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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want information, not fucking counselling.

32 replies

SolidGoldBrass · 28/09/2013 02:48

And apparently it's a legal requirement that I have counselling before I get the information? WTF? I am a grown up and I do not want to have to sit in front of some tissue-wielding muppet for hours who might refuse to give me the information anyway.

Yes it's late at night and I am feeling grumpy and thwarted, because I decided I would go and have a look for the info and the internet won't give it to me.

It's adoption record tracing. Anyone know any back-doors or dubious sites that will just hand over the info?

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 28/09/2013 03:02

I think you've got the wrong idea about counseling! If will not be a tissue wielding exercise, but just a way of ensuring you having coping strategies in place if you don't find out what you want etc. Just because you feel able to deal with whatever information you're looking for, doesn't mean other people would be able to and if there was an easy "back door" way them people who couldn't deal with it would still be tempted.

Just go to a session and if it's clear you're making an informed decision and you've considered the impact of whatever you're trying to find out then I'm sure they'll then help you to proceed.

Original poster
SolidGoldBrass · 28/09/2013 03:10

Hmm. But it's going to be the luck of the draw whether I get a sensible one, a jobsworth, or a nut, isn't it? I have no idea what the correct sob story or woo-peddling crap would be to get the boxes ticked - I'm just nosy.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/09/2013 03:14

Could you stomach it more if you thought that it's there for people who maybe aren't as bolshy strong as you are?

After so many years of denying people the right to the information, it's good 'they' are actually caring for them now, even if it does come across as nannying.

They just want to check you're OK, especially with something that might provoke emotions that have been kept under a tight wrap for years on end.

The alternative of letting such emotive information loose on an unsuspecting person who doesn't have the tools to deal with it is much worse.

DropYourSword · 28/09/2013 03:22

Just tell them that then! Is it's information you are actually entitled to, then there shouldn't be a problem! I wouldn't bother making up sob stories and woo crap!

MrsKoala · 28/09/2013 03:24

As far as i know (have friends who do this type of counselling and am training to be a counsellor) they aren't looking for sob/woo reasons. They have a duty of care to ensure you aren't unstable - just in case this info would make an impact negatively on your life. They will probably ask very basic questions like why you want the info? etc. Just be honest and say curiosity, if that's what it is. I'm sure they must have working bullshit radars like everyone else.

MidniteScribbler · 28/09/2013 03:55

Or is it that you're really not entitled to this information anyway, since you say you're just being nosy, and don't like that you might actually have to justify yourself?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/09/2013 03:56

Don't make any shit up. I worked for SS and all they want to know is that people have done some thinking about it and aren't going to sue dissolve and not cope.

Lavenderhoney · 28/09/2013 04:45

My dm had counselling before being given info. A lady came and checked her passport and birth cert, asked my dm questions then gave her the info.

She has since found she has a half brother but won't tell me anything about him ( he is quite normal with a family) as its too late.
I looked on searchline, but they appear to be shut down now???

I have found something else, from my dm. The family that adopted her chucked her out when the dm died. Put her in a children's home. They never wanted her anyway and also took her dog away as no pets in the home. She was 13. I can see them on a family history site. She was part of their lives as adopted as a new born, the dm died and she was straight out. No mention of my dm:(

themaltesefalcon · 28/09/2013 04:51

That would wind me up too, OP.

What a waste of your time and everyone's money.

christinarossetti · 28/09/2013 04:57

Sounds like your inaccurate perception of counselling isn't helping you.

Lifeisontheup · 28/09/2013 06:29

My DH was told this, it's something to do with being adopted before 1970 something. He was 18 when he tried and was so put off he's never tried again.
He keeps thinking of it but never gets round to it. He was very happy with his family though and they always encouraged him to look if he wanted to and gave him all the information they had but he still worried about hurting them.

CloudyBayDrainageSystem · 28/09/2013 06:50

I was so hopping mad at thought of being patronised by some lentil weaving jobsworth that I told them where to go when first told that I had to do this.

When I did finally book and go I was asked a couple of pretty straightforward qns (why are you doing this? Do you know that it can be upsetting? Do you know that some mothers might not want to connect with you?). That was it. Then she gave me my file and talked me through it.

FruOla · 28/09/2013 07:56

Do they have the right to withhold information?

I had to do this before I got a copy of my file. But I already had a fair amount of information from my adoptive mother, so the counsellor was just filling in the gaps. She was a rather nice woman and I didn't feel patronised at all.

littlewhitebag · 28/09/2013 07:58

I did a search for adoption information for a woman when i was a SW student. The entire experience has never left me. I had to talk to her first to find out where she was with her life, why she wanted the information now and what she would do or feel if things weren't quite what she expected.

I found the files and found a heartbreaking story, i gave her the information she wanted then searched for her mother as requested. i found her mother very easily and made a tentative approach. She wanted to know nothing about her daughter and made it clear she never, ever wanted to meet her in the future.

When i told the woman it was heartbreaking but luckily she had wonderful adoptive parents and was engaged to be married.

You may just be nosy but the people you are requesting the information from don't know that. They have to make sure you can cope with what you find out. They can also provide support afterwards if needed.

EmmaBemma · 28/09/2013 08:20

I had to have counselling before becoming an egg donor. It wasn't at all emotional, it really was just to check I'd considered all the possible future implications. Not at all weepy.

QueFonda · 28/09/2013 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudiansSlipper · 28/09/2013 08:44

having seen what it does to a person who is not prepared (and to some extent experienced it myself) I fully understand why this is a requirement

But this is somethng to discuss with your counllor why you feel this way it is likely to unravel other feelings we tissue-wielding muppets are used to having clients project anger and resentment towards us

I agree you should have that right but they are not just protecting you they have to consider your birth parents too

sorry to sound patronising promise I am not doing a head tilt

glamourousgranny42 · 28/09/2013 09:12

In my experience there are lots of things that might come out of adoption records that could be upsetting snd might need some suport. The birth might be the product of rape or incest. Payment could have been made. Some people discover their birthday is actually wrong. I know someone's birth mother wanted to keep the baby but because she was young her parents forced the adoption. All these things might affect the way you feel about your situation. Hopefully it will be straightforward and you find the answers you want.

Original poster
SolidGoldBrass · 28/09/2013 10:11

Thanks all; hopefully it will be fairly straightforward. I think it irritates me more simply because it's due to an arbitrary date (yes, I was adopted before 1975) that I can't just look up the info.

I'm perfectly prepared for the other side to refuse all contact - as I have never known them, it won't make much of a difference to my perfectly pleasant life if that is how they feel.

OP posts:
FruOla · 28/09/2013 10:17

I was adopted before 1975 too. I've just remembered that my counsellor was very helpful with practical information, like which organisations to contact if I wanted to start to try to trace my birth parents.

FavoriteThings · 28/09/2013 10:19

I have had a little experience of this, but from watching a younger person who was in his teens go through this sort of thing. It sounds to me, could be wrong, that it is a blanket sort of thing that covers all people of all ages, from all backgrounds and with all emotions. I would think and hope that the counsellor would very much take that into consideration. I wouldnt take whatever happens personally, and I couldnt see why they wouldnt hand things over.

quoteunquote · 28/09/2013 10:20

OP, I'm with you, It should be offered as an option but not enforced,

Various people I know, found it rude, "slightly humiliating", my very dear friend, said she wanted to scream"Do fuck off, I'm a grown up, I know how to access what support I need",

It (the information)belongs to you, and should be handed over without comment.

Give them some feed back, if everyone does they may adjust how they tackle it.

Blissx · 28/09/2013 10:20

Judging by your original post, I think it would be a very good idea to talk to someone who can explain the process to you, talk you through different scenarios so you can make an informed decision, which is what will happen - it isn't psychotherapy, it is the first step to tracing records. Tracing birth parents and birth families is not usually as straightforward as just handing over paperwork. Not least because there are people involved, feelings and history. I hope you have had a good sleep and feel differently this morning. I am also adopted and my mother, when she was alive, worked for the Post Adoption Centre and was one of the people who 'counselled' adult adoptees. It is a process to try and limit hurt. I really hope things work out for you. I know first hand that it can also not work out well.

FavoriteThings · 28/09/2013 10:23

From what little I know and have seen, it is never 100% straightforward. And emotions become involved all round and run high.

AmberLeaf · 28/09/2013 10:24

Could you stomach it more if you thought that it's there for people who maybe aren't as bolshy strong as you are?

I was going to say similar, think of it as for those who aren't as savvy as you? they are covering all bases.

I can imagine it is frustrating to have to hoop jump just to access info though.

Hope you manage to get it sorted.