To be sat here close to tears after a row with DM

[Sparklymommy]

Ok background:

We live together. My mum, her dh, me my dh and our four kids. We share bills and things. My money is paid weekly. DMs and her hubby's is paid monthly.

I pay the mortgage. She pays two other bills (all of which are in her name) which amount to just over the mortgage. We split the CT. I pay tv license, sky, nigh on all the electric and petrol for the households one car (my hubby is the sole driver).

Tomorrow is her pay day. She agreed, a few months ago, to pay £200 a month towards housekeeping (I am in charge of the shopping and as I have cash readily available during the month that works). However every month she argues it. And i never get it. She says I take her money off her every month (I don't).

Tonight's argument is because I asked her to pay me £200 towards a bill tomorrow. She agreed to give me £100 towards housekeeping this month. Now she is arguing it. And she says I already owe her £30. (I think it's £20 but am not going to quibble over £10). She forgets I paid her husbands hospital transport, TWICE this month at a cost of £36.

I have pointed out to her that she has, in the space of the last 12 months, signed MY DD1 up to 2 extra curricular activities with the magic words "I'll pay". She hasn't. These activities have cost me £37 per week because she hasn't paid them and "dd1 NEEDS to do them"! When I said this she said she gives me £100 a month! I tried to point out that's meant to be housekeeping. Not for extra curriculars!

I am now sat here trying not to cry. She has gone out and seriously thinks I am bu because I have asked her for £200. She says I have more money than her. She doesn't realise that there are 6 of us and only 2 of them to provide for. She's always buying the "nice" stuff. Treats for the kids and what not and makes me feel awful but I geniunely cannot afford to after I've paid everything else. I don't know how to make her see how rubbish she is making me feel and et she feels like I'm stealing from her or taking off her all the time. I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

Well get out then!

Yep as Olgaga said, suck it up or move out.

You did also just say "without her we would struggle". I think you need to miove out, take responsibility for your own decisions.

You say your mum is 50. Maybe it's time to give her a break. She's done her bit.

Why is it not an option to move out

Seems like an odd set up to me, why don't you just buy food for your family and your mum and her dh buy their own?!

I think if co-habiting is to work the money side of things needs to be fair and at the min it doesn't sound like it is. I love my mum but couldn't live with her

Sit down and write everything down. All the bills and the money. Split it equally. Tell her to pay her share.

Write everything down - including the approx cost of DH acting as taxi and any childcare they do for you.

Perhaps try and have a book where you list all money exchanges - and get both parties to sign when done? So people don't forget or think they've handed money over and haven't.

Do a budget and have all the facts and figure to present at a calm family meeting. Do this regularly so everyone everyone knows where the money is going.

As it sound like she is bad with money - perhaps try and get agreed amount of her immediately? try and get an agreement that all activities the DC do that need paying need prior agreement and discussion and try and get the DC to understand that to.

List all the positive things living with them brings - I image having help with the DC must be a help and remember these.

If none of that works and you really aren't better of financially living together - put your DC and DH and you first and look at all your options regarding moving out.

50 !

I think the only way is to write all the bills down and then discuss the outgoings and who pays what, don't say its because shes being unfair, just say your money is tight and you need to see where you can save, don't spend money on food if she doesn't give it to you then she will see you need it. Hope yo feel better soonx

Perish the thought.

You are clearly made of sterner stuff than me!

This is totally unsolvable financially. Sharing a house and finances like this doesn't work. The only thing could be is to write down every single expense of the household on a spreadsheet and try and work out what is a fair amount. But you might both have different ideas on what is fair.

This is my idea of hell. But one thing you can and should do is cancel DD's activity, if you can't afford it. Your daughter, your choice.

I would think having a kitty purse that money is paid into every month would be easier - then she will see you putting cash into the purse as well.

If you have to put in £100 for each adult and £33 for each child

Household bills, sit and write all the bills down and sit around the table and then decide not on who pays which bill but how much you pay each of the total over the year - then have a seperate account that you both put money into and from this account the bills get paid Ct mortgage, electric, gas, tv licence, sky, extra curriculum activities etc so if the total is £12045 per year divide by 12 and you have a monthly outgoing of 522.50 each plus the housekeeping.

That way you all pay a fair share

As for moving out - if you want to start a thread about whether you shoudl move out or not I will gladly answer the question - but as you didn't ask the question I will try not to answer it