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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be mad at DH for spoiling the evening?

502 replies

TeaJunky · 28/09/2013 00:05

It's been a long week for both of us. Long hours at work for him and me at home with dd1 (4) and dd2 (10 months).

DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there.

DH arrives home and we are all ready, we get to the restaurant in good spirits and DH comments on how we're going to have a nice fun evening after a long hard week. We eat and enjoy the meal. Then we walk into the shopping mall and i tell DH I'd like to do the exchange now to which he agrees.

We go to the shop and I start to look for some clothes I can exchange with and DH starts to look antsy but he's ok. I continue looking, and ask his opinion on a couple of outfits to which he gives helpful answers. I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done, and he gets really annoyed. He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. Then he sat there with a face on while I looked (for the whole of 2 minutes), and waited outside with dd1 while I did the exchange.

When I came out I was annoyed and he was in a big huff and we argued Hmm

I'm really upset at how impatient he was being. I'd only been in the shop for a maximum of 20 minutes. I'm the one who usually does all the shopping and clothes buying and so what if he had to 'waste' 20 minutes of his precious time while I BOUGHT CLOTHES FOR OUR CHILD.

He said I always try to dominate every situation and that I ruined the plans, and we were supposed to be having family fun time. I asked him what plans and he said 'what's the fucking point in asking now'.

We drove home in silence (with dd1 chattering away to herself in the back) and have both come to bed without talking. Hmm

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/09/2013 01:14

He must have said similar to you before for him to say 'you just don't understand, you'll never understand'.

That's something you say when you've been trying and trying to get across to someone that you're pissed off but they're (refusing?) not listening.

It is frustrating.

He was hinting that he wanted to get off but you ignored it, so it's not as though he kicked off without warning. 20 minutes is a long time when you want to be at home with your feet up.

Could you show him you are listening by acknowledging he might have a point with this, and talk about why he thinks you dominate other things?

It's hard not to take things personally when you feel the reasons why you've done something were legit, but it's OK for him to have a preference/opinion, you need to find the middle ground.

FreudiansSlipper · 28/09/2013 01:20

one wonders if it was the dh who was /exchanging shopping for the children and dw had a hissy fit would so many be understanding or would it be aww poor guy he was only trying to do a nice thing

will not ponder over it too much I know the answer

garlicbaguette · 28/09/2013 01:20

Nah, he was being an arse. They were in a shopping centre - loads of places he could have taken the DC, if he wasn't willing to play nice for twenty whole minutes. Choosing to hang around and whinge is being an arse.

OP gets a triple chocolate ice-cream with Bailey's from me.

DH gets detention in Mothercare Grin

Morloth · 28/09/2013 01:26

Yeah he was being an arse.

But I can sympathise.

garlicbaguette · 28/09/2013 01:26

He must have said similar to you before for him to say 'you just don't understand, you'll never understand'.

Agent, I've heard this from many a person, who meant "You keep getting in the way of me doing exactly what I want when I want!" Statements like that, with 'never' are often loaded, ime. It's the kind of thing children scream say, because children are emotionally immature.

garlicbaguette · 28/09/2013 01:27

OK, Morloth, I'll let you off Mothercare duty.
Generous to a fault, me.

changeforthebetter · 28/09/2013 01:27

I think he was the twat here - 20 minutes? fgs! Wine Brew

Morloth · 28/09/2013 01:28

I went to Mothercare once.

I bought a buggy.

It broke.

I had to go back to Mothercare, carrying the baby and the goddam broken buggy.

AgentZigzag · 28/09/2013 01:38

I was actually thinking about my 12 YO DD garlic Grin

But from the other side, that the shit I say to her she just can't/won't see what/why I'm saying it.

There's nothing worse (not talking about DD) than telling someone that something they do has become a problem for you and them brushing you/your feelings off.

He's said it's a bigger thing than just this shopping, that the OP seems to repeatedly have more say over what they do than he does.

That could sound immature, unless the OP's actually being too controlling in some situations and expects him to slot in.

He tried to hint, but she overruled him, if that happened all the time then I'd be doing more than a bit of foot tapping.

garlicbaguette · 28/09/2013 01:51

YY, I am mildly curious about how he reckons she ruined the holiday.

Sunnysummer · 28/09/2013 01:53

YABU. You didn't discuss it before you left, and then took your time - and 20 minutes is a long time to be shopping at the end a long day and a long week.

Sounds like you both need to be clearer in communicating your wants and expectations. I can see from your responses so far that you are still angry and are really looking for sympathy rather than other opinions, but once you are calmer I do hope you are able to take on the sensible suggestions that other posters have made!

Morloth · 28/09/2013 01:55

Well if she wanted a family shopping outing on holiday I am still siding with the DH!

On holidays I want to drink too much and nap while the kids mess around.

whysoglum · 28/09/2013 01:57

Dh was being an arse. Those getting uppity are people thinking you were shopping for yourself, if you were in TKMaxx trying on party dresses then fair enough but you were exchanging clothing for your child and he didn't tell you his exciting plans.

Driz · 28/09/2013 02:09

I'm with the husband, it would totally ruin the evening for me too, to have to go shopping. Why don't you shop online OP? It is fantastic, and then you don't have to bore your DH or Kids on what could have been a fun evening out.

AgentZigzag · 28/09/2013 02:10

The OP said she was really sad he didn't want to look for clothes for their baby whysoglum, that she saw it as a bonding thing with their baby and thought he should too (more control?).

She's judged him as being impatient and it being almost a sleight on their baby, but he wasn't even aware of what he was being tested on, he just wanted to get the fuck home to relax.

AlfalfaMum · 28/09/2013 02:31

Neither of you are BU, but shopping is not an appropriate activity for family time as far as I'm concerned. My DH is lovely, but I know he would be a bit fucked off if I hijacked a family night out with 20 minutes in a children's clothes shop. So would my DC.
I'd have sent him off to get ice creams with the dc while I did the exchange if it really had to be done then and there.
Just don't try to make shopping a 'family outing experience' and you'll be fine. It doesn't work.

mynewpassion · 28/09/2013 02:41

I am sure he would say that you faffing in the store for 20 minutes ruined the evening.

I know what you are thinking with the store but you were a bit thoughtless. Its family time not shopping time.

heartisaspade · 28/09/2013 02:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zingally · 28/09/2013 02:51

YABU.

20 minutes, wandering round one shop, for a 4-year old? With 2 tired kids and a tired husband in tow? Rather you than me!
I'd have had a face on as well.

CoolaSchmoola · 28/09/2013 02:57

Hmmm.

He agreed to the exchange. Fine. I would assume an exchange to be a couple of minutes, go in, pick up another item, take to till and done. He probably did too.

He gave 'helpful' opinions on a couple of outfits, which covers the 'taking an interest' side of things.

OP chose some clothes....

Now call me weird, but isn't that the point when an EXCHANGE takes place and you leave?

Exchange = go on, pick replacement item, go to till, leave.

If that had happened OP would have got her ice cream. But no.

At the point where the till was next on the list, after 20 minutes spent looking for items to exchange, that are now in her hands OP utters the line:

'I'm just going to take one last look over that side, then I'm done.'

The 'last' implying there's already been a first second third fourth look over that side.

So the DH offers to take everyone out for a nice family evening after a hard week all round. OP wants to exchange some clothes, DH agrees. OP then spends 20 minutes looking for items to exchange, during which, despite being 'antsy' DH takes an interest, discusses the outfits etc. OP chooses the items for exchange so has done what she'd said she wanted to do, and took a while doing it, then declares that, even though she's got what she came for and she knows that DH is antsy she's going for a last look at the other side.

I love shopping, but if I had gone for dinner with someone who said that they just wanted to exchange something, then spent 20 minutes bimbling around a shop, chose the exchange items, but instead of doing the exchange and leaving, carried on shopping even though they'd already looked at that area I would have been annoyed.

You took the piss OP. You knew he was getting antsy, but he still took an interest. You had chosen your exchange items, knowing he was getting antsy you should have gone to the till. Instead you decided to have another bimble about, looking at stuff again.

Yup, you took the piss, and in his shoes I would be fuming too.

MerryMarigold · 28/09/2013 03:06

YABU.

Shopping after dinner, with 2 small kids inc a 4 yo. Are you mad? 20 mins in a shop while you looked at clothes and I assume tired dh tried to amuse small one or ones. I think it was a really bad idea.

I think he agreed to the exchange because he didn't know what it was going to entail. Then he tried to be really patient but was inwardly losing it after 20 mins (of possibly trying to keep 4yo amused in shop), and then did lose it when you insisted on going back to another thing.

Yes, he was a bit petty, but you haven't explained how the argument happened, and what was said ON YOUR SIDE. (Arguments rarely happen if one person is upset and saying unreasonable things). You sound like someone who always needs to be right, and rarely if ever does something wrong, and I imagine this also irritated dh.

How different if you said. "Sorry I took ages...I hope I didn't ruin your evening."

And yes, if he works long hours, I don't see why you shouldn't be solely responsible for kids clothes shopping - or do it online.

DropYourSword · 28/09/2013 03:19

Another one here that hates shopping and would have been vastly irritated by this indecisive sounding shopping trip. He sounds pretty patient to me. I would be really annoyed if I'd been giving input on clothes and then you turned around to saying your were having a "final" look. I also wonder if he's tried to talk to you about why this kind if thing abouts him and you've ignored it before?

If he was in a shop (say B&Q for example) faffing about and asking your for your opinion on some bolts and screws and then stood what you did I think you'd get irritated too when it's supposed to be a nice family evening.

MidniteScribbler · 28/09/2013 03:22

What if the roles were reversed and the DH said "we're just going to stop at Joe's to see his new car on the way home" to which OP agreed, but then had to sit around for 20 minutes while they lifted the bonnet and discussed the finer points of 6 cylinder vs 8 cylinder (or whatever it is that boys talk about when they're huddled over the bonnet of a car). It would be interesting to see the responses then.

DropYourSword · 28/09/2013 03:25

Except scribbler that that scenario doesn't really benefit anyone else in the family. But a trip to a typically "male" store can benefit the rest of the family.

Canthisonebeused · 28/09/2013 03:26

Fuck sake he didn't take her out all expenses spared (to the Chinese buffet In the bloody shopping centre) for her to have now ruined it. I think him calling and telling OP they are going out, when she was expecting a night in, and then taking her to the ships is not on either.

Seriously it sounds like he thought this was an all out major gesture on his part. Which is pretty sad. He failed to communicate with her from the off and then he doesnt want to do what she wanted to do. Boooofuckinghoo!!

It's not all about him. He sounds like a big baby, or a controlling fuck who isn't able to communicate effectively.