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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SM cut my childs hair - AIBU?

106 replies

nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 19:04

I can't tell if I am or not.

Right now I feel like sobbing and have a lump in my throat. My dd can tell something is up and I'm annoyed at myself for not being better at hiding it from her. She thinks its lovely - and I've told her I think it is too, but in my initial shock, I asked her why her dad and sm hadn't told me they were going to do it - something that is beyond a 6yold and not her problem. I feel bad about that:/

It was long, (not hugely) and now it's shoulder length. SM did it at home. Things are very bad between us for loads of reasons (one being over-stepping of boundaries in my opinion). I spoke to dd last night while she was at her dads and she didn't mention it. I asked her today why she hadnt told me on the phone and she said her dad told her not to tell me. I am desperately sad that my child is being made to do such things. Not the life I had planned for her at all.

That aside, aibu? Do I say nothing? To be fair, I've cut dd's hair in the past without 'permission' per se, but did text beforehand to mention it and send photos of finished version. I found out when I picked her up from school.

SM makes a point of giving dd instructions that she must follow in my home - to the point that dd defers to her knowledge an awful lot. I feel dd no longer trusts me to parent her. (Think giving me instructions not to wash xyz piece of clothing as SM knows how to do it mummy and you dont)

I always ALWAYS let these things go as I don't want to mess my child's head up- but I honestly feel like my child sees SM as the one who she has to listen to. I don't know what to do. Confused

OP posts:
Tasmania · 30/09/2013 21:56

I'm sorry, I will go against the trend... but a SM is in essence a mother, too.

What's the problem with the SM giving her a haircut? It's a haircut! The dad was there. Is he not allowed to say his DD needs a haircut??

What's the problem with the shoes?!? It's shoes!

This shouldn't really be about the mother (who is an adult). It's about the child who has already gone through her parents divorcing. As long as DD has fun with her dad and her SM, I think it's fine. As far as I can see, the child is a LOT better off than some children who really don't get on with their stepparents. At least SM seems to care about the child. There are some who really don't give a sh*t about the child, and the bio mum then smugly goes on about the evil SM... but is that great for the child?!

I just think that at some point, somebody should say that the child is lucky to have two people actually wanting to be the child's mum. Some don't even have one... Sad

BlatantRedhead · 30/09/2013 21:57

They definitely want residency. There's no good reason to slander the other parent other than to try and convince the judge they are not fit for purpose. If they were interested in co-parenting they'd be cooperating with you, they wouldn't be undermining and belittling you. I think they are making a record of your "inadequacies" to return to court with. What they clearly don't realise is the judge wouldn't transfer residence without hard evidence of neglect, certainly not based on hearsay from one side. If they can't prove that you've been neglectful of DD or negative/uncooperative about contact the judge shouldn't give them the time of day...

She sounds more and more horrible with every post. She clearly wanted you out of the picture altogether and since her bullshit about you didn't stand up in court, she's trying to do it through manipulating DD.

Namegame, you are a good mum and your DD knows that. She loves you, with that unconditional love that's reserved specially for mummy. SM does NOT have that bond with DD and can't, no matter how hard she tries to push you out. I say this as a SM with full respect for the mother-child bond. There is nothing like it, it's irreplaceable.

sugarandspite · 30/09/2013 21:59

Oh and (sorry!)

You say about 'building a bubble in which DD can have total faith in your love for her'

But actually I think you have that the wrong way round. Your bubble needs to be one in which you give yourself permission to have total faith in DDs love for you. She knows you love her because your a good mum, but you need to let yourself have confidence that she loves you more than anyone in the whole world.

pigletmania · 30/09/2013 22:03

Tasmania, a sm should not undermine the mother, and try and dictate to her what she should do, and to knock her to the ground as a mother. The haircut, shoes are all part of this sm way of knocking op confidence and trying to break her so tat they can get full residency. She does not sound like a kind woman.

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/09/2013 22:07

If you mention the wart to dd's doctor then you have it documented that you sought medical attention and then have evidence that you are not neglecting her medical needs.

And SM needs to be told to stop using over the counter treatments more frequently than recamended,she also needs to be told not to use treatments without permision when those treatments could cause harm or interact with other treatments given that the child does not live in her house.

BlatantRedhead · 30/09/2013 22:07

Tasmania are you serious? Have you read the thread? OP is being told by her own child that she is not to treat her wart or wash her clothes because StepMum says so. What gives stepmum the right to say that to say that? There is nothing that makes this acceptable. SM is confusing the child - she has no right to do that.

RandomMess · 30/09/2013 22:09

I remember the thread about the playdates - it was the actions of an insane woman.

Pilgit · 30/09/2013 22:11

Oh darling. You have been bullied and cowed into a corner by these people (at least that is what your posts sound like - yes there are 2 sides to every story but the examples here sound like it). All the insidious undermining is in the little things - the things that when taken in isolation sound ridiculous to any normal person, but when taken as a whole serve to undermine and erode ones confidence. And as you are a normal person it has eroded your confidence precisely because you look at these incidents and know they are 'silly' because you feel shitty because of it you label yourself as 'stupid' for feeling a perfectly natural and normal emotional reaction. [sorry pop pyschology from the armchair]

You cannot control or influence what they do but what you can do is change your reaction to it. Stop letting it erode your confidence as a parent. stop caring what they think. I have very little experience of step families (I have my own wicked step mother but she only entered the scene when i was already an adult) but there are basic rules with other people's children - you don't undermine their parenting being the main one.

You are in control. You are a fabulous mother and have an incredible amount of resilience to face all of it down as you have - and take the court result and cafcass as external validation of your parenting skills (if you need it).

ivykaty44 · 30/09/2013 22:13

I agree with you can't speak to your ex or the sm so concentrate on your relationship with dd and make sure you are both well wrapped up in a good relationship, do the girly treats and lovely things together and have a lot of fun and laughs. Dd and me often go for a coffee and cake on a friday after school - it is our time when we can chat and being out of the house we do talk to each other a lot more.

I would also agree on under minding this woman in a very gentle but broken record way

soemthing like

oh goodness sm is silly to think that - of course mummy can wash the clothing

oh goodness sm is silly thats not how mummy does it and then wink

you are a great mum as you care so much and no one will ever replace you as mum

Original poster
nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 22:14

Blatant, another lovely post. Thank you. It never actually got in front of the judge for the final hearing. Ex didn't submit one piece of evidence to support his slander- whereas I submitted over 20 pieces to refute it. My barrister said he was advised by his to avoid cross examination (in the face of so much evidence, I like to believe he would have looked very silly). In essence, the court thing was a circus, a waste of time designed to 'sort me out'. It didn't work.

Tasmania- I think it's probably easy to assume that I am the stereotypical step parent basher. This just isn't the case. I don't see my dd as a possession that I own or feel jealous of other people's love for her. I love the fact that other people care so deeply for her. She has siblings at her dads and I'm glad for her as she has none here. The thing is though, I don't believe that any stepparent needs to show love for child by undermining and slandering the actual parent. That can't work. My dd's sm doesn't just feel the need to control her own home, but mine as well. I believe any parent will rally against that.

OP posts:
Retroformica · 30/09/2013 22:15

In think your DD feels SM must be obeyed. SM obviously sets lots of firm boundaries.

So from now on talk and act like you are the solid steady parent and laugh off SM quotes from DD. if she says washing has to be done a specific way just laugh and say ' don't be daft in my house we do x and x'

I wouldn't mention the hair. I would ask your DD what hair style she wants and in a month or so text DH telling him DD's preference hair style wise.

Retroformica · 30/09/2013 22:19

Your DD will see through SMs controlling behaviour eventually. It may take years. In the mean time make your relationship with DD as wonderful and close as possible.

Original poster
nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 22:19

For the record, I agreed to shared residency by consent at the last hearing. Ex and sm were whooping about that but not sure why really. It means nothing at all in terms of the access arrangements.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 30/09/2013 22:30

I'm not sure why either it means bugger all in practise given that you also have the contact order.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 30/09/2013 22:30

Residency shared between whom, though nickname?

Has SM got PR? She will have automatically if she's named on the residency order.

I'm sorry things haven't got better for you (We've chatted before - think Mickey Mouse Wink ) and I had hoped since the court order things would have settled.

On its own, the hair could be a genuine mistake on a SM part - in your case, no; definitely not.

Mummyoftheyear · 30/09/2013 22:31

Really feeling for you. I'd feel as you do. Accept your feelings rather than consider you're wrong. But maybe try to also give the benefit of the doubt to sm and consider it as a helpful way for her to show care for and give attention to your son. As long as he is happy with it, that's great.

Original poster
nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 22:48

China yes that's meGrin
No she doesn't have PR
I guess things have settled in their own way- mostly because I've gone NC. We literally don't break breath and although I think that must be awful for dd (she is largely shielded from it for now) she won't be blind to the Cold War forever, sadly. Not engaging with them really helps me though, which is why I know I can't bring up this new issue- it would kick it all off again.

OP posts:
Original poster
nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 22:49

Sorry shared residency is between ex and I. We also have a contact order so it all bollocks really.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 30/09/2013 22:52

Out of interest if the application was in SM's name how did you end up with her not being named on the residency bit?

springybuffy · 30/09/2013 22:54

You would not look mental taking this to court over haircuts and shoes. You absolutely must screw this woman down by any and every means - she plans to take over your role (entirely) and push you right out. It means nothing to her that it's your dd who will be split down the middle.

I also can't agree that DD will 'see through this eventually'. this is wishful thinking imo. YOu have to get in quick and you have to get in decisively OP. Have you read Lundy Bancroft's 'When Dad Hurts Mom'? There is a chapter on the continuing abuse post divorce/separation. It may not speak directly to your situation but it helps to get the gist of what it is like for the kids to be manipulated, heart and mind, in this way. It is very serious and I really would do all you can to put a stop to this very damaging and manipulative behaviour. I hope you can see that, at 6, your daughter is already viewing you as an idiot (who can't even wash clothes). You must move on this. It is domestic abuse - in stereo.

LadyBigtoes · 30/09/2013 22:55

No experience myself but just wanted to say do keep a log/diary of all the kinds of things you've described, and talk to someone official (eg solicitor) about it, then continue keeping the log. Partly because it will back you up in the event of them trying to edge you out. But also because it will make you feel powerful, and every ridiculous/nasty thing she does will be "one for the diary" and you will feel better recording it and knowing you are collecting it.

Agree with all the others who've said be confident about your role in your own home with your own DD.

Original poster
nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 22:56

Sorry I should have made that bit clear. The application was in ex's name but when we got the papers, she provided her contact details as the point of contact for the court - weird or what? All info from my sol went to ex's sol via her email address.

OP posts:
Original poster
nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 22:58

Springy that scares the hell out of me:/

OP posts:
ballstoit · 30/09/2013 23:38

The only way your DD will trust you to be her parent, is for you to trust yourself.

You are doing exactly what a caring, loving parent does, by trying not to hurt your child. But in this case, it's time to step up and be the Mum your dad needs.

Spend one to one time with dd each day (phone and TV off, do DD's choice of activity), lavish care and attention on her. And use humour to deflect sm's shit wherever possible 'she thinks Mummy can't wash clothes? Who does she think does the washing here, Cinderella? Haha.' 'Stepmum knows better than the Dr about your wart? Well, that's a bit silly isn't it? Hahah.' DD needs to know that it's okay not to believe the controlling bitch, but she also needs to not be responsible for your feelings.

It's hard, but you can change things. 10 days of a loving, caring relationship can stand up to 4 days of manipulative weirdness Wink

ballstoit · 30/09/2013 23:38

dd not dad...thanks auto correct

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