To be sat here close to tears after a row with DM

[Sparklymommy]

Ok background:

We live together. My mum, her dh, me my dh and our four kids. We share bills and things. My money is paid weekly. DMs and her hubby's is paid monthly.

I pay the mortgage. She pays two other bills (all of which are in her name) which amount to just over the mortgage. We split the CT. I pay tv license, sky, nigh on all the electric and petrol for the households one car (my hubby is the sole driver).

Tomorrow is her pay day. She agreed, a few months ago, to pay £200 a month towards housekeeping (I am in charge of the shopping and as I have cash readily available during the month that works). However every month she argues it. And i never get it. She says I take her money off her every month (I don't).

Tonight's argument is because I asked her to pay me £200 towards a bill tomorrow. She agreed to give me £100 towards housekeeping this month. Now she is arguing it. And she says I already owe her £30. (I think it's £20 but am not going to quibble over £10). She forgets I paid her husbands hospital transport, TWICE this month at a cost of £36.

I have pointed out to her that she has, in the space of the last 12 months, signed MY DD1 up to 2 extra curricular activities with the magic words "I'll pay". She hasn't. These activities have cost me £37 per week because she hasn't paid them and "dd1 NEEDS to do them"! When I said this she said she gives me £100 a month! I tried to point out that's meant to be housekeeping. Not for extra curriculars!

I am now sat here trying not to cry. She has gone out and seriously thinks I am bu because I have asked her for £200. She says I have more money than her. She doesn't realise that there are 6 of us and only 2 of them to provide for. She's always buying the "nice" stuff. Treats for the kids and what not and makes me feel awful but I geniunely cannot afford to after I've paid everything else. I don't know how to make her see how rubbish she is making me feel and et she feels like I'm stealing from her or taking off her all the time. I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

I think you need to move out, would that be an option?

Do you have to live together?

You might have to think about moving out or asking your mum to.

I could not live with my parents again.

Sounds hideous

Does your dh want to live with your mum?

If you can't move out then you all need to.sort down and calmy sort out the finances in a better way. No accusations, just a statement that "this isn't working" and take it from there.

You and your DH need to to get out, rent, and take responsibility for your own family. I don't blame her or you for being fed up in these circumstances.

Whose house it it ? I think you need to have a serious re-evaluation of your way of living as it sounds like it just isnt working

Why don't you write a budget? List everything , bills, mortgage, maintenace and so on, agree a split and each lay your monthly amount into a dedicated joint account

Can one of the family units move out? Sorry that's not v helpful bit I can't really see it working if she is like that.

£200 a month for housekeeping is nothing.

What is she expecting to pay?

What does housekeeping cover?

She sounds slightly awful actually. Signing your DC's up to activities you can't afford, grandly saying she'll pay and then not doing so, is utterly wanky behaviour.

Don't let her manipulate you into paying for stuff you can't afford and wouldn't have signed up for. It's a really shitty thing for her to do.

sorry but I cant think of anything worse than getting older and having your dd, her hubby and her 4 kids move in with you (shudder)....

move out op, do the decent thing.

....or, I guess, having a dh and 4 kids and your mum and her dh moving in with you.....

whose house was it first op?

We moved back in six years ago. And normally we get along fine. We were renting before and it seemed daft, paying two lots of bills when we spent the majority of our time together. And it does work.

Dh, DM and DSD all work, and I am in charge of the house and kids. Technically the house belongs to mum, but the idea is that it is a safe and secure home for the children and everyone living in it for as long as they want/need it. To be fair, pretty much all the money goes into the house or on the children. It's the biggest bust up we've had in at least 3 years. And it will blow over. I'm just upset because she always makes out like I'm asking her for more than is fair and she doesn't realise that without me she would only eat for 1 week out of 4!

I think you need to have a spreadsheet with all payments in and all major costs. Receipt in any payments and then when she says that she has paid for everything you have in black and white what she's actually Paid.

Actually I think one family group should move out but that may not be possible.

Can you write it all down? Sometimes seeing it makes it clearer iyswim.

I think, as others have said, you need to move out.

Ooh, good idea about sitting down and doing a budget.

Have you tried this?

It is brilliant. If you can sit down and work your way through it and then show your DM the reality of what it costs to maintain a household, she might realise how unfair she's being.

Unless of course, she means to be unfair.

is online shopping an option? Then each of you could alternate paying for a week's shop, keep the print outs showing who paid, and you can see it's fair.
tell the school to only allow you and your DH to sign up for any activities.
but in the long run, i would move out. she sounds inconsiderate and not very motherly to be griping over bills and 'pretending' to forget to pay tbh. i cannot stop my parents paying for things for me and DC even if I physically restrain them!
what does your DH think of the situation?

I understand the situation totally. My parents both live with me (in my house) and I pay the majority of everything...but all I get from them is how much they give me. Not to mention how much they do around the house (ok, quite a lot as I work ft). They have decorated the house to suit their tastes, dominate the TV etc. People tell me to move out but it's my house and I can't afford to pay rent and the mortgage (cos I would still be expected to pay that). Or tell them to move out....but they are in their 80's....and can't afford to pay rent, so I would have to pay it for them. It's a nightmare and saying move out is way too simplistic a suggestion, I'm afraid. OP I feel your pain.

still think the op and her dh need to move out

josephinebruce thank you for understanding!

Moving out isn't an option. It was a choice we made. To be fair without her we would struggle. I love her really. Just letting off steam!

Any way of opening a joint bank account? Or keeping food completely seperate? Bonkers to do it that way, I know, but after a month of having to pay for her own food she may backtrack.

Good grief "Without me she would only eat 1 week inf 4".

Are you serious? How much are you saving by foisting yourselves on her?

Get a grip, let her live her later years in peace without this stress.

Take some responsibility!

olgafa I am not saving anything living with her really. My outgoings are now larger than they were when we rented. And she wants us to live with her. For the record she was recently 50. Hardly her "later years". Seriously, within a week of being paid she has run out of funds. Therefore without us she wouldn't eat. Or have electric. We are on a Key meter. She also relies HEAVILY on my husband to play taxi for her. I am not here because I want to save money, it I a lifestyle choice we made as a family and without us she would have lost the house as her own circumstances changed dramatically shortly after we moved in.