My friends think I'm BU in asking them to change our restaurant plans for my DD

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

Last week my 4 friends and I arranged to go out for dinner tonight. Not for anything special, just because we haven't see each other in ages and fancied a catch up.

I told them that i wouldn't be able to get a babysitter and they said that they expected and wanted me to bring 5yo dd along as they were missing her too.

Anyway, we emailed each other links to various local restaurants so we could check out prices and menus. We all agreed on an Italian place.

So i printed off the menu a few days ago and have been going over it with dd. I've let her pick her meal in advance and we've 'practiced' how to behave in the restaurant and I've shown her pictures of it online. We've also discussed things she can do while waiting for the food being served such as taking a colouring book or reading book. She's been to restaurants before and loves doing her little script of saying hello and ordering from the waiter/waitress. But because this is a new place, i wanted her to be prepared to prevent her getting too anxious.

Anyway, all was going well until this morning when i awoke to another group email. One of my friends have said that she was at an Italian restaurant last night with her parents and can't really face another Italian meal. Another friend chipped in with 'Yeah, i feel the same. TBH i'm not really into pizza and pasta anyway. How about a Chinese place?'

So then a dozen other emails followed containing various links for local Chinese places. By the time i'd managed to compose a polite email, everyone was pretty much set on a certain Chinese place.

I'd had a look on the website, and tbh there's nothing there that dd would eat. She doesn't like things with batter, not much of a meat eater, doesn't like spicy things, doesn't like chips, doesn't like rice, noodles or curries etc. And I'm not really keen on anything there either, but would have put up with it if dd wasn't involved too.

Anyway, i sent them a message explaining that i felt it was a bit short notice to be changing plans. DD was already prepared for the Italian place, had selected her meal, had been going on about it for days, had already seen all the pictures of the restaurant's interior. And that she wouldn't eat anything from there anyway.

They came back with the following responses:

"Feed her before she comes then just get her an ice cream or something while we're all eating."

My response to this: "But she was really looking forward to eating out with us, and tbh i don't think i can make ice cream last 2 hours."

"If she gets a bit antsy, we don't mind."

"It's not just a case of her getting 'antsy', it's the fact I'm going to be changing her plans with only a half day's notice, and all that preparation I'd done last week was for nothing. She will be incredibly anxious and upset for the whole meal."

"Bring her a toy to stop her getting bored."

"She can't play with toys alone. And she's already picked a colouring book to bring, but I don't think that will keep her calm and amused for 2 hours."

"Fine. We'll just go the Italian place."

This is then followed by a few 'pffffts' and eye roll smilies.

I feel horrid and guilty. Tbh i want to send them an email just saying that I'd rather they all went to their Chinese place and we could rearrange a group meal for another time. but if i do, it'll just be met with passive aggressive. "Don't be silly, we wouldn't dream of it' etc etc.

I actually don't want to go at all now. Or I'd rather just me and dd head out for a meal. if i do go, the whole atmosphere will be off and it will be like i dragged them all along. And when it comes to ordering, they will probably huff and puff about it because they've openly said they don't want to eat anything from there.

I genuinely don't know who's being unreasonable here. the fact I'm feeling so guilty about it makes me think that I'm the one in the wrong, but then again i feel guilty about everything.

Very good message OP, hope you and your DD have a lovely evening.

Sorry, i know the practicing thing may sound a little strange, but it's actually really effective. Role-playing is another term for it. Whenever a new situation/event is coming up, we 'rehearse' it at home.

E.g. the week before she started after school club, we spent 15 mins each day pretending and walking through what would happen, so i could see which parts she'd struggle with and i could talk through with her. I'd pretend to be the ASC staff member who comes to collect her from school and walk her to the club round the corner. then i'd pretend to be a child there at ASC and interact with her, giving her ideas for conversation starters. Then we'd rehearse snack time. And the ASC gave me photographs of all the staff members and allowed dd to visit with me the week before as well.

As a result, she has settled into the club amazingly well. She loves it in fact. but if i had just thrown her in at the deep end, she would have spent her first few weeks there sitting in a corner, flapping, staring and not speaking to anyone. I have already made this mistake when i registered her for Rainbows 8 months ago.

And i am slowly building up to preparing her for spontaneity. But i am starting with small things, things that don't really matter to her. E.g. telling her i've ran out of strawberries when she asks for them, and getting her to compromise on apples instead. The restaurant thing is too big an event right now to compromise on. But if i keep on building up to it, hopefully in the near future, she will be able to adjust to a new plan quite quickly.

You sound like a thoughtful friend and mum, OP.

Hope you have a lovely evening and more to follow.

You sound like you are doing a good job OP.

Nobodies really done anything wrong here, it just went a bit awry and could have been handled a bit better by everyone with slightly better communications and a bit of understanding from all sides.

No one can really understand what it's like to be in someone else's shoes so being explicit about the autism situation is important and allowing that sometimes plans won't match up.

Human relations seem to be fraught with good intentions and not so good execution. Then everyone feels a bit hard done by.

I think that email sounds good, but I think you should follow it up in the next few days with some dates when you're free so people can put it in their diaries. That way it'll be obvious you actually meant that email and it wasn't that you were trying to make a point or be passive aggressive if you see what I mean. Maybe even do a home cooked Chinese to get DD used to it in a comfortable environment, as this would show your friends how hard you have to try and get her prepared. You could obviously make DD something she likes and then she can taste bits of your food if she feels like it.

Obviously you shouldn't need to do that but if they can see you doing all that it might make them think a bit about how you have to prepare her.

This thread is a classic example of people not reading before wading in with their opinions. "I haven't read the whole thread yet but"...... Ok, so read the whole thread and then come back with your opinion. At the very least read the ops posts. Jeeze. For anyone who doesn't know you can get all the ops posts highlighted in a different colour so they show up, just go to your settings.

Also there is often too much willingness (encouraged by the nature of anonymous forums) to see malicious intent in others where it isn't really. They're just muddling through trying to make sense of it like we all are.

group hug?

I think you've been great, OP. I hope your friends all understand.

"Likes" BillyBanter's post.

Oh don't bloody shout at the poor woman for drip feeding.

She said that she thought she mentioned it in the original post.

Her second post mentioning the autism was posted 7 minutes after the first. So it is hardly the worst case of drip feeding the world has ever seen.

Be a bit more supportive rather than pouncing on her for that minor transgression.

OP yanbu. I have no experience with autism and don't know anyone with it, but I would be more than happy to accommodate your wishes. It would be a miserable experience for everyone if your daughter fretted all evening. She is looking forward to the Italian, it's hardly a hardship to have that opposed to Chinese.

I would though say thanks very much to your friends for agreeing (albeit in an eye rolling way) and just say again that autism means last minute changes cause havoc.

X posts with your email to your mates, that's a great response.

You sound like you're doing a great job and I think your friends may realise that it's not so easy based on your email!

I get the amount of prep but it's probably counterproductive. She doesn't need to choose her food see the interior go over every minute detail; what if something's not on the menu? Or they've moved the tables round?
And tbh if she needs hat much prep how much fun is it for you to go out with your friends and why haven't they noticed this before?

Yanbu. They change their plans on a whim not for any real reason and you have a real reason to want the plans to stay the same. As your friends they should care about your opinion just as much. They seem quite rude to you just for stating your opinion. It's not like your asking them to go to a kids restaurant or work entirely around dd just to stick to the plan they arranged!

nerfmother the op knows her autistic daughter better than you do. sounds like shes doing a good job to me.

Wow Nerf, I'm surprised to have that sort of comment from you, especially as I've often thought of you as someone that knows their way around the SN minefield.

And how often does your bog standard Italian restaurant change its menu?

OMG people need to rtft.

OP - I think you've handled it very well - both your inconsiderate friends and some of the posters on this thread

I was going to say does your little girl have special needs? Not in a nasty way but my five year old niece doesn't need this sort of preparation for things, neither does my two year old son? I'm quite fussy to the extent I need to check the menus first for both me and my son but there is usually at least one thing we will both eat!

Is there really no one at all that can have her for a couple of hours so that you can go alone? I wouldn't think a five year old would have very much fun at an adult catch up meal, would be different if she was a teenager/pre teen who could actually join in the conversation

Outnumbered if you read the OP's posts you'd see she does.

I think you have been very gracious OP. I probably would have snarled 'piss off' to some people on this thread ages ago.

Sorry I've just seen that she is autistic, comments wouldn't load on my kindle earlier! If so then you aren't being unreasonable! I only know autistic adults not children but they need to be prepared for new situations like this.

Joins LeGav in the bad mood corner.

I did laugh at the waspish comment 'Italian people manage to have Italian food two days in a row'

You just say that at such short notice the Chinese isn't accessible to your dd and you won't be able to come on this occasion. However you hope there will be another, and should they chose the Chinese again, as long as there is enough notice you will do the preparation necessary to ensure she can cope.