Not to let my dc's got to cousin's birthday party?

[CookieDoughKid]

Me and my dH's side fallen out BIG time. Not seen any of them in a year.
Lots of shit happened and I left his family with no doubt they don't give a shit about me. I got the invite as SIL wants to 'do the right thing'.

I don't want to go because
a) I can't trust myself to behave. I can be polite suppose but I can damn be frosty when I want to.
b) It will cause me anquish to see particular members of their family (as well as sadness that we are where we are).
c) can't comprehend & bear my dc's sitting in same room as Uncle X who was twice arrested over child sexual offences involving both my dc's (but remained unconvicted for therapy instead).

I feel I should go because
a) I'm denying my dcs a relationship with any of dh's family
b) dc's asked to see gps/uncles/aunts etc and asking why they can't. They are both toddler age.

Dh - doesn't give a shit about his family (for the majority)

My gut reaction is no, I'm not big or brave enough for this but feel that morally, I'm not doing the right thing by my dcs.

WWYD?

[WaitMonkey]

Don't go and don't let your dc near this person ever again or anyone who makes light of this situation. You are doing a great job of protecting your dc.

[EldritchCleavage]

Ooh, I remember your previous thread.

Stay away, he will do it again.

[Finola1step]

This is by far the easiest YANBU I have ever commented on. Under no circumstances should you allow any form of contact between your children and this family member. And I would also reject any contact with any family member who is still in contact with him. Non negotiable.

Your dh's family can minimise what he did all they like. But you know what he did and you are right to stick with your decision. You're a great mum, protecting your children as you should. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. The risk is just too high.

[Redlocks30]

I cannot believe they can in any way justify the uncle's behaviour! How do they explain it-surely friends/neighbours/other family members see your side?

[WandaDoff]

YANBU you are doing the right thing.

[mumofweeboys]

He abused your children!!!! No way on earth would I be in the same room as a man that did that, never mind my kids.

[FannyFifer]

Are social services involved? I would think they would see any contact as placing your children at risk.

You are doing the right thing. Keep your babies safe.

[waltermittymissus]

I remember your thread too.

You've gotten away from this toxic bunch of weirdos. Don't get sucked back in.

You say:

but feel that morally, I'm not doing the right thing by my dcs

Can't you see, you are doing absolutely the right thing for your dc by keeping them away from this dangerous paedophile and his enablers?

You are a brilliant mother for having the strength to do that alone. Don't let them and yourself down now by falling at this hurdle.

Your dc will forget them all. They're only toddlers.

Your child was mentioned BY NAME in a paedophile ring. Think what could have happened to them if you'd followed the party line of putting up and shutting up.

These people are dangerous and there's no place for them in your dc's lives. They haven't earned their place there.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

YANBU! And anyone who told me to get over myself would be told to fuck off.

[Ezio]

If protecting kids is the mad thing to do, then we must be the maddest bitches in town.

And damn proud of it!!!!

Avoid them like the plague.

[Debs75]

YADNBU to not go. I think it is madness that your SIL has even suggested it to be fair.

I would be concerned that the uncle is obviously in contact with their family, they have 'brushed it under the carpet', he may well reoffend and he was part of a paedophile ring. He placed your dc's in a huge amount of danger directly and indirectly.

I wouldn't want to go somewhere I felt unsafe, unbelieved and scared for the safety of my dc's.

I think this is a situation where total cutting off of your inlaws is completely justified and needed to keep your family safe.

I do think that a note to SIL stating why you can not possibly take your dc's to the party is a god idea. She is, I presume, an innocent party in this and may well miss your part of the family

[DontmindifIdo]

C is the only reason you need! You need to keep your DCs away from this man. When they are old enough, you can explain to them why not, but until then, just keep them away from them.

No child needs a relationship with exended family, but they do need to be kept safe.

Decline the invite, let your SIL know that you won't be attending anything where Uncle X is due to him trying to abuse your DCs. (She can keep minimsing it, you keep saying it bluntly, sugar coating not needed).

[CoconutRing]

There is a safe guarding issue here. Uncle X may be an un-convicted sex offender, but I bet as far as the police and social services are concerned he may still be considered a danger to children. Stay away. Keep your children safe.

[MistressDeeCee]

OP - YADNBU. Dont go. Have a nice day out with your DCs instead. This family are bullying you - knowing how you feel & whats happened,they want to put you through sitting in that room with a known sex offender present. What happens if he attempts to speak to you? How will you feel if he speaks to your DCs? Why should you keep the peace, when his family are glossing over what he's done? As far as Im concerned they should eff right off. It should be understood by them exactly why you and your DCs wont be attending. Tell them why, if you want to. If not then dont bother they dont deserve it. Im amazed that just because they want to condone crap, they have an expectation that you should, too.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I should bloody well hope you are denying your children a relationship with a child abuser and minimisers/apologists. I would be more concerned if you weren't.

[tiredlady]

I can't believe you are even considering this tbh.

This man sexually abused your children.

How can you possibly think this is even up for discussion.

There is no discussion.

How do you think your children would feel seeing the man who abused them. They would be terrified.
This is a no brainer OP.

[CookieDoughKid]

Yeah well. It's a fine line isn't it? If Uncle X was technically a minor - there's a good chance that he can be prevented from reoffending (OK - for the third time, doesn't make sense to me IMO) if he underwent special therapy. Which he did, so now the family thinks he's 'cured'.

All of this was kept under wrap from everyone in the family but Mil and Fil for a very long time because I was sensitive to my MIL (mother of Uncle X) who basically had a breakdown but blamed me for it all anyway.

Dh's has another brother Y - actually he is very close to him-but he knew nothing about the Peodo brother. When I finally told him and his long term gf what happened because I wasn't just wasn't happy about dc's being at family events, He wrote to me via email the following and I have pasted the following paragraphs word for word but shortened the long email.

"I wasn't aware of what went on, only that there had been an incident - which whilst its good to be informed of, I didn't necessarily need to know, so I'm not entirely sure why you felt I needed to be told. It seems from the information that you have provided, that things have been dealt with in an appropriate manner, and I am confident that there will be no recourse going forward.....

.....I'm not one to fall out with people, life is too short, but if you have any other revelations that my blood relatives have decided I need not know about, but that you feel you want to share, then do so with me and me alone please (not including my dp)."

It's really difficult as my dp thinks the world of his brother Y, they go away for weekends etc and he is the only member of family he really sees. But it's really difficult for me because I can't rationalist brother Y's response and I end up doing stupid stuff like throwing brother Y's birthday card he sent me in the bin.

[tiredlady]

Er no. It's not a fine line. Yes uncle X may well have been a minor, but that means nothing to your dc.
They were abused. Full stop.
Stay away from all of them, your dc need you. Your dp can do what he likes but he should be supporting you IMO

[waltermittymissus]

Brother Y is a wanker and has no business filtering what his dp sees or is made aware of!

He's another one you should have morning to do with.

[humphryscorner]

the dynamics of a family can be very strange.

If their family feel its ok to let this re offending child molester be around their children to at down what's happened in their own heads let them.

You keep your kids safe and stay away. He will re offend again. It's an illness.

Tbh though I wouldn't have needed to post on here it's a no brainer.

[humphryscorner]

Is your dp the children's father ? Sorry don't know back story.

[skyeskyeskye]

Brother Y sounds like a twat. What happens if X abuses his kids in a few years and he said but I should have been told about this.,,,, something like that should not be hidden from sibling!

[Sunnysummer]

This reads oddly. How are reasons 1 and 2 both about your own feelings (inability to behave) and then the sexual abuse of your children only comes #3? In this circumstance, surely this reason is the only one even worth mentioning? Is this for real?

If this is real, then of course you shouldn't go.

[Donkeyok]

Holey shit. There is nothing positive in having family if the are colluding with a known sex offender (cant spell pedo). You are best not ever going how can it ever be positive if they are not protecting your dc. You have your dh support. Here no family is better than that family. So sorry for you all. You need to get out so that it can start to be in the past and not an everlasting saga where you are blamed! What will dc say later if you did stay in touch. You are doing the right thing. Don't look back. Look forward.