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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my mother?

35 replies

PosyNarker · 28/09/2013 23:35

DP and I have been together for more than 10 years, are getting married etc. He is one of the messiest people I've ever known. I am not naturally tidy. We have a house we've needed to work on over a number of years so there has always been a chaos room or rooms. Currently there is one room (4 bed house) that is full of crap and we're working though it.

I am the main breadwinner, but only by 10k atm. I have the more flexible job, so end up staying home for tradesmen etc., but I also travel 2-3 times a month.

Outside of work, I try to go to the gym 3 times per week. DP goes once, runs once and has a hobby one evening during term time. We have no DC.

My mother keeps banging on about how we could go to the gym / his hobby with:

  • the toilet needing cleaned
  • washing needing done
  • the spare room needing cleared

etc. etc. etc.

The thing is, we bought the house, discovered all kinds of chaos and had to live in a building site for 3 years. After that we still had to prioritise and it wasn't a show home. He works at least 40hrs a week and I'm more like 50-60.

AIBU to think that even if the place isn't pristine, 3 hrs a week at the bloody gym / 1 night doing a hobby isn't unreasonable?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 28/09/2013 23:37

YANBU.
However, there is a lot more spare time than you intimate in your post ... just saying...

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 28/09/2013 23:41

I think that you should be happy in your home what ever that means to you.

I am the most happiest when my home is clean, tidied and organised.

some people find it better when it is messy

YellowDinosaur · 28/09/2013 23:42

It's your house. Even if every room is a shit tip if you and your dp aren't bothered then that's up to you. It is none of your Mum's business

exexpat · 28/09/2013 23:44

You are an adult. The state of your house is your business, not your mother's. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to visit.

aturtlenamedmack · 28/09/2013 23:46

Yanbu - you are adults living in your own home. You get to decide your own priorities.

MortifiedAdams · 28/09/2013 23:46

The state of yout home is of no concern of hers. However, is the state of your house something you talk.to her about? It could be that sje is sick.of listening to you complain about something you dont seem to be changing.

Shellywelly1973 · 28/09/2013 23:47

Its your home not your mother's!

Yanbu...!

KatOD · 28/09/2013 23:50

Your house, your opinion matters. You're grown ups who cares about somebody else's lifestyle. Now we have DD my and my husband's jobs mean we have nowhere near this amount of time, so appreciate what you have and do what you want with it!!

MomentForLife · 28/09/2013 23:57

YANBU. You're the ones who live with it.

Original poster
PosyNarker · 29/09/2013 00:12

Nah, I don't talk about the state of the house to my Mum.

We had a huge amount of work needing done on the house and that took a long time because it wasn't known before we bought (despite full survey).

Tbh I am desperate to employ a cleaner, but need the chaos room and stairwell complete before we can do this reasonably.

DamnBamboo You're right, there is more time but I'm talking an average week. What I've not mentioned is this is an average week. In the last month, I've had two car breakdowns and two boiler breakdowns.

DM thinks I ought not to do anything if there's DIY or clearing needing done (but the shouts and balls if the place is untidy and DP isn't here). Their house is lovely, but they have nothing outside it (whenever DF finds something, DM finds him a job). DP really needs to be less untidy and more aware of jobs, but it's like a blind spot with him - he could walk over a heap of scrap paper on the floor and wouldn't pick it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
PosyNarker · 29/09/2013 00:14

Some strange grammar going on there, but hopefully still makes sense!

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 29/09/2013 00:17

I do agree with you mother ( that is my problem) why waste time in the gym when there is work to do at home.

Housework is a good form of exercise.

Littleen · 29/09/2013 00:20

Mums eh! it's none of their business, but they like having opinions! I am really creative, which unfortunately leads to a home full of artsy bits, books, pencils, well.. I just explode sometimes, and normally have a frenzy tidy once a week. My mum hates it, but she can stay out if she don't like it!

FishfingersAreOK · 29/09/2013 00:23

Employ the cleaner - just get them to not clean the room you want to "finish". But only if this is something you want for you/your life, not to please your mother.

Why does it matter what state the chaos room/stairwell are in if you are employing someone to help get things in order and stay in order. They are there to do a job not to judge you. If you feel the need to explain or justify just say on the cleaner's first visit - we have been very busy and there are not enough hours in the day - so I am pleased we have found you to help"

Just do it Grin. But not if it is to shut your mother up.

Original poster
PosyNarker · 29/09/2013 00:27

Forty I can see her point to certain extent, BUT she has osteoporosis and needs to do some formal exercise. She isn't doing it, but claiming she 'keeps active' and it's not working.

Also, when you have house needing rebuilding over years (money) you have to live in the interim.

I'd disagree that time spent in the gym is wasted btw. I am overweight and of the same genetic stock. I don't want to be the overweight 60-something with osteoporosis, which is why I'm trying to sort it now. Housework might keep you thin (if you do a shedload) but modern housework (not childcare btw, in case anyone runs after multiple toddlers!) does not keep you fit.

OP posts:
Original poster
PosyNarker · 29/09/2013 00:29

Very good point Fishfingers - just need to convince other half. cleaners without judgeypants, that's what I need. Or cleaners with judgeypants but who are very very quiet.

OP posts:
coralanne · 29/09/2013 00:30

Totally disagree with your DM.

My best friend is exactly the same way. Her DD is married and they both work really hard as Head Teachers, spending extra hours at work every day and working at home.

Friend is always complaining about her DD's DH going to the gym, playing football (once a week) instead of weeding the garden, painting the bedroom. I've warned her about actually voicing her opinion to the couple involved and so far she hasn't.

I find myself constantly defending someone elses son in law.

Friend can't understand that people need a release from work that doesn't involve home maintenance. It's called personal time.

Take me for instance. I work 4 days a week . Leave home at 8am and most days don't arrive back before 7 pm.

The three days I am at home I am going to do what I want. Yes the house work gets done (vaguely) but if I want to go out, read a book, make a quilt, I will .

coralanne · 29/09/2013 00:33

I also go to the gym and swim twice a week.

Original poster
PosyNarker · 29/09/2013 00:35

I think that's it coralanne

DM had far lower working hours than me and DF worked away on a x weeks away, y weeks home pattern. They genuinely don't know what it's like to leave the house a 0730 and return at 1900, or if earlier, fire up the laptop at night.

YY about needing a release.

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 29/09/2013 00:36

I'd disagree that time spent in the gym is wasted btw

So to you it is not wasted time, life is too short to waste time.

Lazysuzanne · 29/09/2013 01:37

I dont think it even matters if you are being 'unreasonable' you dont have to justify yourself to other people, be as outrageous and unreasonable as you like in the way you run your domestic affairs, none anyone elses business!

Fwiw I always prioritize going to the gym over just about everything else, except perhaps getting enough sleep.

If someone started 'banging on' about how I chose to spend my time I think I'd just laugh at them.

ZingWantsCake · 29/09/2013 02:02

YANBU

I dare you to grin and say to her "well, Mother, my house - my rules!"

Grin
DropYourSword · 29/09/2013 08:06

I can't understand why it's got ANYTHING to do with her?!

Retroformica · 29/09/2013 08:37

So your mum wants you to work non stop (job/house) and not look after your health by exercising?

Tell her about work life/balance. Tell her exercising is essential for fitness and health.

My mum has a tidy house but is so dreadfully unfit it's quite scary. I think it could cause real issues in the future

Retroformica · 29/09/2013 08:41

Housework and childcare may be a very low level if exercise but in no way does it compare to running 10 miles.