers Two weeks ago I broke my foot. My DH came home from work as fast as he can to pick me up from the hospital. He took over doing everything - school runs, cooking, cleaning /tidying (sort of ). He fetched and carried for me the first few days. He has shouted at me - but only to tell me off for doing too much - so not proper shouting if you see what I mean - not scary, unkind shouting - more pleading - please look after yourself.

I am now more able to do stuff. He works long hours but is coming home early and working from home as much as possible. Our house is a bit of a tip at the moment - but we all know why and it is OK.

I have berated myself for being clumsy and breaking my foot - his reaction? "Accidents happen - let's just both get through it"..

I broke my foot. He cared for me. He is concerned about me. The only time he has been cross at me is when I have tried to do too much. He wants me better. Not to cause more damage and be hurt for longer - or forever.

This is normal.

Your DH's reaction is unkind, unpleasant and horrible.

FishfingersAreOK · 01/10/2013 12:34

And huge hugs, and - it is pants isn't it.

JerseySpud · 01/10/2013 12:36

He's a fucking cunt.

TurnipCake · 01/10/2013 12:43

Your husband is a nasty, abusive man.

Please give Women's Aid a call. I would also try and get hold of a copy of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men"

Wishing you a speedy physical recovery

specialsubject · 01/10/2013 12:46

joining the chorus - just because he doesn't actually hit you doesn't mean he isn't abusive.

he doesn't respect you, love you or find you interesting. You deserve all of those things.

please contact the organisations suggested and start the process of moving on, because you are wasting your life with this person. Wishing you good luck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/10/2013 12:54

Selfish prick, it wasn't his one night out of the year was it if it was his regular Monday night out; so what if it were, he should have rushed straight round. Well done persevering and getting him to take you to hospital. You'd think he'd be embarrassed at being so uncaring and hostile but no, he went back to being offensive.

Thank goodness your sister can come to help.

Is he older than you, OP? He seems to have lost any respect for you very quickly. I don't care how high up he is in that company, or what stress he's under, he has no right to bully you.

Long term I think you know this isn't working out and I hope posting here will give you some ideas about what to do next.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/10/2013 12:59

He is unsupportive and over-critical of you - and that is not a nice way for him to treat his wife/mother of his children.

It's an unfortunate fact that a certain type of man (misogynists mainly) that treat their wives like this once they feel they are effectively tied to them - ie. married to them, a few children and given up work. I know 2 friends that went through this - both relationships have split and they are far, far better off without these abusive men in their lives.

What do you want OP? If you do split with him, as the main carer for the children you will probably have the right to stay in the family home till the children are 18, and your husband will have to pay maintenance. You will not be penniless.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 01/10/2013 13:06

IME his hideous selfish behaviour will only worsen with age

Is he always the centre of his own world?

How does he treat his family/friends/colleagues?

You are 23, young enough to start afresh. I would expect you will enjoy seeing your children grow up much more too if you ditch this nasty man.

Who the chuff does he think he is to say such nasty things to anyonein such obvious pain? Never mind his wife, ffs.

Talk to your sister, your friends and anyone who will listen. The more you talk the worse his behaviour will seem to you. Don't minimise it and make excuses for him. Really open your eyes wide open and ask yourself if this is what you want for you and your children

TheGirlFromIpanema · 01/10/2013 13:07

IME his hideous selfish behaviour will only worsen with age

Is he always the centre of his own world?

How does he treat his family/friends/colleagues?

You are 23, young enough to start afresh. I would expect you will enjoy seeing your children grow up much more too if you ditch this nasty man.

Who the chuff does he think he is to say such nasty things to anyonein such obvious pain? Never mind his wife, ffs.

IceBeing · 01/10/2013 14:45

Im worried we have frightened the OP off...

wishingchair · 01/10/2013 15:24

Maybe. Then again she has 3 young dcs which I'm sure are taking up a lot of her time!

oscarwilde · 01/10/2013 15:39

She has a broken wrist, that's not exactly going to help with her typing. By the sound of her original post, she is also going to be looking after 3 small children, by herself, with a broken wrist.

Lonecatwithkitten · 01/10/2013 16:28

Please have a very large bunch of .
Two years ago I could have almost written your post though I had not had an accident, but something truly awful had happened in my life and the person who was supposed to love and cherish me should have dropped everything to be by my side. Like you I did not see that his behaviour at that time was wrong and I also did not recognise other behviours over the next few months as wrong. I just could not see it probably as he had whittled away at my confidence so that I believed that I was only worth the crumbs he was tossing me. No one in real life would have believed how he was emotionally abusing me as I was a strong successful business woman employing a number of people.
My life came to a horrible head that I wouldn't wish on anyone. As I emerged from the other side as a single parent I was able to look back and see that I had been emotionally abused for several years. I would bring up a problem in our marriage and he would turn it around as being my fault so gradually my confidence was gone.
You had an accident, he is wrong it is not your fault. You needed help as you had a broken wrist and three small children this is what emergency dependents leave is for at work and if he is at a large company it may even be paid.

Only you can decide how to move forward, but you need to do this knowing that his attitude is wrong. If you separate from him you will survive, it will be tough I won't lie about that, but you will survive. If you separate one day you will be me and you will read another post on Mumsnet that could have been you and think how could I not have seen how wrong that it is. But you will also look at yourself and say I am a stronger person now who knows that they deserve to be loved, cherished and treated in a decent way.

Opalite · 01/10/2013 17:02

He is abusive and a nasty person, it can be very hard to know if you're with an abusive partner. You have the same rights as anybody else so I think the best thing to do would be to stop putting up with this. These aren't small issues that can be discussed and sorted out, no decent person would do the things he has done.

I hope you get out of there to start the life you deserve, it's for the best for you and your children. Thinking of you!

sashh · 01/10/2013 18:20

You are married to an abuser, you know that don't you?

If he isn't prepared to take time off then he (because I doubt he thinks of it as joint money) will be paying for a nanny for a few weeks.

If you leave him you may have no money but you will have some self respect.

And if you can't do it for you, do you want your children to grow up thinking they are worthless?

PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 01/10/2013 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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