To be mad at DH for spoiling the evening?

[TeaJunky]

It's been a long week for both of us. Long hours at work for him and me at home with dd1 (4) and dd2 (10 months).

DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there.

DH arrives home and we are all ready, we get to the restaurant in good spirits and DH comments on how we're going to have a nice fun evening after a long hard week. We eat and enjoy the meal. Then we walk into the shopping mall and i tell DH I'd like to do the exchange now to which he agrees.

We go to the shop and I start to look for some clothes I can exchange with and DH starts to look antsy but he's ok. I continue looking, and ask his opinion on a couple of outfits to which he gives helpful answers. I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done, and he gets really annoyed. He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. Then he sat there with a face on while I looked (for the whole of 2 minutes), and waited outside with dd1 while I did the exchange.

When I came out I was annoyed and he was in a big huff and we argued

I'm really upset at how impatient he was being. I'd only been in the shop for a maximum of 20 minutes. I'm the one who usually does all the shopping and clothes buying and so what if he had to 'waste' 20 minutes of his precious time while I BOUGHT CLOTHES FOR OUR CHILD.

He said I always try to dominate every situation and that I ruined the plans, and we were supposed to be having family fun time. I asked him what plans and he said 'what's the fucking point in asking now'.

We drove home in silence (with dd1 chattering away to herself in the back) and have both come to bed without talking.

[AgentZigzag]

The OP's said she did pick up on him communicating how he felt Canthisone, but she chose to ignore it.

Money doesn't matter when it's about spending time with your family.

It might not be a big deal to you, but I'd fall over in a faint recognise DH 'taking us out' for a bite to eat as really thoughtful, just for the acknowledgement that it'd been a shitty week and we needed a treat together if nothing else.

Maybe he should have fucked off to the pub on his own instead of demeaning them by only going for a Chinese buffet?

[AgentZigzag]

That sounds more harsh than I feel, it's the point I'm arguing rather than meaning it personally against you OP, who I'm sure is bloody lovely

[Toadinthehole]

YABU. It sounds to me like you've done this before. It also sounds like he's told you he doesn't like it and you've ignored him. Pretty insensitive I think - given that you were going out for a family treat.

It also sounds as if you didn't give him the choice but to wait with you while you faffed aroundd for 20 minutes. "Helpful suggestions"? How generous of you. But why does it sound to me like encouragement to him to grow into a role you expect of him - as one might a child? For pete's sake, let him browse the shopping mall and leave you to take your sweet time if you must!

Of course he shouldn't have blown up, but I don't blame him for doing so.

[MidniteScribbler]

Except scribbler that that scenario doesn't really benefit anyone else in the family. But a trip to a typically "male" store can benefit the rest of the family.

Spending time together as a family benefits the family. Spending the "night off" shopping for baby clothes (who don't particularly care what they wear anyway) is not a family bonding experience.

[themaltesefalcon]

I'm with your husband. Why on earth would you have to do that exchange on a Friday night following a family meal, when you're all presumably full and a bit sleepy? Twenty minutes is a hell of a long time for something as perfunctory as an exchange.

Also, if you feel resentful about doing all the shopping (and I can't see why you'd make such a point of it otherwise), do it online as a couple/family and have it delivered. It'll take half an hour tops per week once you've got it set up.

[DropYourSword]

I agree scribbler...think we're at cross purposes here. I don't think it was fair to go shopping for the clothes. You made an example about him checking out a friends car...I just meant that that would have no benefit to anyone else in the family (ie the daughter who received the clothes) but you could use a different scenario suchas him picking up tools which could benefit the family as he could use them to fix things at how which would benefit the whole family. And THAT wouldn't really be fair on a family night out. Don't think I'm exposing myself very well, but am in total agreement with you!!

[DropYourSword]

Gah!!! Expressing, EXPRESSING NOT EXPOSING!

[themaltesefalcon]

Don't worry, Drop, you exposed yourself perfectly.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Exactly what AgentZZ said. I'd be bowled over if dh came home and took us to MacD's for dinner tbh. Not because he's not a nice person but money and time don't usually allow for that in the evenings and it would have recognised that we needed a treat, which is nice.

To then tag 20 mins of shop-based faffing on the end of that would have pissed me off. I would have wanted to get the hell home and lie on the sofa in my pants and I'm sure he did too. If you do so much shopping then it could have been done another time.

[GrandstandingBlueTit]

You're both in the right and you're both in the wrong. #helpful.

Of course it makes sense to do the clothes swap when you're at the location anyway. No big deal.

However 20 minutes waiting while someone faffs in a clothes shop, when you've eaten dinner and just want to get home and get the kids into bed sounds tedious in the extreme.

It's totally irrational of him to kick off, but I just know I'd be that irrational person kicking off as well. At that point in time, at that time of the day, just willing the kids' bedtime/finish line of XPM time they go to bed to come around.

[Cerisier]

YABU I can't believe you spent 20 mins in the shop while he and the DCs hung about. It was inconsiderate of you.

In the same position I would have gone off to quickly sort the exchange while DH paid the bill in the restaurant, then I would have met him at the icecream place.

[PlatinumStart]

Yeah OP it'd have been so much better if, instead of wasting 20 mins of your DH's precious precious time you had returned home and then the next day traveled with two kids in tow to the mall, to make the exchange, thus allowing your DH a much needed rest after his long week.

Jeez it was twenty feckin minutes - couldn't be have just taken the DC for that icecream? That's what any normal bloke would have done

[SelectAUserName]

While I agree 20 minutes to do an exchange is protracted, what was stopping the OP's DH from saying "Are you nearly done? I thought we might do X, Y and Z after the meal" or similar while in the shop. You know, communicate his plans like a grown-up, rather than keep his special secret family-night-out ideas to himself, act "antsy" and strop like a child (how petty over the ice cream, FFS?) when his post-meal plans - which the OP didn't know, since he hadn't deigned to share them with her - were changed.

[TotemPole]

I would have done the exchange first, before the meal. Get the chore out of the way before the nice part of the evening.

I hate shopping and I hate it even more on a full stomach.

20 minutes is a long time to be waiting for someone when you just want to relax.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Or the op could have been a bit considerate to the kids as well don't forget, and taken 2 minutes rather than browsing the entire range.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

YABU

You went out for a family dinner and turned it into a time for doing chores. I love shopping but I wouldn't have done what you did, OP. It just wasn't the right time. It sounds like you have form for this too - derailing an outing with something that nobody else wants to do and not making it as quick as possible. Who wants to hang around for 20 minutes outside a shop when they are full and tired and have 2 small children to get to bed so they can chill out after a hard week?

And so what if you bought clothes for your child? You can do that another time. It isn't such a huge deal that it requires the caps lock on FGS - it isn't like you donated a kidney.

Btw, I would even understand your actions if you had gone out to lunch. Lunch is a bit of time off during the day and then you get on with the rest of your day. Dinner is a different matter. It is about winding down. Going shopping really doesn't fit in with that.

And where were you when this ice cream was being bought? Would have it been so hard to say 'Can you get me one too?' when you saw DH go to the counter. I doubt he would have ignored you but you sound like you were too busy having the hump to speak to him. You are both as bad as each other on that score.

[MusicalEndorphins]

This is just a small bump, you were both tired. The worst part was him being petty and not asking you if you'd like an ice-cream. He is allowed to be a bit grumpy, it isn't the end of the world, I promise! I recommend you do not worry over who is right or wrong, go tell him you want to make up, and give him a big hug. Feeling happy is much more pleasant.
As they say, choose your battles!

[CoffeeTea103]

Yabu, you sound unreasonable and childish. He was ok with you returning the stuff, but 20 min really? I would be pissed too. And you said he was initially helpful so he didn't just immediately get upset, you then overdid it which caused this. This seems like you do this a lot from his response.

And not buying you Icecream? Boo hoo. You could have asked him but you were too upset at him being rightly upset.

[Roshbegosh]

He made an effort and you owe him an apology. You did derail the nice family time, as another poster said and not for the first time.

[coraltoes]

Yabu. How irritating to have to stand around for 20 mins after dinner to exchange something. Get a credit note and come back another time, when other people aren't waiting for you.

[kmc1111]

YABU. He wanted a nice, fun, relaxing night out, you turned it into a chore. 20 minutes just to exchange something is crazy. If someone told me they just wanted to exchange something while we were having a night out, I'd expect them to be 5 minutes max, and that's accounting for a long queue and a bit of indecisiveness. Your DH was fine with you going to the shop, he did want you wanted and got involved, commented on your choices etc. but then you faffed about for an extra 15 minutes. I doubt your DH had any grand plans, maybe he just wanted you all to get some icecream and have some more family time, but by the time you were done browsing it was getting a bit late, the kids were bored and getting antsy and the fun had gone right out of the night. Maybe he was hoping the family night out might turn into more of a 'date night' when you got the kids home, and could see that slipping away as you became more and more focused on kids clothing.

People asking why he didn't just wander off elsewhere a) it sounds like the OP wouldn't have been happy with that, she wanted him to be in raptures over picking out clothes and b) he probably just kept thinking 'she'll have to be done looking any second now surely'.

If you often do things like this, no wonder he's annoyed. A one-off wouldn't be a big deal, but I have people in my life who do things like this almost every single time we go out anywhere and it's incredibly frustrating. They always just want to make one stop on the way, or they just need to do one thing while they're there. It's especially annoying when you make it clear you just want a nice, relaxing time, a bit of an escape, and they decide it's the perfect time to go buy a new washer for their sink or run into the bank to ask some questions about opening a new account. The worst part is that they always make it sound like it's not going to be a hassle. If they just said 'listen, I know its a pain but I'm going to be a while so do you want to just meet me back here in 30 minutes', it still wouldn't be ideal, but at least it would be honest and save me hovering around waiting like a mug. But they always say 'it'll be really easy', 'it'll only take a minute', 'I won't be much longer', 'I'm almost done'...and end up getting pissed at me because I'm not looking delighted to be waiting for them.

Finally the ice-cream. Jeez, if you want one ask for one. He was being passive-aggressive, but your response to it was also PA, end result being nobody's happy. I really don't know how grown adults can function like this. If you had of just bought two for the both of you after he got one for your daughter, or made a little joke about asking him to get you one, you could have salvaged the night. You say sorry for hijacking the night, he says sorry for getting grumpy, you go back to having a nice time.

[Ginnytonic82]

Perhaps your Dh had a different vision in his head of the evening. E.g. You go for a nice meal, spend some quality time together, make you feel special, that sort of thing. Not traipse round the shops.

I know he didn't tell you his intentions but perhaps he thought it was a bit more romantic not too, and didn't expect a quick exchange of clothes to turn into a shopping trip. If he was planning a more relaxed evening for you both (thinking you'd appreciate it too) he would be miffed that it got hijacked by the clothes that must be returned.

You've both approached this from different angles, you wanted to be efficient and get a chore out of the way and he wanted a relaxed evening, to help put the focus back on you guys enjoying your time together. Fair enough he did have a hissy fit, but YWBU, and if you wanted an ice cream so badly, why not just buy one?

[PlatinumStart]

"He was ok with you returning it" whoop de doo

Part of being an adult is life is not all hearts and flowers - there are chores to be done and sometimes it makes sense to fit them in around other stuff.

As for all this "he made an effort" shit, do the rest of you honestly live in a state where you must be perpetually grateful and ignore the fact that your partner sulks like a baby because he suggested dinner in a mall?! How utterly depressing

[PlatinumStart]

I'm intrigued to know what he had planned beyond dinner - my bet is nothing you were just going to head home since you had two young DC With you.