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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD DD being bullied as her dad is gay

31 replies

wannakillem · 30/09/2013 21:23

DD returned home earlier today and was in a bit of a mood. Eventually she tells me that another student asked her loudly to confirm that her dad is gay. Everyone else heard and the far majority laughed at her and generally took the piss.

DD doesn't want everyone knowing and then taking the piss. I told her that I couldn't prevent everyone finding out and again told her that it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I have emailed the school as it was gone five when I found out, tomorrow they are on strike.

What really pisses me off is that some of her so called friends laughed as well. I don't know whether to speak directly to the mothers or let the school deal with it?

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 30/09/2013 21:25

Get the head to do an assemmbly!! On being Gay and how it is actually ok!

If they won't, then you need to complain.

kim147 · 30/09/2013 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wannakillem · 30/09/2013 21:34

Thanks for the link I have just downloaded it. Part of the school is open tomorrow I am going to phone them as well x

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 30/09/2013 21:35

Contact stonewall and they will come in and work with the school, and mentor the school over next few years.

As for the people who were being mean, they are not her friends.

Namechangesforthehardstuff · 30/09/2013 21:39

Go straight to the headteacher and make noises about bullying and homophobic school culture. Demand a meeting in a week or two to find out what his/her action plan is. Schools bury their heads in the sand on this - don't let them.

Also could you find a local network of gay parents and maybe take DD to meet other children whose parents are gay? If she wanted to obv. Might be helpful.

stringornothing · 30/09/2013 21:40

Assuming that you can trust the mothers to have the right response, (and if they have a decent relationship with their DDs) I would consider talking to them directly. Teen homophobia, if it's shallow and unthinking, rather than springing from religious conviction, can actually sometimes be nipped in the bud pretty quickly by an adult conversation, and if your DD has a few mates at her back saying "yeah, and...." then it makes all the difference in the world.

Lilacroses · 30/09/2013 21:46

I agree with quoteunquote. Stonewall are fantastic. My Dd gets teased sometimes for having lesbian parents and her school are brilliant at dealing with it. I also say many of the same things to my Dd as you have said to your Dd. I try to equip her with the confidence to cope with the odd comment (which have mostly been out of curiosity but can still be annoying for Dd who feels no different to any of the other children). She has become more blase as time has gone on. Now she sometimes jokes about it with the children telling them that DP, who is black, is her biological mother ,Dd is blonde, blue eyed and very pale skinned! She enjoys watching them puzzle over it!

Original poster
wannakillem · 30/09/2013 21:55

Thanks for the responses and support. I have read up on the stonewall website they seem really great.

I still want to strangle them and wipe their stupid smiles off of their faces.

OP posts:
HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 30/09/2013 22:00

No real advice, but wanted to say I really hope some if these excellent ideas work and that your DD finds things easier in the days to come.

EduCated · 30/09/2013 22:14

Oh poor DD Sad what swines. Is this secondary or primary?

Original poster
wannakillem · 30/09/2013 22:15

Thanks everyone. Gay seems to be the new fat reason for bullying. Don't parents teach their children???

OP posts:
Original poster
wannakillem · 30/09/2013 22:16

Secondary just started year 7 in a very big school x

OP posts:
kim147 · 30/09/2013 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairOfFaceButFullOfWoe · 01/10/2013 08:05

I don't have any advice for you but I fear I'm also going to find myself in this position at some point as my ex revealed he was gay after we split (6 year relationship). Ds is 6 now and I know it's just a matter of time before something gets said although ex does not live in the same country so I know everyone just assumes my fiancé is Ds's dad. Ds does not correct them.

Original poster
wannakillem · 01/10/2013 11:16

My ex told dd about three years ago without informing me first (we were going to tell her together when she was older). I have raised her not to discriminate against anyone regardless of sexual orientation, race, disability, gender etc. Unfortunately not everyone else shares my views.

The school have acknowledged my email and are dealing with this as a matter of urgency. We shall see about that although they do have a zero tolerance policy.
I read up on the Stonewall website and they look fantastic.

OP posts:
Feminine · 01/10/2013 11:39

Remember that children will laugh, if feeling nervous anyway. Pack mentality is very strong, all children want to be accepted. Hopefully they are not as intolerant as it may appear.

I heard Y5/6 teasing another student about being lesbian Confused yesterday. I don't like it, and will be talking to the teacher today.

Good luck.

Original poster
wannakillem · 01/10/2013 13:53

I understand about pack mentality what surprised me was that one of my dd friends from primary who was a leader rather than a follower laughed.

I am still waiting to hear back from the school.

OP posts:
Flossyfloof · 01/10/2013 14:02

I don't think that once constitutes bullying. However, I do think that what happened was unfair and inappropriate and as a teacher would expect it to be dealt with from the angle of homophobia and general unpleasant teasing - and there is nothing worse in school than having your Mum or Dad called, as they say in these parts.
I had a brilliant book from Stonewall, sorry can't remember its name, which had very useful information for teachers. Might be worth ordering one for school. There is no indication that school has done anything wrong, but when I was a pastoral leader I used to keep stuff like that and found it invaluable.

Original poster
wannakillem · 01/10/2013 14:12

I am frustrated that they haven't got back to me yet. I have read lots of different stories etc. from the stonewall website that were very insightful and useful. Dd is having issues with another girl from school which added to this is getting a little overwhelming.

OP posts:
Flossyfloof · 01/10/2013 14:15

By the way, even if someone has a religious conviction about gayness they can bloody keep their opinions to themselves.

Weller · 01/10/2013 14:36

When at secondary with the rank greasy hair, spots and braces the last thing I needed was the teasing about DB being gay. As an adult I would of stood by him to the end, but as a teenager with everything else it was too much. My DM was ignore them, he is your brother but it is hard when all you want is to blend in. I had of hoped it would of got better but gay is still used as an insult by kids.

Serendipity30 · 01/10/2013 14:52

And the surprise here is?

Original poster
wannakillem · 01/10/2013 14:54

I think more education is needed starting from primary then continuing through to secondary. Unfortunately there are still to many bigots that would know doubt kick up about educating their children about being gay etc.

OP posts:
kim147 · 01/10/2013 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stringornothing · 01/10/2013 15:55

I understand your desire to make them suffer - I'd be incredibly vindictive if anyone caused my babies pain, but for your DD's sake I think it's important to acknowledge that children do sometimes make stupid, immoral mistakes, and to give them a chance to see the error of their ways and make amends. If, heaven forbid, I learnt that my DD had done this, I'd be having a conversation making it very clear what she'd done wrong, that she should be better than this, and needed to apologise and do the right thing in future.

If it sprung from religious convictions rather than kneejerk bitchiness then it wouldn't make it defensible, but it would make it much more difficult to deal with.