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AIBU?

SM cut my childs hair - AIBU?

106 replies

nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 19:04

I can't tell if I am or not.

Right now I feel like sobbing and have a lump in my throat. My dd can tell something is up and I'm annoyed at myself for not being better at hiding it from her. She thinks its lovely - and I've told her I think it is too, but in my initial shock, I asked her why her dad and sm hadn't told me they were going to do it - something that is beyond a 6yold and not her problem. I feel bad about that:/

It was long, (not hugely) and now it's shoulder length. SM did it at home. Things are very bad between us for loads of reasons (one being over-stepping of boundaries in my opinion). I spoke to dd last night while she was at her dads and she didn't mention it. I asked her today why she hadnt told me on the phone and she said her dad told her not to tell me. I am desperately sad that my child is being made to do such things. Not the life I had planned for her at all.

That aside, aibu? Do I say nothing? To be fair, I've cut dd's hair in the past without 'permission' per se, but did text beforehand to mention it and send photos of finished version. I found out when I picked her up from school.

SM makes a point of giving dd instructions that she must follow in my home - to the point that dd defers to her knowledge an awful lot. I feel dd no longer trusts me to parent her. (Think giving me instructions not to wash xyz piece of clothing as SM knows how to do it mummy and you dont)

I always ALWAYS let these things go as I don't want to mess my child's head up- but I honestly feel like my child sees SM as the one who she has to listen to. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Report

RandomMess · 30/09/2013 21:06

Agree with Wilson as well.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/09/2013 21:07

You have to nip this in the bud OP, it starts in your own home. No more 'instructions'. If you need to, google things like wart treatment so you can assure yourself that you are doing things the right way and inform DD of that too. Definitely do not bring up SM in conversation anymore, and quickly distract DD when she does. First step is to get her out of your environment. If you want to wash a top you were told not to wash, wash it. DD will see that the world did not end.

Block SMs number from your phone. If you want zero contact, make it so. And I hope SM doesn't contact her at your home either.

I feel you are sacrificing your relationship with DD because you don't want her caught between you, but it's damaging your relationship, and you don't know that she will suddenly see you made all the sacrifices. I wouldn't leave it to chance. Start rebuilding your bond with her and reassert your authority as her mother - home needs to be a SM free zone.

BlatantRedhead · 30/09/2013 21:07

I'm sure I remember a previous thread about a SM over stepping the mark by setting up play dates. Was that you OP? If it is then I'm so sorry to hear you're still having problems.

I'm currently dealing with exactly this but sort of in reverse. I'm the step mum and DSD tells me all the time how I'm 'supposed' to do things, what I'm not allowed to do because mummy says so, how mummy does this and that better, how I'm ugly and mum is pretty, how I'm skinny with small boobs and mummy has nice boobs (??? Ffs why is anyone saying this to her ???!) it goes on and ON!

We've created a list of House Rules (DSD came up with most of them herself) and been clear with DSD that in Mummy's house it Mummy's rules but in Daddy's House it's these Rules.

Maybe you should do something like this with DD. It can apply to treating that wart, denitting the nitless hair, washing your own child's clothes and any other petty thing SM tries to ban. Explain to DD in the nicest possible way that in Daddy's house SM can say what she wants but you are her mummy and in your house, DD follows mummy's rules. This my help with your DD's confusion over these spiteful boundary breaches. It really is a shame they are confusing DD like this - makes you wonder how they can consider themselves good parents.

FWIW I'd never cut DSD's hair without running it by her mother first and you are NOT being unreasonable. No reasonable mother would over-step like that. But then we are not dealing with reasonable people, and control freaks require a noose special handling.

tripecity · 30/09/2013 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whereisegg · 30/09/2013 21:12

Ok, I am a SM.
I have (occasionally) had a giggle at things my dss has said, gently put him right, then been told "well that's what mum says" so I have panicked that she thinks similar of me.
Hopefully not, as it was things like "you shouldn't have salt on your food because it's full of calories" and "I'm not allowed coke, but I am allowed diet coke as it's good for my teeth."

If he says things that are madness but mentions that his mum has said so before we react, we will say something more like "oh that's interesting, let's have a google of that later"

Anyway, people will always disagree on how to do things op, but I don't think that is what is happening here.
It sounds very sad for your dd, and it is awful that you are in this position.

The only thing I can think of, is to thank them for their advice and that (whatever they suggest) is just what you were going to do - isn't it great we all agree!
I think that would really piss her off!

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/09/2013 21:15

So he has the every other weekend contact then?

If so you need to stop reinforcing his/ her view points on your lack of care and start asserting yourself.

Then using texts about things like you not treating lice is the slippery slope to handing them unchallenged evidence on a plate,if she claims she has live when she does not then reply with check your kids dd has been checked and does not have them.

Anything medical go I to overdrive and take her to a docter and get treatment perscribed and inform SM that she is not to instruct dd to refuse essential medical treatment as doing so is clearly option her best interests.

And none negatively readdress the balence with dd

nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 21:20

Thank you all so much.

Yes it probably was my post about the play dates (although that's one area she hasn't ventured into again)

The poster who said that I was waiting in the hope that dd will see I've made sacrifices really struck a chord with me- that is exactly how I feel. It's like I think if I just let all this shit go, dd will thank me for oh eventfully and she will have come out of it will unscathed. Trouble is I am no longer sure about that.

OP posts:

BlatantRedhead · 30/09/2013 21:22

Just seen what you said about the court order being in her name - WTAF??

miffybun73 · 30/09/2013 21:22

YANBU, I would be furious and very sad.

sugarandspite · 30/09/2013 21:22

Oh nickname, I want to give you such a massive hug.

It really sounds like your ex and his wife have pushed you and ground you down and trashed your confidence. You sound worn out.

I dont know much about step parenting but 2 things really struck me:

Clearly the court didn't award residency to your ex - so they weren't fooled by all his bollocks of you being an unfit mother. If the court had any concerns, they would have explored them. So you have objective confirmation that you are a good mother

You grew your DD, you birthed her, you nurtured her as an infant, held her hands as she learnt to walk and helped her become the little person she is now. You are her mother - the person she has loved best and longest for all of her little life.

Please do some work on being confident in this role in your DDs life - maybe with a counsellor. If you allow yourself to be pushed out of believing in the importance of your relationship with her then you rock the foundations of her world. She needs you to be confident in your position as her mum.

I almost think it doesn't really matter how you handle your ex and the SM - whether you fight back against them or just let it slide past you and try to not care. But what matters is that you show your daughter that you are confident that nothing they can do will effect your relationship with her - because if you're not confident then how can she be confident in the importance and the invincibility of your mother-daughter bond?

Sorry that's massively waffly, I hope you can get a sense if what I'm trying to say!

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 30/09/2013 21:29

It will happen.

My 12YO DSS barely tolerates me now even though he used to adore me and I have done nothing different. He is approaching teenage years .

My 11YO DS, with the controlling father, has started to finish sentences with things like "you know what Dad is like".

Wilson's wise words to assert yourself will be your friend in the long run

Unfortunately you have to smile and nod to an extent - lots of 'oh, is that what SM thinks?' with a smile, then do it your own way. But please, please don't think DD loves you less. You're her mum. You're the one she is 100% secure with - you are her rock. SM is someone she wants desperately to please - not the same thing. At all.

Fight the things worth fighting, keep an open dialogue with your daughter about how you do things and why. This will not last forever.

nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 21:30

Sorry lots of spelling mistakes in last post- damn autocorrect! My biggest hope is that dd has a childhood that she looks back on with happy memories. I am not perfect though and have occasionally told dd off for refusing to let me do something regarding her care or for example, if she says something that sm has said. I do feel bad about that but there have been days in the past when one comment too many has pushed me over the edge and I will make a comment I probably shouldn't. I then torture myself that dd will be scarred by it all:/

Regarding the unchallenged evidence, I did reply to sm's text via ex. I completely refuse now to answer any correspondence from her. I also completely ignored the 'advice' on how I should treat myself and my family.

When we were in court over access, ex wrote a letter to cafcass about my parenting. He admitted that SM wrote it. It was basically a massive slur on my inadequacies regarding her diet and health. Cafcass completely dismissed it.

OP posts:

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/09/2013 21:31

I think that a bit of tactical undermining is in order. Nothing obvious and nothing that can be parroted back at SM, but don't let her word be the last word. Take her to see the nurse about that wart.

Is your DD fairly young? The younger she is, the easier it will be to press the re-set button!

Don't contact them about things like haircuts anymore, keep it to emergency contact only.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/09/2013 21:32

x-post, sorry!

nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 21:34

Aww those last few posts have made me blubber a little bit. I'm going to print wilsons words and put them on my fridge!

OP posts:

nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 21:37

Sugar- such a lovely post. I think I know what you mean. Like perhaps building a 'bubble' (for want of a better word) for myself and dd where she has complete faith in my love for her. I am going to do some serious work on myself to create this, and I guess a little work on dd as well because I don't always feel that she does trust me.

OP posts:

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 30/09/2013 21:39

nickname .... don't beat yourself up. Of course you say those things. We all do. None of us are perfect. We are the best we can be parents, all of us. I've apologised to my DS a few times for saying things about his father I shouldn't have, have explained I was angry and moved on.

I think you are handling a difficult situation marvellously. Keep it up.

Do you have a RL friend in a similar situation who you can bitch about the feckers with? If you don't please feel free to call on me. I can rant for England about the knobby controlling things my ex does - who sounds very like the SM in this situation - we can make each other laugh at the stupidity of the situation. Feckers.

pigletmania · 30/09/2013 21:40

My goodness what a nasty woman, very toxic. It looks lie they are trying to make you out as the bad parent, do you thnk they want full residency! Sounds very suspicious

nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 21:44

Gator (love your name btw!), I did try to treat the wart but it wouldn't shift and I know myself these things just resolve in time. SM is going at it every week though with feeezing kits, determined to show me up yet again I would imagine. (Before anyone says 'damned if you do etc, that is not a slur on the sm's who do these things for their DC, but if you know their mum is meeting the child's needs, I personally would let them crack on)

Yes her name was on the application to court. Go figure. Their statement was 9 pages of 'we' 'us', 'our parents'., 'our family'. I was not referred to once except in slander.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 30/09/2013 21:47

I agree sugar it is a lovely post and true, carcass and the courts has seen right through them. It does not look good when Sm is doing all th wrk and ex s not, lie tat letter to Cafcass

nicknamegame · 30/09/2013 21:48

She wrote the letter for him - he admitted it (isn't very bright)
So in a way, they are oblivious to her actions as it was signed off by ex

OP posts:

pigletmania · 30/09/2013 21:49

A good step parent is everything this woman is not!

pigletmania · 30/09/2013 21:52

You are her mother, ad by the sounds a pretty good on. Dd s your daughter not hers, just ignore her 'advice' it's not relevant and don't communicate with her only through legal channels. She sounds like she is trying to take dd away

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 30/09/2013 21:53

Re the wart. Next time you are at the Dr, ask if they would freeze it off for her (cryotherapy). Our minor injuries clinic does this for free! It is the only thing that got rid of verrucas for both DDs - and I believe it works just as well with warts.

sugarandspite · 30/09/2013 21:55

Thanks nickname :)

I do think that a bit of counselling or even something like hypnotherapy might be really helpful to you in maintaining your confidence and attempt at serenity - for want of another word.

Those fuckers aren't going to change. So I think focusing your energy on yourself and your position as DDs mum is the best thing you can do. And should also mean that if there comes a point when they really do cross a big boundary that you decide to address directly, you'll be feeling so much more empowered to do so.

Good luck, I so hope that you can find a way to not let this tarnish your enjoyment of DDs childhood.

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