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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this a jealousy red flag?

79 replies

Trololo · 29/09/2013 19:38

Last night my boyfriend of four months was at mine. We were sitting watching tv and my phone beeped. It was a Facebook notification from a guy I went to school with, I don't know him well. It wasn't a private mail, he had commented a status I had put earlier. All very boring so far.

Anyway, I didn't really think much of it. BF was acting a bit quiet and I asked what's wrong, he said he was tired. Half an hour later he asked me if any other guys I had dated before him still text me. I obviously said no because I don't text or mail any other guys in that way iykwim. He then told me he had seen the notification and seen it was a guys name. I explained what it was (fb comment, not a text or pm) and he was fine, apologised for being weird with me and over reacting.

This morning he text me to tell me he wanted to know who this guy was, I told him that it's someone I barely knew and it was a public comment on one of my fb posts and he could read it for himself.

Is it a bit odd to be still questioning me over a ridiculous fb comment even though I explained it wasn't a private message? Also, even if it was a pm or text should I have to explain myself repeatedly to him when it would have been completely innocent anyway?

I really don't want to have to worry about the odd text to old friends. I don't have any male friends I'm in contact with on a regular basis, more a check in occasionally of people I was close to at school/old work places (not any exes) I get why he might ask once but he's still going on about it now.

Aibu or is this a bit of a jealousy red flag?

OP posts:
Original poster
Trololo · 29/09/2013 20:27

Should add that I've told him since then.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 29/09/2013 20:28

Bin him op

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 29/09/2013 20:30

Red flag.

YouTheCat · 29/09/2013 20:30

Give him a few weeks and he'll be asking you to delete blokes from facebook and saying 'well if they aren't really good friends anyway why have them on there?' - seriously he will.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2013 20:32

The worst case scenario with someone who's jealous is that he won't bond properly with your child, as he/she's a reminder of another man having sex with you.

Ezio · 29/09/2013 20:36

Seriously, ditch him, i have blokes on my facebook, and i would not justify why they are there.

InTheRedCorner · 29/09/2013 20:39

Have you spoken to him properly about it all? Maybe he has had a previous relationship where he has been cheated on and is still ABit weary over it.

Sindarella · 29/09/2013 20:43

Run, as far away as possible. Giant red flag.

waltermittymissus · 29/09/2013 21:12

Seriously, get rid.

Original poster
Trololo · 29/09/2013 21:38

I have spoken to him properly about it. I told him he had nothing to worry about and that I don't expect to be questioned about who I'm talk to again. He still asked again though.

OP posts:
Ezio · 29/09/2013 21:51

Hes gonna keep on at you about it, most would have let it go be the first explanation.

ToffeeCaramel · 29/09/2013 21:51

Get rid. Everyone has people of the opposite sex who may sometimes comment on their posts don't they? Confused

Original poster
Trololo · 29/09/2013 21:57

Oh fuck. I don't want to get in too deep and this becomes a major issue/drama. I really liked him aswell!!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 29/09/2013 22:00

I used to have a couple of male friends on facebook who, once they got girlfriends, told me they had been told they had to delete all other females who weren't family. Confused

These relationships never lasted more than a few months.

There is nothing wrong with a very small amount of jealousy in a relationship but your bf has issues. Is he worth working through his problems?

Original poster
Trololo · 29/09/2013 22:05

I think he is actually but this has really put me off. I wouldn't stand for anyone telling me who I can and can't speak to. I really don't want to get too far in and this gets worse.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 29/09/2013 22:07

He needs to realise he has a problem first because if he doesn't he will start making his jealousy out to be your fault.

TheSeaPriestess · 29/09/2013 22:23

I think you need to make it crystal clear to him that you don't expect to be questioned like that if he wants to stay with you. It is a big red flag, so if you don't want to dump him yet tell him in NO uncertain terms that if he starts getting jealous then he is out on his arse.

How many people you have slept with is fuck all to do with him.

Draw him a big line in the sand OP!

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2013 22:25

"He still asked again though."
Definitely bin. It will only get worse.

FreudiansSlipper · 29/09/2013 22:40

if it makes you feel uncomfortable then there is a reason why and listen to that inner voice

Mimishimi · 29/09/2013 23:03

Big red flag waving right in your face. Sorry.

AnandaTimeIn · 29/09/2013 23:13

He's a control freak.

LTB - if you know what is good for you.

If a man gets hung up on a few FB or text messages from another guy who you are just friends with, well.... you know it's not going to get any better any time soon.

Personally, I would run for the hills/dump and move on.

Just think of it as a lucky escape. Cos you deserve better.

Clobbered · 29/09/2013 23:17

Sorry, but questioning you about exDP and how long he stays is bloody weird too. He's a wrong 'un. Chuck him back, quick.

BillyBanter · 29/09/2013 23:20

Bollocks him off. Make it clear it's him not you.

IAmNotAMindReader · 29/09/2013 23:30

Big red flags here run far away or before you know it he'll be needling you for hours over he way you looked at some random guy on the street.

He's questioned you about how long your ex takes at pick up and drop off. Take a second to think about what he's suggesting here. Yes he's wondering if there's been enough time to squeeze in sex there but he's not sure enough of your reactions to voice it.

He's asked about previous partners.

Now he won't let go over a random message notification which is public anyway.
You've told him and he still hasn't accepted your explanation, he believes you are cheating on him with this guy even though he hasn't said it, it keeps rolling round in his head.

Before you know it you will be a slut who sleeps with every man who blinks at you. You have already started explaining your every move and life history to him and eh is getting more and more insecure.

When I was young and naive I had a boyfriend who quizzed me on every relationship I had ever had sexual or not from about the age of 10 up. He then rolled all of these experiences together and decided they had all happened over the 6 months we had been seeing each other and this then justified him cheating.

Run Op run far far away, this will break you.

Original poster
Trololo · 29/09/2013 23:39

He said he asked again because I told him who it was (when asked) but he thought he had seen a different (but similar) name when I picked up my phone. I don't know if that makes it better or worse to be honest. He thought I lied to him so I suppose it makes it worse?

OP posts: