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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.....or am I really a disgraceful mother?

70 replies

HenD19 · 29/09/2013 20:34

I have 3DC aged nearly 6, 2 and 4months.

I know that I've been really hard work in the last 4 months, snappy and demanding and the like, but I'm so tired and down about life. I have been getting on at my DH quite a bit as I get so sick of never stopping while he still gets time to go to the gym, lie in, clothes shop etc.

Things have come to a head today and he's said I'm a disgrace as I find it really hard to be out and about on my own with all three children, mainly as DC2 is a wild one. I apparently don't discipline our children properly and need to get my act together and get on with my life. I just feel really low and it's easier said than done. I'm trying my best but it still isn't good enough.

So AIBU or is he?......I suppose you all know the answer I'm hoping for.....

OP posts:

JackyJax · 29/09/2013 21:12

Hi there. I have 3 children myself albeit different ages to you and whilst I adore them, it can be challenging. I don't think there's any point in ranting at your husband regarding him having more time off than you. With the type of man he seems to be this will be pointless.

What I think you need to do is to say eg What time do you want to go to the gym on Saturday? Ok, then you'll be out of the house 10am-12pm. Why don't we have lunch together then I'll be out 2-4pm.

Be really specific about what you want/need.
My husband works really hard during the week (630am-800pm) and it can feel incredibly selfish to ask for time for yourself at the weekend. However, you'll be a much better mum/wife/person if you get some time out.

Also if money allows, how about getting some help? You can find a school age person for not much money who can help you with some of the million and one tasks you need to do with three children. Even if you can only afford 2 hours once a week, this will help. I sometimes employ my next door neighbour's son and it's great to have a spare pair of hands. He might wash some dishes, cook dinner, colour with one child or play chess with another. He really enjoys it and my boys loving having him around too.

Like me I see that you also have to fit in a school run which can make things more tricky.

Also when your baby sleeps during the day, make sure you take some time for yourself. Even if you have to stick the 2 year old in front of the tv for 20 minutes, use that time to read a magazine/mumsnet/eat lunch.

Hang on in there. I think you've got a lot on your plate but things will get easier.

Start small- 20 minute break during day/2hour slot at weekend.

Sending you a 'fellow mother of 3' hug!

pianodoodle · 29/09/2013 21:13

What motherinferior says about supportive co-parents is spot on.

Also DH works full time as well and is currently getting up in the night for DD (2) if she wakes so she gets used to him going in, as I'm due again xmas and will be up with newborn.

We both have busy days - we help each other and when we're both at home, no one has a set "job" we do what's easiest for all of us.

BillyBanter · 29/09/2013 21:22

They are his children too.

Between the hours of 8am and 6pm (amend as appropriate) mon-fri it is his responsibility to earn money for the family and your responsibility to look after the children's needs and fit in what housework you can around that.

Between the hours of 6pm and 8am mon-fri and at weekends childcare and housework is 50% your responsibility and 50% his responsibility. If he is not matching what you do then it is him who is not pulling his weight and any disgrace is his not yours. Also as you don't get a lunch break you should get an extra 2.5 hours for yourself.

If things are not getting done then then he needs to up his game.

AnandaTimeIn · 29/09/2013 21:24

You are letting this man walk all over you.

But you are colluding, unless you radically change the dynamics. Yes, you can do it

Pretty hard when it is set in his stone. You have to be the one to change it.

It's either up to you to change it or LTB (if he won't).

--of course he won't cos he has a cushy life and has you where he wants (all of) you.

What are you teaching your children with this?

If I am a single mum, you can do it too. Life is so much better without a manchild in your life....

pointythings · 29/09/2013 21:45

He is not doing his best. As for 'he's had enough'? Bloody hell, if my DH had tried that one he would have been wearing his dinner. Tell your DH that a real man does his bit when he's at home - that a real man changes the awful nappies, gets sicked up on, soothes crying babies, plays with toddlers, cooks meals and helps with laundry on his weekend. Because you are a partnership. Only a selfish entitled manchild thinks he can have three children and a house slave. There's only one disgraceful person in this equation, and it isn't you.

Original poster

HenD19 · 29/09/2013 21:58

Thanks so much for all your advice and comments. When I can get him to talk to me I'm going to try and arrange to make some time for myself between feeds and get out on my own as suggested.

Thinking back I've felt like this after having all my DC but it's def worse this time. I know that this too will pass but I wish it would pass a bit more quickly.

OP posts:

LayMeDown · 29/09/2013 22:34

Three is tough you are absolutely right. Mine are 6,4 and 2. I damn near lost my mind after the third one. I sat on my bed every evening and cried. It was so relentless and exhausting (it gets a bit easier but still tough).
My H has a stressful job and is gone from 7.45am to 8 pm. The only person who got lie ons was me. He shared everything at weekends. He rolled his sleeves up as soon as he walked in the door. He came home early once a week so I could go to the gym. He dealt with any non breast feeding night time wakings. He told me daily what a great job I was doing even though I was struggling just like you. Even with all this support I found it really difficult, so I can only imagine how much harder it is for you.
You need to stand up for yourself, and your children. Shouldering everything is not helping them or you. The only one it suits his him. Afternoon naps? Is he for fucking real? If he needs more rest he goes to bed at the same time as the kids in the evening. And you match his lie ons, gym trips and clothes shopping one for one until he gets the idea. Pick him up on every snap at the kids (make him see his parenting flaws). He won't understand how tough it is until he does it, so make sure he does. I mean if he thinks its so easy let him prove it. Fucker.

merrymouse · 29/09/2013 22:55

Speaking from personal experience, I think sometimes men find it easy to say "I'll be off to the gym then" and they aren't too bothered about whether you find this annoying as long as you don't express annoyance (passive aggression can zoom over their heads...) whereas women have a greater tendancy to wait for permission to do something 'selfish', or not do it if they suspect it will upset somebody else.

You need to set boundaries by calmly doing, not discussing, even if this leads to disgruntlement. (Like with toddlers...)

HaroldLloyd · 29/09/2013 23:14

Do that hen. It will have a double benefit of giving you a break and him a taste of how hard it is.

Lilacroses · 29/09/2013 23:29

Sorry, not read whole thread but just had to say....your husband sounds completely selfish. Calling you a "disgrace"! Please know that you're not. That most people find looking after several small children immensely challenging and that you have every right to expect a little bit of support and a little bit of time to yourself.

TigerSwallowTail · 29/09/2013 23:51

I have a 6 year old and a 4 month old and I find it hard with just the two of them, never mind adding a toddler to the mix. Dp works really hard in a very stressful job Monday to Friday but we still try and keep things equal wrt free time. We also make sure that we each get a long lie or a nap at the weekends and will take a night each on baby duty at the weekend too. I get up with dc2 during the night through the week but up until last weekend (I decided we'd take a night each as it's getting easier during the week) dp was on night duty all weekend to give me a rest.

Could you express during the day and try and have a similar arrangement at the weekend? He should be helping you out more, it's awful that he's leaving everything for you to do.

Lweji · 29/09/2013 23:55

He's definitely BU.

Next time he says it, you should walk out the door for the day and tell him to show you how to parent.

BratinghamPalace · 30/09/2013 04:23

I have three, 6,5 and 2.5. It is good now but it was so, so hard. Physically and emotionally. Privately I felt like a failure for years. I stayed at home. I found it very difficult to go out with all DCs, was mortified most times i did and then my life changed after reading a few threads on MN. Man did it open my eyes! The first advise I took was to make a list of the things he was in charge of and tape it to the wall. The second was booking a weekend away as soon as you have finished nursing. As soon as. I mean it. He needs to live your life and not for a few hours. You owe it to yourself and the entire family to let go and walk away. It is amazing to come home after a weekend away. Everyone is nuts for you! And a major shift for me was not saying "I would like to go the the gym" but rather " my class in the gym starts at x time, do you want to go before or after me?" And so on for everything until the behaviour in both of us changed. It gets better. It really does. Especially when you start to get some good sleep. Good luck. I have been where you are. It hurts.

joanofarchitrave · 30/09/2013 04:35

A lightbulb moment for me was a post on MN that talked about the fact that as soon as a parent says 'I'm off to town to have a coffee' or 'I'm going to the gym' they have already decided what the other parent is going to do - they are going to look after the children. It is the feeling that, parent Z may do this bit of childcare, or that bit, but that BY DEFAULT parent W will pick up the slack at all other times - THAT feeling going on for any period of time will have you looking and feeling deranged at the strength of your resentment and fury.

AveryJessup · 30/09/2013 04:48

'Dishwasher duty twice a week'?

Seriously?

This man-child doesn't even know he's born! He wants his afternoon naps and trips to the gym and relaxation time, does he? Fuck him. He has three children under the age of 6 so tough shit, it's not going to happen.

I am a stay-at-home parent right now and my DH works a very stressful job, regularly putting in 12 hour days and weekends, long-haul business travel etc. He has barely got time to eat some days let alone fuck around going to the gym and having naps. Despite that he is very supportive and parented solo* with DS all day yesterday, for example, while I attended a training course. Your DH needs to man up and take on the burden of fatherhood instead of acting like a fourth child. What did he think life was going to be like with 3 children? It's not enough to pay the bills, he needs to pull his weight at home too.

Sorry to let off steam but it seems to common here on MN. So many women writing in about these selfish arses of men who want to be fathers but don't want to do any of the parenting grind and support their spouses.

I don't refer to my DH as 'babysitting' or 'taking care' of our DS because he is DS's father so he is parenting when he takes care of him, not helping me out or babysitting. How can you babysit your own child?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2013 05:32

DH's bit is general tidying some nights, dishwasher duty prob twice a week, the gardens and emptying the bins. So, in fact, less than he would have to do IF HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN. He thinks that having a wife and a mother to his children entitles him to a servant. One he gets to give 'constructive' feedback to as well.

He needs to step up and you need to let him.

HaroldLloyd · 30/09/2013 08:18

That's exactly what I told DP when he moaned last week, having children is irrelevant to evening chores eating meals cleaning up etc. even if he was single he would have to do all these chores. They should be split equally.

Original poster

HenD19 · 30/09/2013 19:01

Lots of straight talking again from last posts. About to have 'a talk' so hope to get things off my chest. I think the biggest thing I'm up against is that DH has had to change and do more than he's ever done since the arrival of DC3 so he thinks he's really pulling his weight. Wish me luck....

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2013 19:29

Good luck. Remeber the MN mantra, "equal time off".

KatOD · 30/09/2013 19:39

Good luck

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