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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering not taking oh to hospital in labour?

35 replies

3boys3dogshelp · 28/09/2013 08:11

I'm pregnant with our third (planned) dc and my oh seems to have had a personality transplant!! He is a great dad, very hands-on with our kids, so much so that friends comment on it. But since I have been pregnant this time I just feel really lonely and unsupported. When I was approx 28 weeks I was advised at mw check to go straight to hospital with suspected preterm labour. I phoned to tell him and he said he was busy at work but to give him a call once they had triaged me and he would see if he could get away. So I had to arrange childcare for my other 2 (which involved driving them 15 mins away) and drive myself to hospital. When I got there ivwas under the impression someone at work had told him off and sent him because he turned up not long after me.
We had a chat at the time, he apologised for putting work first and I thought we were ok.
Now 38 weeks I told him yesterday first thing I didn't feel right, had 3 hours of strong but irregular contractions home alone with our dc. They were starting to come every 6 mins so I phoned him at work and asked him to come home. He commutes 45 mins to work, hospital is 25 mins from here, my last labour was only just over an hour so I was starting to worry. He told me he would have to work another hour as he couldn't let his boss down, he'd been up all night with a cough and was tired!!!
When he did eventually get home I'd fed kids, bathed them and got them in bed, got family over to babysit and we left for hospital I lost it a bit and told him to get his priorities straight. He told me to 'fuck off-you haven't had the baby so I was right not to come'. Then we sat in silence for the rest of the journey. Not surprised my contractions disappeared after all the stress but I am in early labour. Considering leaving him at home and taking my mum but it is his baby too and he says he wants to be there. - aibu? Sorry for essay.

OP posts:
TheOrcHeadKeeper · 28/09/2013 08:14
Shock

Is he for real?

God, that must be awful to feel so unsupported Thanks

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 28/09/2013 08:15

I'd leave him at home to be honest. I'd murder him during labour otherwise if it was me for being such a dick.

TiredDog · 28/09/2013 08:16

I think you should take your mother tbh because you don't need the stress in labour

LittleBearPad · 28/09/2013 08:16

It sounds as though he is very stressed and hiding in work. How are things financially?

He's being crap (completely crap) but maybe he's panicking and this is why he wanted to stay at work especially if he's going to be on pat leave soon.

Take him - I think you'll regret if you don't but he needs to be there properly for you. It's going to get hectic in the next few weeks.

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 28/09/2013 08:17

No, he doesn't deserve to be there.

If he can't support you during scares in the pregnancy then how can you be certain he won't do the same to you during labour?

SilverApples · 28/09/2013 08:18

He's being an inconsiderate pig, just because everything has been fine in the past doesn't mean he should relax and lose sight of what's important.
Who will be looking after your two when you go to hospital to have the baby?
The person 15 minutes away?
I'd tell him that you are going to have your mum as first choice, you'll tell him and he can turn up if he has the time. Angry
But you need someone you can rely on completely, and at the moment it isn't him and you are cross and sad about having to make that choice. I'd tell him that too.

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 28/09/2013 08:18

^ I wouldn't take him unless he promised to sort it out for the duration of the labour, seeing as you really need the support and any extra stress is horrible.

Beastofburden · 28/09/2013 08:18

Something wrong at work? If he carries on being a dick when the baby comes, you will have to find out.

Is he feeling overwhelmed by responsibility of three kids and a long commute with a tricky job? Perhaps he needs to do s etching to reduce is stress levels.

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 28/09/2013 08:18

God how awful Hmm

Hugs to you

humphryscorner · 28/09/2013 08:20

Take your mother. My dh gets obsessed with workat inappropriate times and it drove me mad.

For your own safety and peace of take mum Flowers

Good luck x

DameDeepRedBetty · 28/09/2013 08:20

all I can think of is that your previous labours were (to him) such quick and easy affairs that he has no idea how important this is. Maybe familiarity is breeding contempt?

FWIW I had my mum not my partner. She was brilliant, and as an experienced birth-giver was far more able to tell the panicking registrar who was obsessed with going to a c-section at any complication to go and get the consultant first. I've always thought DP would have given in.

sleeplessbunny · 28/09/2013 08:24

wow, what a dick. you hardly need that right now. Whatever his reasons, that behaviour is totally unhelpful and I don't think now is the right time to cut him slack at your own expense. If you want your mum there instead, just organise it and tell him how it is. And why. He will have to deal with it, what you need is way more important now.

Original poster
3boys3dogshelp · 28/09/2013 08:24

Baby planned, money ok and not affected by leaving an hour early!! He is stressed about people at work thinking he is not committed to his job if he 'keeps leaving early'. He has had 1 sick day in over 2 years, I changed my scans so they were when he was off and this is literally the only 2 times I have asked him to come out of work for me since he worked there. I have been having loads of bh but I waited hours to phone him and haven't asked before.
We've barely spoken but he has got up with the kids and is now doing laundry so maybe he is feeling guilty??

OP posts:
Threalamandaclarke · 28/09/2013 08:24

II would Kill him leave him out of it entirely. plan with someone else.
Hopefully you can go into labour when he's at work and get someone to txt him the next day.
But I doubt this is a mature response.
Thanks
You need one of those no nonsense MN-ears. I expect one will be along in a minute. Brew Cake

Twattybollocks · 28/09/2013 08:24

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you tore a strip off him for not being there yesterday, and he reacted angrily to that (probably being defensive because he knew he was in the wrong) . You were understandably upset and stressed and his boss may have been giving him grief too about it (in the opposite direction. I would try and forgive his cock up, being angry and upset at him won't help you at this point, you need to be as stress free as possible. I would apologise for losing it (although make sure he understands that you were within your rights to be upset in the circumstances) and he will likely apologise for his comment and not being there and all will be well again.

BillyBanter · 28/09/2013 08:25

I wonder if there is some problem at work that he's tried not to burden you with and this is backfiring as the stress of it is affecting his mood but you're in the dark. A bullying boss. Risk of redundancy. That sort of thing.

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 28/09/2013 08:26

Surely he should be worried about how it's affecting you though OP. His job may be important but to put it over your health/wellbeing is inexcusably shit to be honest.

SweetBabyCheeses · 28/09/2013 08:26

Take the decision out of his hands, either he supports you or your Mum goes with you. End of! This is not a situation where you can have someone who is flippant, flaky or has other priorities. It would probably be beneficial to have your Mum on stand by incase he doesn't see the point in coming home when the real thing kicks off.

Good luck!

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 28/09/2013 08:26

Take your mum.

SweetBabyCheeses · 28/09/2013 08:30

Oh and I had to have this conversastion with DH when he was making "hilarious" comments about a mans place being in the waiting room handing out cigars while I would be in labour. I told him he wasn't coming at all. It gave him a bit of a shock and he shut up and copped on. He was fab when I gave birth.

SnozzleWobbleson · 28/09/2013 08:31

Talk to him.

Tell him that you NEED him to be there for you when you go into labour - and if he isn't going to be then you will have to make other arrangements.

I know I know you shouldn't have to spell it out to him, he is behaving very poorly IMO.

Stress is something you definitely don't need, I hope you can sort it out with him. Good luck

Original poster
3boys3dogshelp · 28/09/2013 08:32

We work in the same profession when I'm not massively pregnant, I know his work and colleagues really well, one of his bosses is one of our best friends and I saw them last week. They were going on about how well he is doing, how the company wouldn't manage without him etc. There is nothing at work to make him act like this I am 100% on that, apart from pressure he puts on himself.
All I said was that I thought he needed to sort his priorities out, that's it word for word, no ranting and raving.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 28/09/2013 08:34

Well, if you have quick labours its only an hour not jealous at all oh no so I would focus on making sure he is prepared to help when baby comes. Plan to have your mum, tell him he's invited too, but so is she, in case he doesn't make it in time.

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 28/09/2013 08:35

I'd also say I was having my mum come too, as he's not likely to get there in time if he's so blase' about it.

diddl · 28/09/2013 08:42

He sounds awful-but at the end of the day-do you want him there?

If so, don't take your mum to spite him.

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