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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is OH or Dsis BU?

32 replies

Licketysplit123 · 27/09/2013 21:42

back in April, OH and I booked a short trip away away, just the two of us for two nights and three days in October. The idea of the trip was something to look forward to and some quality time just the two of us after a rocky 18 months or so.

The trip was booked for midweek when DD would mostly be in nursery And MIL was going to be looking after her, with a little help from my DGM.

Anyway during the summer, MIL had a healthscare and next week is starting a three week course of treatment which means she will be unable to have DD. My own DM is on holiday and I feel nights and trips to and from nursery is too much to ask my DGM to do by herself.

That only really leaves my DSis to ask to have DD for one night and take her to nursery the next day and then pick her up. I didn't want to ask her as she works full time and is a single parent. she struggles already in the morning as her DD is very hard to get out of bed, traffic is really bad in her town because of massive roadworks and she has to go through them twice to get DD to school and then get to work.

As predicted, when I broached the subject with her, she said although she would love to help us, this would finish her off, and she really can't.

OH is annoyed as he says we would help her and he would have hoped she would do something to help us even if it meant inconveniencing herself for a day or so.

I think it's not like its an emergency when of course people would do what they needed to do to help. we are asking people to put themselves out and go to great trouble so we can go on holiday and it doesn't feel right.

Who is right?

OP posts:
SanityClause · 27/09/2013 21:48

Can you and DH rebook the trip for when your DM is back from holiday?

Jinty64 · 27/09/2013 21:51

In my opinion your OH is being unreasonable. I expect, in an emergency, your DSIS would be there for you but, for someone already struggling, this could all just be too much. I think you should wait and have some time away once your MIL is better or your mother is at home. Could you take DD away with you this time?

Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 27/09/2013 21:51

OH doesn't want to do that because of work, so we are just going to take DD with us I think.

But OH keeps bringing it up and making snide remarks about my sister, so I just wanted opinions on whether he was being an arse or had a point. At the moment I'm playing peacemaker

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 27/09/2013 21:52

Both / neither! Your OH is understandably disappointed that your plans aren't going to work out, and it sounds like your sister genuinely can't take on any more.
Is there a FiL who can help?
I'm sorry, you must be gutted to be missing out when you've looked forward to it for so long.

BillyBanter · 27/09/2013 21:53

It's not inconveniencing though, it's tipping from just about manageable to unmanageable for your DSis.

Would your DH be prepared to tip himself from just about managing to not managing for her?

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 27/09/2013 21:55

That's tough on everyone. Sometimes stuff happens that is just bad luck all round. Can you not rebook it at all for any other week? Could you maybe offer to have your sister's DD in return to give her a break - that might be worth more to her than anything else.

fairy1303 · 27/09/2013 21:55

Sorry, I'm afraid he's being an arse.

Understand completely that he is disappointed, I know how valuable these times are ( we're doing similar this weekend as have also had rocky year or so!) but you really can't be upset at DSis - she sounds like she has it tough enough as it is.

Emergency would be different.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 27/09/2013 21:55

Your sister is struggling and feels like she just can't cope with anything else on her plate right now. If that's how she genuinely feels, then how can she be 'wrong'?

OTOH, it's natural for you and your husband to feel disappointed. You were looking forward to your holiday.

ooh, I don't know. I don't think it's a question of who's right and who's wrong, it's just one of those things that just is what it is. Your sister feels she just can't cope with adding anything else into her day for something non essential, and your husband feels like she ought to because he'd do it for her (would he? Or would it be you?)

Do you have a friend who would help out?

BillyBanter · 27/09/2013 21:56

He is being a bit of an arse but we all are sometimes and I can understand he's pissed off that your plans have gone awry. Hopefully he'll have his huff and be more reasonable tomorrow.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 27/09/2013 21:57

xpost - he's got no business making snide comments. That makes him an arse.

TheHouseCleaner · 27/09/2013 21:59

"OH is annoyed as he says we would help her and he would have hoped she would do something to help us even if it meant inconveniencing herself for a day or so."

OH seems to be forgetting that his "we" are two parents and not a working lone parent who is already struggling to cope. He also seems to not be taking on board that his and your child is not your sister's responsibility, she's under no obligation to him and the request is for help with a luxury not an essential time away.

I'd be bloody annoyed with him if I were you or your sister!

I hope you can find a way around the problem.

YoureBeingADick · 27/09/2013 22:03

if you can take her with you then it's not an issue. he is BU to expect her to go beyond what she feels she can cope with just so he can go on holiday. people get sick and plans have to change, that isn't your sister's fault and not her responsibility to step in and make it so his plans aren't messed up. he is the parent here so he has to accept that he is the one who has to change his plans and not expect others to.

MikeOxard · 27/09/2013 22:04

He is BU. She can't help, she doesn't have to, and he needs to accept that gracefully, not be an arse just because he can't have his trip away. She can't have one either, but she's not guilt tripping him into facilitating one for her.

MistressDeeCee · 27/09/2013 22:11

Its a shame you cant have the holiday quite the way you wanted. I wont blame your DH, his reaction seems normal to me. He's raising an eyebrow because 1 sister wont help another and he doesnt 'get' that. This is your daughter's aunt & you're asking for 1 day, not 10. Unless she's depressed or there are other pressing reasons, there are many lone parents out there who could cope with having an extra child with them for the night. Their world doesnt cave in. I cant imagine not being able to have my niece or nephew so my sis could have a holiday..Id find a way & just do it. Family is family, althought I dont expect all the feel the same. He's not an idiot, or an arse, or whatever else he's being called here. Its just a misunderstanding and I hope you all have a lovely holiday.

SanityClause · 27/09/2013 22:15

Well I think he is BU, FWIW.

Your DSis sounds like she is just about coping.

It's obviously disappointing that you can't have your romantic break without DD, but it's no more DSis's fault than MIL's.

Ask him how he would feel if you made snidey comments about MIL not helping out?

Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 27/09/2013 22:16

We would do it for her BUT there are two of us and I work from home so totally different. I didn't want to ask her so when I did, I told her I'd totally understand if it was too much to ask.

I just think you should never EXPECT people to do things for you. And even if she agreed to I wouldn't be happy about it because I would know she was under pressure.

I'm not too bothered about the trip. We can take DD with us. Me and OH are not in a good place at the moment so I don't feel disappointed not to have the time away.

It's just I automatically assume he's wrong about most things at the moment, so I thought I would check this out and get some objective opinions. Thanks

OP posts:
TheHouseCleaner · 27/09/2013 22:17

There may be many lone parents out there who could cope, MistressDeeCee, but the OP's sister has explained that she isn't one of them and her OH isn't just raising an eyebrow he's making snide remarks and banging on about it to the OP!

That makes him an arse in a lot of people's books!

hermioneweasley · 27/09/2013 22:18

It sounds like your sister needs the holiday. Perhaps you and she coukd use the holiday together and DH have all the kids, since it's so easy and all?

AndHarry · 27/09/2013 22:19

I can see why he's disappointed but he is being unreasonable. In your sis's situation I wouldn't make myself late for work in the morning to help my brother have a nice holiday, for example.

auntmargaret · 27/09/2013 22:19

Sadly I agree with everyone else. Your OH is being unreasonable. There are 2 of you, and I bet he,if not you both , find it hard. She does it alone. She deserves respect from him. Not snidey comments.

Topseyt · 27/09/2013 22:22

I can understand his disappointment, but she is his and your child, so ultimately NOT your sister's responsibility when she already has a fair bit on her plate.

These things happen. It wasn't planned that way, but the best laid plans of mice and men etc. .......

It is a shame, but you may well have other opportunities. Your MIL did not plan to be ill, so it just has to be dealt with.

I guess you do not have anyone else who would help you out, or you could call in any favours at all??

Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 27/09/2013 22:23

Ha hermione if only!!!!

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 27/09/2013 22:25

How often does he look after your sister's children so she can have a break? Just out of interest.

Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 27/09/2013 22:27

Not really Topsey we have more friends who live locally but I honestly think its quite a big ask, she would have to be collected from DGMs, looked after overnight (she's not an amazing sleeper) and then taken to nursery in the next town. Everyone we know works. It's too much to ask anyone but very close family I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 27/09/2013 22:28

Hecsy TBF to him he probably would but he works a ridiculous amount so actually never

OP posts: