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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a what would you do....

41 replies

soontobeslendergirl · 27/09/2013 20:11

This is a bit long but didn't want to drip feed.

Since my eldest started high school last year, I have driven him and his best friend from primary and that boys older sister to and from school every day. My younger son started high school this year so now I take all 4 of them. The other children's parents do make a contribution towards petrol. I could ask for more but it's never been about the money, I go anyway so have just taken them with me. The girl used to travel by bus before my son started at the school.

There are not many children from our area that go to the school and the public transport is not great - it means about a mile walk at either end of convoluted bus journey.

It fits in reasonably well with my working hours though I do get in work later than I should in the morning and so have time to make up at home. My boss is okay with this.

It's hard to explain, but the route I take means that to just drop them at the bus stop in the morning makes no sense as I'd have to almost drive past school on my way to work or double back the way I came which would take just as long. So far so good.

Anyway, the other kids are really starting to annoy me, especially the older girl (age 16). Despite being polite in terms of saying thank you, I find both kids really rude and deliberately argumentative. My elder son and the boy aren't very close any more although they are in the same class. No1 son also struggles with confidence and I find that this boy puts him down a lot and the girl is also very dismissive of anything that is said by me or my sons. I can't even speak to my own children without them butting in.

After a bit of cheek the other week which I did my best to ignore, it has been pretty quiet and a bit uncomfortable if I am honest. However today the cheek came back about something that was actually none of their business. I felt I had to bite my tongue, but even No2 son who is usually oblivious asked me if I was angry with the girl and boy.

Anyway, I am going to send the Mum a message saying that I don't want to take them any more after half term. I was just going to say that it doesn't suit me any more, but I know she will ask why. There are other reasons I can give, i.e. the car is getting cramped - which it is, and also that my boys would like to invite friends back after school but I don't have space in the car to bring them.

However, despite still being really angry, I am such a soft touch that I feel rotten about it and I know I shouldn't. The other family are better off than us, have 2 cars and the mum is a SAHP. but there is a younger brother too. I know I would feel bad driving past them on a rainy/snowy day. I also feel that at the moment in an emergency I could ask them to pick my kids up as a favour which I wouldn't feel able to do if I no longer take them. I have a reasonable relationship with the mother, the father i find a bit weird and rude - we did briefly socialise when the boys were little but we are not really kindred souls.

Well, that was even more huge than I thought it would be, but if you are still with me, what would you do?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 27/09/2013 20:17

I wouldn't have bitten my tongue in the first place, but then I'm nowhere near as nice as you sound, OP. I think you just send the note as you describe it, or say you will try to take them on bad weather days if possible if that softens the blow a bit. It's not like they'll struggle to get the kids to school, and it's not your problem anyway. You've been doing something really nice to help out another family, these kids are rude and making you all uncomfortable, so fuck 'em.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 27/09/2013 20:18

I would speak up in the car if the other children were butting in on your conversation, tbh.
Do you put up with the behaviour without saying anything at all?

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 27/09/2013 20:21

Does your DS not stand up to his former friend because you don't either?

If the arrangement still suits you travel wise, and you get a few quid for going anyway, have a word with the mum and say they are getting quite blasé with manners and let her deal with them.

And then stand up for yourself and your DC in the car and don't put up with it.

Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 27/09/2013 20:22

Ha Ha Fetchez. I was thinking of adding that I'd try to help out in an emergency to the note. I wouldn't have held my tongue if it had been my own kids to be honest, but I tend to make allowances for other peoples. I know you are right. Fuck them!

I had to go and speak with my son the other day as we are trying to get him to make an effort to engage people in conversation, so, he said something to the boy in the car to which he got quite a sharp retort back. I then had to say to my son that he shouldn't stop trying and it isn't his problem that the boy was being a twat. He seems to be trying to get in a bit with my younger son as he has twigged on that No2 son is a different kettle of fish and is quite outgoing and popular and the boy despite being rude is a bit insecure so wants to be in with the in crowd.

OP posts:
Loopylala7 · 27/09/2013 20:26

When will the girl turn 17? Cold you say things like, well I guess you'll be learning to drive soon, so can take you and your brothers to school. Maybe suggest an intensive course to her parents and a secondhand run around if they are as well off as that. Maybe suggest that the SAHM could offer lessons en route to school. Here's hoping she's 17 in the next month!

Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 27/09/2013 20:26

I think you are right to be honest when you say that i should actually deal with it in the car. They just take me aback and I really don't like confrontation either so I guess I'm not setting a good example. No1 son was bullied, that's why he goes to a school that he needs to travel to.

OP posts:
Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 27/09/2013 20:28

Not 17 until next summer unfortunately. She has this year and next still to go in High school.

OP posts:
YoniMitchell · 27/09/2013 20:28

I would go with your plan OP but keep it simple, just tell them the arrangement no longer works for you so you need to stop at half term.

You shouldn't worry about driving past them in bad weather, if they're a 2 car family and the mum is a sahp then I'm sure she can run them in.

If you offer to give them a lift when it's bad weather you'll be stuck with them all winter and half of the spring!

In a nutshell, how they get to school is their parents's responsibility.

YouTheCat · 27/09/2013 20:30

They sound horrible and rude.

I'd be honest and tell the mum her kids need to learn some manners.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/09/2013 20:30

Don't bat an eyelid. Be pleasant just say the arrangement no longer works for you as of X date. After 12 months or so, petrol contribution or not, it is not unreasonable for them to take a turn or make other arrangements even if their DCs were sweetness and light.

Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 27/09/2013 20:34

Squirted, it was about something and nothing, and I did say something to them but what I actually wanted to do was stop the car and tell them to get out!

It was basically about how many pupils were in the school and they said that it was a lot lower than I know for a fact that it is. They agreed that their figure didn't seem correct but when I said where the real figure was to be found, the girl just snorted/laughed and said something about do you seriously think I am going to go and look it up? It's really not that important etc. which to be fair it isn't but actually it was nothing to do with her. It sounds daft typing it, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back and it was more to do with the attitude than the words iyswim.

OP posts:
CupOCoffee · 27/09/2013 20:35

You won't be driving passed them if they have their own car!

Im surprised they haven't suggested taking it in turns with you. They sound lazy!

If one the kids is rude you should say something. Don't put up with that shit in your own car!

CupOCoffee · 27/09/2013 20:35

You need to set a good example in terms of assertiveness to your boy.

Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 27/09/2013 20:41

It all started with a conversation I was having with my son about his lost school tie and the manky replacement he had managed to obtain from lost property. The girl was also having a whinge while waiting outside the car the other day about long my younger son was taking to come out of school as she wanted to be somewhere by a certain time. Which happens to be about the time the bus would actually leave from the town never mind the fact that they are home in their house before the bus has even left.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 27/09/2013 20:43

Good manners is a lot more than saying please and thank you.

Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 27/09/2013 20:48

No, the mum wont drive them in. She'll make them take the bus. On the few occasions I haven't been able to get them, i.e. my car was getting serviced, they all got the bus. I think she sometimes took the girl to the bus stop if the weather was bad. She used to collect one day a week as the boy had a friend home and I didn't have room for an extra - she collected them all as she had a 7 seater.

I probably do struggle with assertiveness tbh.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 27/09/2013 20:49

If her kids don't like getting the bus they need telling that their bad manners have lost them a lift.

Their own fault.

Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 27/09/2013 20:50

I think she thinks I am a soft touch for taking my boys every day, but as I say, it isn't inconvenient for me to do it and I like to have them home at a reasonable time so that they can get homework done and all their activities without it feeling like a rush.

OP posts:
pictish · 27/09/2013 20:51

This why I will never make an arrangement that involves me taking other people's kids to (or from) school indefinitely!

My friend asked me if I would be willing to bring her dd home along with my ds2 and I said nopey nopey nope! Too much of a bind I told her. No can do!

I'd get pissed off with it. I find OPC annoying in large volumes, and every day is far too much to expect from me.

Disentangle yourself from this arrangement asap. The mum is sah and has a car at her disposal, so if she's wanting them driven to and from she can do it herself. You are not leaving them in the lurch by any means. Good luck! x

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 27/09/2013 20:54

But when she snorted/laughed at you, did you let it lie and seethe quietly?
Even the good old MN response Did you mean to be so rude would work.

I get her attitude, really I do. Have a word with the mum first re rudeness, and then you might feel more justified in a few months if it's not improved. Would that suit?

How they get to school isn't really your problem although I see what you mean about driving past them in bad weather.

Madmartigan · 27/09/2013 20:57

I can see why you don't want a ny bad feeling, but your kids are not learning about acceptable behaviour or assertiveness here. They need to see thatg neither you nor they are obliged to accept shabby treatment.

Goldmandra · 27/09/2013 20:58

It sounds like this could continue to be a good arrangement for all concerned if the teenagers were being polite.

As winter is coming and you'll feel bad driving past them at the bus stop why not give them a chance to change and keep their lift?

Start challenging their rudeness and expecting them to treat you and your family with respect. If they meet your challenge head on rather than backing down and apologising remind them that you take them to school voluntarily and could easily stop at any time. They then have a choice. They can mend their ways or go to school on the bus. They may not both choose the same option.

If you don't let them know how you feel they won't learn.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 27/09/2013 20:58

And if she whines about time again, you need to remind her directly of the bus times, telling her that if she is as grown up as she thinks she is, that she can choose to do that. Call her bluff.

Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 27/09/2013 20:59

thanks all. I really need to grow a pair and stop feeling rotten about it. I did say at the beginning that if it wasn't working I would say, so I guess i am saying. So, do i give notice and say at the end of term which might mean a couple of uncomfortable weeks or just say from Monday onwards?

I actually think they are away next week (Mum and Dad) not kids. I was due to go on a training course so had asked if they could get them. She said her Dad could but why didn't they all get the bus. I said I wasn't happy with that as I would be 300 miles away and DH drives for a living so could be over an hour away and we have no other back up if the boys needed us. I'd be happier if the were in the company of a responsible adult. She conceded but my course was then postponed. I may have an issue come November if it's rescheduled but I'll cross that bridge....

OP posts:
Original poster
soontobeslendergirl · 27/09/2013 21:05

I think that me not taking them any more is also showing assertiveness to my boys. We had a chat about it when we got home. I think part of it is that I find it really gob smacking that they speak like that so it kind of takes me aback and then i struggle to think what to say. Then i think that maybe I am just not used to dealing with teenage girls so maybe that is normal? I guess that that is they way they talk to each other at home so I am not sure that the parents would necessarily see my point tbh.

OP posts: