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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be upset at not being included.

40 replies

GroupieGirl · 25/09/2013 18:26

I have completely lost all sight of where on the scale of Reasonably Upset->Pettily Childish I now sit. Please help. gently

My husband and I are students at the same University and have a group of mutual student friends (of varying degrees of maturity), some of whom knew him first, a couple of whom are genuinely mutual.

He was invited to play poker tonight with two male friends, no problem. I was a bit peeved to be told he was going out rather than asked about my plans with a view to him going out, but that's par for the course as it is an accepted fact in our house that I have no life.

The upsetting part is finding out that it is three of our male friends, and one female (so, most of them). My husband deliberately avoided telling me she was going (because he knew it would upset me), she has not contacted me all week to either invite me, or suggest something else we can do together.

She has form for this, I think. There have been several occasions where she gets together with one man in particular (and sometimes his wife), and me and my husband are never invited. She does, however, lay on the guilt trip with me on a semi-regular basis about not having enough 'girl time'.

I am really confused as to whether it's reasonable to be hurt by all this (and her actions particularly), or if I should just let it go (or both).

I suppose I should add, in the interest of fairness, that I am the only one who doesn't play poker. But I don't see why that would have stopped me going anyway, or at least being offered the invitation.

OP posts:

thebody · 25/09/2013 18:29

'it's an accepted fact in our house that I have no life'

why?

JustBecauseICan · 25/09/2013 18:29

Yep. You're being a bit mad.

I think we can say you are a teeny bit jealous of this woman and think she is going to try and pinch your man right there at the poker table?

You weren't invited because I am guessing the people who do play poker would think you'd be bored bloody stiff watching people play cards. (if that is what they are really doing and not stripping nekkid on the card table of course.....)

JustBecauseICan · 25/09/2013 18:31

But......having reread....if it is true that he doesn't include you in stuff that you want to be included in, then obviously there is Something Up.

You need to focus on that, not this woman though.

edam · 25/09/2013 18:31

If you don't play poker, why would you want to go to a poker night?

digerd · 25/09/2013 18:32

Hmm. I woman and 3 men playing poker together. Is this in a pub or are they alone?
But YABU to expect an invite when you don't play poker.
Do the other 2 men have partners and if so what do they think being excluded?

cees · 25/09/2013 18:32

Well since you don't play poker then YABU sorry but why would anyone ask you if they know you don't play.

You could have arranged something with another friend for tonight also stop issuing invites to the girl who leaves you out all the time.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/09/2013 18:33

Why do you have no life?

Why would you want to watch them play poker?

thebody · 25/09/2013 18:34

watching others play poker is the definition of no life.

ring your other friends and go out with them.

Original poster

GroupieGirl · 25/09/2013 18:37

I have no life because I find making friends difficult, that's why I'm focusing on the woman I suppose, because I feel like our friendship might be more one-sided than I thought.

I'm not jealous, per se, although I envy her single life, when I'm stuck at home with the toddler. I don't suspect her and my husband of anything other than sharing interests.

It's not the poker night, really. I imagine there will be a lot more drinking and chatting than there will be poker, and I'm quite good at those things sometimes!

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 25/09/2013 18:38

I hear you. It isn't nice when you're always the mug who gets left at home with the kids.

Original poster

GroupieGirl · 25/09/2013 18:40

watching others play poker is the definition of no life

You might be right!

ring your other friends and go out with them

There aren't many, I'm afraid. A significant proportion are playing poker!

OP posts:

Rowlers · 25/09/2013 18:41

I understand where you are coming from, op.
Even if you don't play poker, I would have invited you, had it been my evening with a sort of "are you sure? we can teach you! it will be fun" kind of approach.
It's hardly as if they are going to sit playing poker in silence is it?

I can't work out the other woman thing though.

thebody · 25/09/2013 18:43

oh dear didn't realise that and you had a child.

no that's upsetting and you and dh need to chat about this. can you get a babysitter? text this girl friend and arrange a night out next week while ds stays home.

meanwhile stay home, get chocolate/ wine/ DVD and enjoy your 'me' time.

Ragwort · 25/09/2013 18:44

But if the main purpose of the evening is to play poker, with a bit of drinking & chatting thrown in, why on earth would you want to go? . Sorry if it sounds harsh but you appear to be a bit needy.

Why don't you organise another evening doing something you can all enjoy - or invite them all round to your house for drinks and supper ?

Or find other friends or a club that you would enjoy, can't think of anything worse than going out with my Dh & a load of poker playing people . There must be loads of organisations at your university, there must be something that you would like to do where you will meet friends - happiest days of my life flitting from one 'soc' to another .

BackforGood · 25/09/2013 18:48

I'd be edging towards the petty childishness, I'm afraid.

I don't understand why you would want, or expect to be invited to an evening playing poker, when you don't play poker

I go to things my dh doesn't go to, and he goes to things I don't go to. Shock horror - sometimes there are even people of the opposite sex there but, IME, that doesn't somehow translate to "oh, they must be there to steal my dh away"

Rowlers · 25/09/2013 18:55

OP hasn't said she thinks the other woman is trying to steal her husband though.
It's a group of friends.
They are socialising and she's not been invited.

Original poster

GroupieGirl · 25/09/2013 19:08

Alright, I accept that I am being a tiny bit unreasonable about the poker!

And as I, apparently, need to get better at having a life, Rowlers wanna get together and play snap? (I know how to play that one).

For the record, though, I really don't think that this woman and my husband are inventing poker games as an excuse to nip out for a shag. (Now, were I the wife of the other man...)

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 25/09/2013 19:58

You say this friend hasn't contacted you all week to invite you, but your husband didn't tell you she was going because it would upset you? . Why didn't he just bloody well invite you himself??

Rowlers · 25/09/2013 20:05

Yes Floggingmolly, good point. What does your husband say about it all? Does he think you're being unreasonable or does he feel a bit guilty?
Snap it is, Groupie!!! (plus some wine, surely...)

whois · 25/09/2013 20:09

I get it OP. if it were just 'the boys' it wouldn't feel like you're being left out. But the girl who you thought you were friends with is going, and its been kept a bit quiet so it hurts you weren't invited.

Um, maybe just try to forget about it this time and try and arrange to do something soon with a friend?

WafflyVersatile · 25/09/2013 20:19

Well on this particular thing, you don't play poker so I can see why there would be little point inviting you.

Perhaps your husband didn't mention her because he worried you might see it more that you are you being missed out than if it was just 'the lads'.

If you are the main carer or seen as being so because, you know, you're the woman and childcare is woman's work... combined with them being your DH's friends 'first' means that the male/female divide is a red herring. There doesn't actually have to be a reason why the two women in a group should have some special bond because fanjo. Although why she keeps saying about it I don't know. Do you actually pursue this when she suggests it? Maybe she says it but then thinks you're not interested?

Dunno. There is actually quite a lot to unpick there.

Fakebook · 25/09/2013 20:31

Unless they're playing strip poker, you don't really need to worry do you?

emsyj · 25/09/2013 20:40

Blimey, if DH and I had a group of mutual friends and he was invited to an evening out and I wasn't, and he kept it secret from me that most of the mutual friends were going because he knew I would be upset at not being invited, I would be pretty pissed off. Surely these people would expect your DH to say, 'Oh, there's a poker night on Wednesday, do you want to come?' Why didn't he ask if you wanted to join?

I think you need to get yourself some friends outside this group. Join an evening class or something and get out from your DH's shadow. Don't be reliant on these people to provide you with a social life because they're clearly not going to.

Oh, and if I have understood your posts correctly - your DH is not a very good friend to you.

Original poster

GroupieGirl · 25/09/2013 20:55

I think saying that my husband is not a good friend is a little harsh. He does think I'm being unreasonable - he, like some of you, feels that as I don't play poker it's a simple matter. I think there's more to it than that.

I think he does also feel a bit guilty, too, though. I have spoken to him about it, and to try to answer some questions, he didn't keep it a secret that male friend A invited him, nor that they were playing with male friend B. Just that when male friend C plus female friend were added, he didn't update me. Read into that what you will. He didn't invite me, he says, because he didn't feel it was his place. When I asked why he didn't simply say, "Just me? Or shall I ask Groupie?" he ummed and ahhed a lot!

maybe just try to forget about it this time and try and arrange to do something soon with a friend?

I think the simplest advice is the best. I shall try to let it go, distance myself from the female friend a bit (because either way, one of us is not a good friend to the other), and try to have more of a life.

Oh, and join an evening course? Lovely advice, but please reread the OP!

OP posts:

emsyj · 25/09/2013 20:57

"Oh, and join an evening course? Lovely advice, but please reread the OP!"

I did read the OP - and I've just re-read it, and your other posts... I don't know what you're referring to, sorry.

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