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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is this a jealousy red flag?

79 replies

Trololo · 29/09/2013 19:38

Last night my boyfriend of four months was at mine. We were sitting watching tv and my phone beeped. It was a Facebook notification from a guy I went to school with, I don't know him well. It wasn't a private mail, he had commented a status I had put earlier. All very boring so far.

Anyway, I didn't really think much of it. BF was acting a bit quiet and I asked what's wrong, he said he was tired. Half an hour later he asked me if any other guys I had dated before him still text me. I obviously said no because I don't text or mail any other guys in that way iykwim. He then told me he had seen the notification and seen it was a guys name. I explained what it was (fb comment, not a text or pm) and he was fine, apologised for being weird with me and over reacting.

This morning he text me to tell me he wanted to know who this guy was, I told him that it's someone I barely knew and it was a public comment on one of my fb posts and he could read it for himself.

Is it a bit odd to be still questioning me over a ridiculous fb comment even though I explained it wasn't a private message? Also, even if it was a pm or text should I have to explain myself repeatedly to him when it would have been completely innocent anyway?

I really don't want to have to worry about the odd text to old friends. I don't have any male friends I'm in contact with on a regular basis, more a check in occasionally of people I was close to at school/old work places (not any exes) I get why he might ask once but he's still going on about it now.

Aibu or is this a bit of a jealousy red flag?

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 29/09/2013 23:42

Worse.

He doesn't see his behaviour as odd (which it really is). I don't hold out much hope tbh.

Ezio · 29/09/2013 23:42

Hes testing you to see if the stories change.

DrCoconut · 29/09/2013 23:42

Red flag. Me and DH have opposite sex facebook friends who we were at school with, worked with etc. it shouldn't be a problem if there is no history of cheating etc which there isn't in your case (going from op anyway). My ex was mega jealous and it ended badly.

digerd · 30/09/2013 07:21

He is insecure, jealous and controlling - exactly the type you don't need.

Ursula8 · 30/09/2013 07:40

OP, you say this is the second time you have had this convo with him. You also stated that he asked you early on how many men you had slept with and you politely dodged the question, but you have told him since. Why is that? Let me guess...is it cos he totally ignored your boundary and asked you again?
I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest that he doesn't like your friends much, or your family, and huffs and puffs if you go out without him?
I know it is hard when you feel invested and that you have finally found a good un, but far better to flush him now and make way for a healthy relationship. It hasn't been long. Don't waste any more time on him.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 30/09/2013 07:50

This won't get better. Jealousy can never be appeased.

You would be doing him a real kindness to break up with a calm explanation of why. It could help him examine himself.

BuskersCat · 30/09/2013 07:56

Major red flag.

Leave while you still can, before he wears you right down, before he makes it emotionally impossible to leave.

Original poster

Trololo · 30/09/2013 07:59

He hasn't spent much time with my family and friends so far and he's seemed ok with me going out without him. I was scared that this incident might be a sign of these sort of things happening.

OP posts:

Moxiegirl · 30/09/2013 08:06

I agree, get out now!

olgaga · 30/09/2013 08:22

I think this is definitely "a sign of these sort of things happening" and you shouldn't ignore it.

Get rid now before it gets nasty.

Golferman · 30/09/2013 08:25

Hmmmm, I think if the sexes were reversed the tone of OPs would be quite different

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/09/2013 08:32

Bollocks would it be different.

Abusive behaviour is still abusive behaviour when done by a woman

Original poster

Trololo · 30/09/2013 08:44

Golferman, my tone would not be different if the roles were reversed. He does have female friends and I am obviously fine with that and wouldn't question him. Also, I think if I did I would be labeled as a jealous 'bunny boiler'

OP posts:

Ursula8 · 30/09/2013 08:47

What do you mean golferman? PPs have stated that they have DPs who have friends of opposite sex who may comment on FB statuses and vice versa. Only a control freak would start a drama over it. Or someone who had been cheated on by their partner and already had reason to doubt them.
If I met a bloke who only had other men as FB friends I would think that was really odd.

waltermittymissus · 30/09/2013 09:09

Bullshit, golferman.

Not everything is a gender issue, you know. Sheesh!

shewhowines · 30/09/2013 09:29

Big red flags here too. You need to communicate how you feel about what has happened. It may be a one off but I doubt it. Stewing on it overnight is worrying. It could be, he was genuinely more worried by the fact that he thought you lied, than the text itself. Do you believe this?

If you carry on seeing him, be wary and take your time. Don't invest too much emotionally until you are certain it was a one off. At the very next incident, run like the wind. A leopard never changes its spots.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 10:07

Is golferman one of those "helpful" people purely here to point out how we are all man haters ?

Original poster

Trololo · 30/09/2013 10:12

I think he might be, anyfucker

OP posts:

Leverette · 30/09/2013 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FetchezLaVache · 30/09/2013 10:27

Yeah, red flag. I have a friend who went out with a bloke who insisted, quite early on in their relationship, that she ring every one of her male friends and inform them that it was no longer appropriate for her to be friends with them. He also interrogated her about former lovers and when it transpired that one of her exes was Senegalese, demanded that she throw away all her Youssou N'Dour CDs on the grounds that it was inappropriate for her to own any recorded music by an artist of the same nationality as someone she had previously slept with. Sadly, my friend ignored this enormous red flag and went on to have a child with the silly bastard.

waltermittymissus · 30/09/2013 10:38

Fetchez

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 30/09/2013 10:49

Red flag. He sounds insecure and needy. Get out now, because it won't get any better. I once told an ex how many people I'd slept with (I was age 20, he 30, and my 'score' was low) and he used it as a stick to beat me with, until I'd had enough and dumped him.

Pachacuti · 30/09/2013 11:07

Red flag. At best this should put him on a final warning, but probably more sensible to split up.

Golferman, if a male partner were getting repeated private messages or texts from a woman and was being cagey about that the female partner would probably be advised to be careful. But any poster who said "An actual woman , with a girl's name and everything, posted a public comment on my boyfriend's Facebook status. AIBU to be concerned and keep asking him about her?" would get very short shrift.

PetiteRaleuse · 30/09/2013 11:08

As someone who had two longish relationships with jealous men, which started out with fairly minor questioning like this but turned into a 24/7 nightmare this does seem like a red flag for jealousy and control freakishness. The most extreme of the two started this kind of behaviour about two or three months in, the other one at about four months.

When you do get pissed off and snap at him to stop he will give you a nice long sob story about how one of his exes cheated on him, probably with one of his friends. You will feel sorry for him, and understand why he is upset and vow to yourself that you wil never let him think that about you.

But even the most innocent action from you like, I dunno, saying thank you to a male shop assistant or waiter, will lead to, at the very least, a Bout of sulking, and at worst a full on row.

He will persuade you that moving in is a good idea, but this is only so that he can keep an even closer eye on you. Before you know it he will want to read your emails, look at your facebook messages and go through your phone and you'll let him, to keep the peace. And it never, ever improves. It just gets worse. I could go on and detail why and how, but I will stop here.

I might have been unlucky but those are my two experiences of dealing with jealous insecure manchildren. When I left the first I thought I' never fall into that trap again, but did, just a few months later.

Now I am in a normal relationship, and it took me ages to not be walking on eggshells and justifying everything to my lovely DH.

So YANBU, I hope that, if you don't walk now, you will remain vigilant to any other signs of this behaviour and walk then. Good luck OP.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 30/09/2013 11:10

He's either really insecure & will question you more & more OR really controlling/possessive. In any case, I'd see this as a huge red flag. Sorry, OP.

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