More of a what would you do....

[soontobeslendergirl]

This is a bit long but didn't want to drip feed.

Since my eldest started high school last year, I have driven him and his best friend from primary and that boys older sister to and from school every day. My younger son started high school this year so now I take all 4 of them. The other children's parents do make a contribution towards petrol. I could ask for more but it's never been about the money, I go anyway so have just taken them with me. The girl used to travel by bus before my son started at the school.

There are not many children from our area that go to the school and the public transport is not great - it means about a mile walk at either end of convoluted bus journey.

It fits in reasonably well with my working hours though I do get in work later than I should in the morning and so have time to make up at home. My boss is okay with this.

It's hard to explain, but the route I take means that to just drop them at the bus stop in the morning makes no sense as I'd have to almost drive past school on my way to work or double back the way I came which would take just as long. So far so good.

Anyway, the other kids are really starting to annoy me, especially the older girl (age 16). Despite being polite in terms of saying thank you, I find both kids really rude and deliberately argumentative. My elder son and the boy aren't very close any more although they are in the same class. No1 son also struggles with confidence and I find that this boy puts him down a lot and the girl is also very dismissive of anything that is said by me or my sons. I can't even speak to my own children without them butting in.

After a bit of cheek the other week which I did my best to ignore, it has been pretty quiet and a bit uncomfortable if I am honest. However today the cheek came back about something that was actually none of their business. I felt I had to bite my tongue, but even No2 son who is usually oblivious asked me if I was angry with the girl and boy.

Anyway, I am going to send the Mum a message saying that I don't want to take them any more after half term. I was just going to say that it doesn't suit me any more, but I know she will ask why. There are other reasons I can give, i.e. the car is getting cramped - which it is, and also that my boys would like to invite friends back after school but I don't have space in the car to bring them.

However, despite still being really angry, I am such a soft touch that I feel rotten about it and I know I shouldn't. The other family are better off than us, have 2 cars and the mum is a SAHP. but there is a younger brother too. I know I would feel bad driving past them on a rainy/snowy day. I also feel that at the moment in an emergency I could ask them to pick my kids up as a favour which I wouldn't feel able to do if I no longer take them. I have a reasonable relationship with the mother, the father i find a bit weird and rude - we did briefly socialise when the boys were little but we are not really kindred souls.

Well, that was even more huge than I thought it would be, but if you are still with me, what would you do?

Thing is, I was actually considering having to change my car as it's only 3 doors and quite small so it makes it a pain when it's so full. My boys also end up arguing with each other about which one of them has to sit in the middle seat. When really, If I am only taking my two, space isn't an issue.

I have deliberately never taken more than a token amount for petrol as I didn't want to become reliant on the extra income.

You'd show more of an example of your assertiveness to your boys if you called them every time on rudeness, and made the two visitors take turns in the middle seat.
We lift share, and whichever boys parent is driving gets the front seat.
No question. You put your foot down about seating too. They get to take turns but not at your boys expense.

Nah don't bother with any of that. Just end it.

I found myself in a similar position with a friend of my daughter who needed a lift back from work. (Schoolgirl Saturday job.)

Her parents were fine with her getting the bus home but I was passing anyway, so I gave her a lift. Every week. That was fine by me. Even if she never said thank you. Even if I missed her house - that looked like all the other houses - and she just sat there till I backed up.

But then she kept me hanging about at work and made me wait. And then she left stuff in my car and when I went out of my way to take it back she was neither apologetic or grateful. I even had to go early one morning to give back a very important garment and no-one would answer the door - even though I was expected.

Bottom line - she just made me wish I'd let her take the bus like her parents were happy for her to do.

I agree, just end it. They aren't friends and they aren't appreciative - that's the adults, the children are rude and need a lesson in manners and entitlement. Step away.

You are absolutely right Squirted. But I think I am definitely not going to take them any more. it feels like the right thing to do. I make sure my own boys appreciate the fact that I drive them every day, the other two are taking me for granted and I don't need that.

Everyone is right, they have other options. Another factor is that I have family hopefully moving into the area who may wish to go to the same school so I'd rather be available to take my sisters kids if required. I wouldn't get any nonsense from them and it would be appreciated. Family comes first.

So effectively you are allowing these children to make you and your child feel uncomfortable whilst doing them a favour?

I would very firmly tell them to stop being so bloody rude to both you and your son or you will no longer be giving them a lift.

You aren't really setting a good example to your son by pansy arsing around and not tackling the problem head on with children!

Fair enough, but don't tell the mum any shite about being cramped. Tell her the truth, her kids are rude and ungrateful and setting a bad example.
If you were my friend, I'd much more appreciate that than waffle.

I am fairly sure that the girl will have gone home moaning about me being an idiot or somesuch. last weeks issue was me getting a lecture about the rights of cyclists given that she's never read the highway code but has been for some cycling lessons and considers herself from a cycling family. Cos clearly in my life I have never ridden a bike and as a driver have no idea about the rights on the road

Nah, I think a lot of the attitude is coming from the parents anyway and the boy is starting to speak in exactly the same way - that doesn't happen randomly. I think there would be no point feeding it back because I don't think they would actually consider it rude.

I have been moaning to my OH and workmates/ friends about it so clearly it is leaking out into real life. Enough is enough. they wouldn't feel guilty if the shoe was on the other foot.

runningonwillpower - I think that is exactly the point - you do something to be nice and then it gets taken for granted - what did you do in the end....or are you still driving her?

Good for you op!

Why don't they cycle to school if they're such amazing cyclists?
End it.

I wouldn't go till the end of term
phone call tomorrow to mum to say it no longer suits - end of.
you've made up your mind, why prolong it

You are getting way too involved with this.

If the money is useful, just shut them up if they backchat or argue about seating and dwell on it no more

If the money isn't an issue at all which appears to be the case, end the arrangement.

Thanks again all.

r3d3 :o

tbf there isn't a safe cycle route - it involves part motorway or crossing a dual carriageway where cars are doing 60 mph , if there was, I'd be getting my boys to do it too.

The money doesn't go wrong, but they pay for the equivalent of a tank of petrol per half term. I reckon that since I started driving up to the school I am about 2 extra tanks of petrol per half term, so they are effectively paying half the extra petrol. So, about £300 a year. It's no biggie really. they basically asked me what I wanted. I wasn't doing it for the money so left it to them.

I thought to go to the half term because that's effectively what they have "paid for". I am also not sure if the parents are around this week and don't want to land it in the visiting grandparents lap as they haven't done anything wrong. That would just leave one week after that before the holidays.

I have also just worked out a better form of public transport for my own boys if I ever need it which means I wouldn't need favours back anytime.

My OH starts too early in the morning to be able to take the boys to school without it meaning that they'd be there nearly an hour too early. However, if he dropped them at the train station near his work, they'd have a 5 minute wait on a train and would then have half an hour to walk the just under a mile up to school. that would mean they'd get a wee bit of exercise and wouldn't be hanging about aimlessly. The train journey is only 6 minutes and costs less than the bus :)

Alternatively, they could cycle to a station on the way to school (reasonably safe route) just under two miles and have a 3 minute train trip that costs buttons and walk up to school. I just need to check that there is a bike shelter/place to lock up their bikes at the station.

That makes me a lot happier. I guess part of the reason I put up with it was so that I had someone to get them in an emergency.

I'll still take my two in most of the time but I am happier that there is a better option than the bus. I don't think the girl ever took the train - i guess the bus stop is slightly closer than the train station.