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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.....or am I really a disgraceful mother?

70 replies

HenD19 · 29/09/2013 20:34

I have 3DC aged nearly 6, 2 and 4months.

I know that I've been really hard work in the last 4 months, snappy and demanding and the like, but I'm so tired and down about life. I have been getting on at my DH quite a bit as I get so sick of never stopping while he still gets time to go to the gym, lie in, clothes shop etc.

Things have come to a head today and he's said I'm a disgrace as I find it really hard to be out and about on my own with all three children, mainly as DC2 is a wild one. I apparently don't discipline our children properly and need to get my act together and get on with my life. I just feel really low and it's easier said than done. I'm trying my best but it still isn't good enough.

So AIBU or is he?......I suppose you all know the answer I'm hoping for.....

OP posts:

CocacolaMum · 29/09/2013 20:50

well isn't he just Mr Supportive.

Do you think you might have a touch of Post Natal Depression? If you are in anyway being a martyr (I am not accusing you, I am saying IF) then stop now before you make a rod for your own back. You need to make it crystal clear to him that if you are feeling low it is because you need support NOT more stress from him and if he cannot give you that support then you need to reassess your entire relationship. You deserve a partnership, not a big kid to deal with.

Timeforabiscuit · 29/09/2013 20:50

Leave

Not permanently, just three hours... Maybe more..

How much notice depends on how much of a dick he is. But he is so utterly in the wrong here I can't make a joke about it.

YouTheCat · 29/09/2013 20:51

I second abandoning him in Ikea. So easy to get lost. Make sure your phone is out of charge and make your way to the café.

HaroldLloyd · 29/09/2013 20:53

Seriously I only have two and its hard. My 2 year old turned feral in ikea and started spitting and biting shelving units.

Original poster

HenD19 · 29/09/2013 20:53

Wow. Quick responses. He is doing his bit with the older two but has only had all three on his own for v brief periods. I am a bit of a control freak and find it difficult to leave him to it and he loses patience quickly so I feel sorry for the DC. DC3 is still EBF which makes it more tricky to get away.

DH did have to take over for 3 nights during the summer hols with DC1 and 2 as DC3 was in hospital and he admitted that he gets why I cry some nights when he gets in.....this is soon forgotten though.

I think I've got the whole resentment thing going on too, especially as he things he needs a break and to be looked after at the weekend because of his stressful job.

Having 3 is so bloody hard.

OP posts:

MomentForLife · 29/09/2013 20:53

YANBU! As others have said leave him with all three and see how he copes.

Oh and with regards to DC2, I believe I'm good at discipline, have worked with lots of children in the past but my DD is an absolute bugger! Love her to bits and wouldn't change her, its just her personality.

pianodoodle · 29/09/2013 20:55

P.s I'm sure you don't need to have PND to find 3 children that age difficult to cope with but might be worth a trip to the GP anyway.

Also if anything would help to cause depression it would be the lack of support you're getting

scallopsrgreat · 29/09/2013 20:58

What does 'his bit' involve OP? Also what does he do around the house in terms of housework/cooking etc?

Why do you think you are a control freak because the reasons you have given for not leaving the children with him for too long seem valid to me?

pianodoodle · 29/09/2013 20:58

Seriously I only have two and its hard. My 2 year old turned feral in ikea and started spitting and biting shelving units

CocacolaMum · 29/09/2013 20:58

This is what I meant Hen. You need to be able to let go a little bit. If the reason you haven't left them is a control thing (I get it completely by the way, DH has rarely been left unless necessary) then you need to loosen the reins or accept some of the blame for your current situation.

Has he said he feels like he should be looked after at the weekends or do you feel like he should?

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 29/09/2013 20:59

Sounds to me like you have 4 children, not 3. He is the fucking disgrace. How DARE he speak to you like that?!

Original poster

HenD19 · 29/09/2013 20:59

DH has tried his best to be supportive but has just decided today that enough's enough.

Think I probably have got PND but not spoken to GP. Thought I was feeling a bit better but am dreadful again tonight for obvious reasons...

OP posts:

pianodoodle · 29/09/2013 20:59

He loses patience quickly after a brief period yet expects you to be super calm and collected 24/7....

scallopsrgreat · 29/09/2013 21:02

Lack of support is a huge factor in PND. So it wouldn't surprise me if you did have some PND.

ouryve · 29/09/2013 21:03

He sounds like a selfish twatwaffle, who needs to grow up.

scallopsrgreat · 29/09/2013 21:04

Really he hasn't tried his best to be supportive, otherwise he wouldn't be swanning off to the gym and having lie ins whilst you are doing the grunt work.

motherinferior · 29/09/2013 21:05

If that's his best at being supportive the man is quite clearly appalling.

At four months in with both of my children I was losing the plot grand style. The difference was that my partner was doing his best to be genuinely supportive.

scallopsrgreat · 29/09/2013 21:05

And he's decided enough is enough has he? Lucky him for being able to do that. When do you get to decide enough is enough?

Original poster

HenD19 · 29/09/2013 21:06

He expects to be able to rest, have afternoon naps etc. he got away with it with 2DC but he's got no chance now. How can this be fair when I'm the one who hasn't had a full night's sleep for 18weeks?

You do make sense cocacolamum as some of this situation is my own doing. It's really hard to let go for me though.

Thanks momentforlife as that's exactly how I feel about DC2 as I'm a teacher.

DH's bit is general tidying some nights, dishwasher duty prob twice a week, the gardens and emptying the bins.

OP posts:

KatOD · 29/09/2013 21:07

Wtaf. He is being a complete twat!!! Please don't be so hard on yourself, you should get as much time to do thinks other than be the house slave as he does. Absolutely outrageous....

motherinferior · 29/09/2013 21:08

Supportive co-parents cook meals, put the washing on, run the Hoover round the place, change nappies, encourage you to get out for a bit, remind you that they do love you, agree that it's all a bit crap at the moment...

CocacolaMum · 29/09/2013 21:10

I do mean to be hard on you, I really don't. You absolutely cannot allow this to carry on though. There is only so much he can do with dc3 but that's no excuse - fair enough everyone likes to get a bit of kip at the weekends but seriously, an afternoon nap?!

You need to sit him down and tell him that if he wants his wife back he needs to start acting like her husband again.

CocacolaMum · 29/09/2013 21:10

don't, not do

Calloh · 29/09/2013 21:11

Hen, YANBU. You poor woman. I've got three too and I would never change that but the stress on our marriage in the past six months has been massive. I totally understand and you do not sound like a disgrace at all.

First I think you need to get time to yourself regularly (and also give him a chance to see what you are going through).

I find the weekend stress me out because the routine goes way out of whack. And the house becomes a pit.

Could he take them to the park on Saturday morning every Saturday - give you half an hour to do what you want, whip the house round if it stresses you or have a coffee in peace with a magazine. Every other Saturday you each get the afternoon off. Then Sunday is your family day, would that maybe work - so one of you does all children supper things on Saturday. Then you both know you will each have a stress free day coming your way.

You need to calmly tell him that life, as it is, is not working for you as it is relentless. Do not let him make you feel bad for that as it's totally normal. You need to know you will have time to yourself . When you both have that you might be happier when you are all together.

Last weekend I screamed at my DH "you think it's no big deal having a baby, it bloody well is - it's such a big deal the NHS gives me free dental care for a year" and burst into tears (again). But things do get better.

Sorry if I've been boring or patronising .

expatinscotland · 29/09/2013 21:12

Your husband's acting like a douchebag.

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