Or is my mother?

[PosyNarker]

DP and I have been together for more than 10 years, are getting married etc. He is one of the messiest people I've ever known. I am not naturally tidy. We have a house we've needed to work on over a number of years so there has always been a chaos room or rooms. Currently there is one room (4 bed house) that is full of crap and we're working though it.

I am the main breadwinner, but only by 10k atm. I have the more flexible job, so end up staying home for tradesmen etc., but I also travel 2-3 times a month.

Outside of work, I try to go to the gym 3 times per week. DP goes once, runs once and has a hobby one evening during term time. We have no DC.

My mother keeps banging on about how we could go to the gym / his hobby with:

• the toilet needing cleaned
• washing needing done
• the spare room needing cleared

etc. etc. etc.

The thing is, we bought the house, discovered all kinds of chaos and had to live in a building site for 3 years. After that we still had to prioritise and it wasn't a show home. He works at least 40hrs a week and I'm more like 50-60.

AIBU to think that even if the place isn't pristine, 3 hrs a week at the bloody gym / 1 night doing a hobby isn't unreasonable?

Agree with Drop - this has nothing to do with your mother, unless you are constantly moaning to her about the state of the house and she is trying to give you helpful advice (but from what you are saying you are not) - what sort of conversations are you having where the subject even comes up?

My parents have some bizarre hobbies (in my opinion) but I don't comment .

I'm a SAHM with (allegedly) loads of time and should be able to live in a show home, according to MIL.

DH fully supports our slightly untidy living state. It's a house we're happy to have our friends drop by not MIL obviously and is only an hour away from her visits and about 2 hours from having viewers come by (not that we'll EVER sell it seems).

Live how you want. Do what you like. I left dishes on the table last night so I could crochet and watch Strictly. I left the crochet dumped on the sofa. Yet the sun came up and the world didn't end because I left a little chaos in my wake.

YANBU. Tell her to go have an opinion about something that matters and leave you be.

Ragwort The subject comes up the minute she comes in the door & starts tutting and shaking her head. This tends to progress to muttering 'dirty', 'filthy' or occasionally 'pigs'.

I must confess she has a show home, is not fit (to the extent that I am concerned as she is starting to show signs of slowing down).

Incidentally for the super-tidy on here, my house is clean. You won't stick to my floor, get a dirty cup or look askance at the toilet It's just untidy, has an unfinished room and occasionally needs dusting.

My MIL probably thinks the same, but tends to keep her mouth shut except when acknowledging that DP is messy as hell and she wishes she'd dealt with it when he was younger

I think if anyone was as rude to me as that - muttering 'pigs' etc - I would be suggesting, very strongly, that they might prefer not to set foot in my house again until they could behave like a normal, civilised person and be polite. Even if they were my mother.

Oh believe me expat I challenge as soon as it's audible. I always ask my dad to make sure she's not going to do it pre-visit if we know it's happening and can't prepare (e.g. have a bloody floor up).

She doesn't get how offensive it is. Genuinely doesn't. But as close as I am to my mum (and I really am) she utterly lacks any kind of tact. I spent age 12 onwards thinking I was fat (occasionally I was on the chubby side, mainly due to growth then the 1st year 10lbs etc) and she made it a big deal. Never got how, 'you have chunky thighs' might offend a teenager. I had bulimic issues (prob not full on bulimia, but I definitely had disordered eating) and I still couldn't get her to stop banging on about my weight. I didn't realise I'd been thin at 27 until I was 31 and 2 stone heavier (partly due to ill health and oddly, that's okay with DM...)

The problem is, DF and I can deal with her - it's how she is. DP struggles and some of her criticism of him is entirely relevant, but it's not the best vehicle for change. Plus I've always said I agree he's a minger and we ought to get a cleaner when final room is done

Brave lady ,your Mother!!!I wouldn't dare comment on my adult children's lifestyle choices.Why is she moseying about your house?

This is really sad. That feeling you get of disapproval from your mother is the worst kind. It sounds as though you have had that all your life and you have been doubting yourself because of it.

You can guess from the reaction on here that her behaviour is not normal, it's not how you behave towards your loved ones, it's not helpful nor friendly.

However it is damaging, depressing, rude, aggressive and unacceptable. I hope you can rise above it and respond with dignity. Many wouldn't.

Not sure moononastick. She's really old fashioned in some ways which is why I mentioned the breadwinner thing. Her view is that the house is my responsibility, but that I should somehow be able to 'order' DP to do it...

She definitely has a view that a less than perfect house reflects more on me than DP. Seeing as most of our visitors are in DP's family (I have a complex, international and generally unpleasant family) I really don't give a flying fuck if they think I'm a dirty bitch because DP has a study that looks more like a newspaper office. Maybe I am shirking my feminine responsibilities ;-)

Thanks passedgo

I think I suspected for years my mother's response was less than normal. She constantly belittles DP to me and while some of it is valid, it doesn't bloody help. DP is task focussed and untidy (he's not aspergers, but there's a whole continuum right there and he is far to the geeky / untidy side).

DM is determined he has aspergers. She should know better, because she has taught several people with aspergers.

I'm not sure I respond with dignity. We've had to get a leak tracing company in because we have a problem with our central heating. I told DM because DF had otherwise offered to come up and try to do some manual leak tracing (he has the skills, but not the kit) if we were stuck. Anyway, she immediately said I must be mortified at letting the plumber in (not sure why, this is not a small town). I did ask if we were supposed to sit in the cold until the house was deemed acceptable to the plumber's mate....

Just ignore it all.I also do the plumber thing and would not think of going to bed without everything ship-shape in case someone snuffs it at night and the Dr. sees a mess!!!We are just an older bullied generation..very silly I know.
The bad thing is that all her criticism makes you feel so inadequate in your own home.(sneaky hugs from a stranger)