Not to let my dc's got to cousin's birthday party?

[CookieDoughKid]

Me and my dH's side fallen out BIG time. Not seen any of them in a year.
Lots of shit happened and I left his family with no doubt they don't give a shit about me. I got the invite as SIL wants to 'do the right thing'.

I don't want to go because
a) I can't trust myself to behave. I can be polite suppose but I can damn be frosty when I want to.
b) It will cause me anquish to see particular members of their family (as well as sadness that we are where we are).
c) can't comprehend & bear my dc's sitting in same room as Uncle X who was twice arrested over child sexual offences involving both my dc's (but remained unconvicted for therapy instead).

I feel I should go because
a) I'm denying my dcs a relationship with any of dh's family
b) dc's asked to see gps/uncles/aunts etc and asking why they can't. They are both toddler age.

Dh - doesn't give a shit about his family (for the majority)

My gut reaction is no, I'm not big or brave enough for this but feel that morally, I'm not doing the right thing by my dcs.

WWYD?

[CookieDoughKid]

Yes, my dp isn't the children's father.

I'm non-contact with my dp's family anyway. It's just that I get really wobbly moments when my little dc's asks about why they can't see such and such in that family.

Again, thank you all for helping me through the decision making (when you're in thick of it. )

[CookieDoughKid]

sunny hard to explain but basically - my brain is telling me 'it's over, it's happened, it's been delt with by the officials. Surely you're big enough and mature enough to cope with this. SIL and BIL and everybody else in DP's family expects you to 'get over it' because they living their lives normally and so should you. This birthday invite demonstrates that.

Whilst my brain is telling me that, my heart is saying because I have this underlying heartstopping feeling and memories saying to me 'no I can't deal with this, can't put myself and dc's through it again'. I end up feeling really conflicted.

And I just doubt myself sometimes. Really do. When you have 15 people in Dp's family telling you 'you're mad', 'Uncle X is harmless', 'you're just a shit stirrer' and my own dc's are really missing their aunts and cousins etc (who all know about Uncle X but minimises it/sweeps it under the carpet and lets Uncle X be in contact with other babies/gc....) - it's a lot LOT hard to believe in yourself.

[Donkeyok]

Imagine all these rancid fuckers telling their lies to your dc in the future. Undermining them. Protect them from what you can. End it, explain it much later in future when you feel appropriate or necessary.

[Andro]

When you have 15 people in Dp's family telling you 'you're mad', 'Uncle X is harmless', 'you're just a shit stirrer' and my own dc's are really missing their aunts and cousins etc (who all know about Uncle X but minimises it/sweeps it under the carpet and lets Uncle X be in contact with other babies/gc....) - it's a lot LOT hard to believe in yourself.

Peer pressure sucks, it doesn't matter how old you are!

What is important is:

Did that person assault/abuse my children?

If the answer is an unequivocal YES, then your response to any suggestion of your dc spending time in his company must be a similarly unequivocal NO.

[Donkeyok]

Remember what they're missing wasn't real. The reality ... aragh too gastly and you will have to deal with that (however long) even if you say goodbye for good to them today.

[quoteunquote]

Don't go, and don't give anyone who spends time with this man the time of day,

If he can't be honest with himself about what he has done, and other can't face dealing with it, none of them are worth a jot, avoid forever,

Your children are not losing out, they are having a very lucky escape from the most poisonous situation.

[justmyview]

Not sure if social work are involved. Even if they're not, could you tell a white lie and say it's on SW advice that you must stay away, or else you're worried that the children could be removed from your care?

[BasilBabyEater]

Stop feeling guilty.

You're not depriving your DC's of anything good.

These people aren't good role models to have round your DC's.

[wheredidiputit]

And I just doubt myself sometimes. Really do. When you have 15 people in Dp's family telling you 'you're mad', 'Uncle X is harmless', 'you're just a shit stirrer' and my own dc's are really missing their aunts and cousins etc (who all know about Uncle X but minimises it/sweeps it under the carpet and lets Uncle X be in contact with other babies/gc....) - it's a lot LOT hard to believe in yourself.

But how many of these 15 people know what happen and the fact it has happened more then once. Because I'm betting they have no idea of what the real reason as to why you and your DC don't go to family events and if they did they would not put their children in danger.

Unfortunately until it happens again and it will and the police have enough to prosecute, your In laws and family will always want to hide everything. All they are thinking about it saving their embarrassment and not about protecting your children or anyone other children.

Your doing good job protecting your children from further harm.

[Lilacroses]

Oh my god. That sounds absolutely horrendous. Do not go....under no circumstances. So sorry you have been through all this.

[waltermittymissus]

Remember what they're missing wasn't real

Basically this ^

They're not missing loving and caring aunts and uncles.

They're missing people who would sacrifice their safety, they're emotional well-being and they're right a peaceful and happy life in the blink of an eye all so the family can maintain the status quo.

Whether that's because they're not biologically related or not, I don't know.

Either way, it's very easy to get sucked into a "say nothing" mind set in families. Everywhere you look people maintain relationships with abusers.

But you have the benefit of refusing to get sucked in from the start. All you have to do now is stay strong.

What if he did it again? Could you live with the knowledge that you'd handed your children over on a silver platter? I couldn't.

[CookieDoughKid]

wheredidiputit yes, all dp's family know and they blame me because I wanted them to know about what happened to my dcs. I said to them they Don't have to believe me, they can call the police and sw themselves.

Mil went into hospital with a breakdown blaming me for causing anguish and causing trouble to her family. She didn't want anyone to know because she and the whole damn family can't come to terms about this UncleX

[CookieDoughKid]

It staggers me that unclex still comes into contact with other family children and their parents are fine with it. My sil being an example but she's seen what happened to me when I didn't tow the line. Thanks all for responding. You've been great strength to me.

[waltermittymissus]

I'm sure SS w

[waltermittymissus]

Oops!

Would be interested in his level of contact with children.

[nkf]

Drop them I think. Painful in some ways, but they sound horrible.

[TweedWasSoLastYear]

As a victim I would definatly say DO NOT GO.
Your children will thank you for not exposing them to any danger in later life . Even if this lad has had therapy there is no guarentee nothing will happen. Your children might be reminded of things that did happen when they see the uncle , things that they might have shut away in a safe place ( dont know what happened obvs but guessing) and might withdraw.
Just be assured by not putting them in this situation you are doing the right thing . May be that the family who are minimising what happened are loooking to you for some sort of closure?
'Oh look CookieDough is here with her DC's ..see nothing really happened and it was all a misunderstanding because if anything had happened she wouldnt be here ' Thus justifying their minimalising and denial. I might be wrong and reading the stuation wrongly , either way not worth the risk.

[Donkeyok]

Tweed so sorry

[skyeskyeskye]

In my XH's family, his niece accused her stepfather of abusing her, then later withdrew her story. It was before I met him but after we had DD, I told XH that he was never to leave her alone with that man and that she would never stay overnight in their house.

I have no idea if the niece was telling the truth or not, they are a pretty fucked up family, but I would never take the risk.

[CookieDoughKid]

Tweed So sorry to hear too. Thank you for writing in. I'm not gonna take the risk so I'm not going! I've replied to SIL and thanked her for the invite but that we wouldn't be attending. I gave no reason why ....couldn't think of the right words to be honest because I don't think they would have received any of my reasons well!!

[EldritchCleavage]

Oh, and brother Y is a pompous little arsewipe as well. No concern for your kids or your feelings in that message. They are quite the Cover-Up Crew, aren't they?

[AmberLeaf]

What a bunch of denying enablers.

Don't let any of them anywhere near your children.