...to be upset at not being included.

[GroupieGirl]

I have completely lost all sight of where on the scale of Reasonably Upset->Pettily Childish I now sit. Please help. gently

My husband and I are students at the same University and have a group of mutual student friends (of varying degrees of maturity), some of whom knew him first, a couple of whom are genuinely mutual.

He was invited to play poker tonight with two male friends, no problem. I was a bit peeved to be told he was going out rather than asked about my plans with a view to him going out, but that's par for the course as it is an accepted fact in our house that I have no life.

The upsetting part is finding out that it is three of our male friends, and one female (so, most of them). My husband deliberately avoided telling me she was going (because he knew it would upset me), she has not contacted me all week to either invite me, or suggest something else we can do together.

She has form for this, I think. There have been several occasions where she gets together with one man in particular (and sometimes his wife), and me and my husband are never invited. She does, however, lay on the guilt trip with me on a semi-regular basis about not having enough 'girl time'.

I am really confused as to whether it's reasonable to be hurt by all this (and her actions particularly), or if I should just let it go (or both).

I suppose I should add, in the interest of fairness, that I am the only one who doesn't play poker. But I don't see why that would have stopped me going anyway, or at least being offered the invitation.

I'm a Uni student. I was merely trying to lighten the tone by pointing out that an evening course might be a bit of a busman's at the moment!

Oh, I see. I have done dressmaking, hairdressing, jewellery making, make-up & beauty therapy at evening classes - I don't think any of those are really a busman's holiday from university study (unless you are doing a creative course, in which case you could do maths or something). It's just an event to put in your calendar that gets you out of the house and puts you in the path of new people.

Point taken. We'll have to agree to disagree, though!

YABU. You don't play poker, so it's not unreasonable for you not to be invited. Your DH is being the secretive one, so pick him up on this rather than focusing on the woman who has, after all, done nothing worse than play poker and had the nerve to ask you about more girl time. Have you followed up on her suggestion?

This thing about it being an accepted fact that you have no life - Do you accept it or is it DH 's assumption?

I have spoken to him about this, yes.

The 'no life' was a bit of a joke. It is what it is, and unless you want me to go into more boring detail, there are many reasons why me 'getting out of the house' more (for fun) is just not workable at the moment.

Gotta love how MN turns 'I'm being a bit of a grumpy cow because I wasn't invited out to play with the other kids' into 'my husband's an arsehole who doesn't respect me.'

I think they choose not to invite you because you are difficult with bad manners

Am I?

I don't understand why this girl is 'not a good friend' because of this. (or your not her good friend. I'm not sure why the responsibility for this lies with her.

You expect the female friend to invite you to poker night (when it appears it wouldn't be her place to), you seem to begrudge her hanging out with another couple (and even hint that if you were the wife in that couple you'd worry about her), and haven't said if you've made the effort to actually do stuff with her. I don't get it.

I note that you've said you find making friends difficult. The comment you made about 'Lovely advice, but reread the OP' you say was meant to lighten the tone, but actually to me it came across as rather sarcastic and passive aggressive. I am honestly not trying to be horrible, but if you find making friends hard then maybe you lack awareness of how you come across? One thing that I regularly do is say stuff inside my head before I say it out loud, because I have a tendency to come across as abrupt and cutting. I don't want to come across in that way, so sometimes if I am not sure whether what I want to say may be a bit curt, I will think carefully about my choice of words and say it to myself first and maybe edit it. Especially in written format - because in emails or texts (and on MN!) you can't convey tone of voice or facial expressions. I have to be super-careful when sending written stuff and I quite often delete comments on Facebook without posting them in case they come over in the wrong way.

If you don't want to go to an evening class (sports club? cinema club? gym class?) then that's obviously up to you, but I will say that having friends takes work and effort and if you want to expand your circle you will have to do something to make that happen. Do you go to any toddler groups or anything? I have met some really nice mums at the children's centre, some of whom are now very good friends. You also have to put yourself out there and risk rejection, however the more you make the first move with others, the more people you will meet and get to know and then the less you will care whether your hand of friendship is rejected or not. A few months ago I met someone at a baby group and at the end of the last session I approached her in the car park with a bit of paper with my name and number on and just said, 'It was nice meeting you, I've written down my number if you ever want to get together'. I would never have been brave enough to do that 3 years ago but now I am really quite bold! Ten years ago I had no friends and no life, but you can make changes if it's what you want. Nothing's carved in stone, as my DMum would say. If you take some action to meet new people then this group will become less and less significant in your life, until the point when you realise you don't care whether they invite you - or even whether they like you.

I think gobby has kind of answered waffly's question. I was trying to say that the responsibility lies with one of us; it is either her not being a good friend to me, or I am unfairly blaming her, in which case, I am the ungenerous friend.

I didn't expect her to invite me, I do feel she kept it from me. I do make the effort to invite her out, or to try to spend time with her, I don't feel it's reciprocated.

The comment about the other wife/couple was uncalled for and rude. I apologise for that.

You make some good (and probably quite accurate) points, emsyj I will try to take some of that on board.

Groupie, she possibly isn't that great a friend, but it did seem like you didn't actually like her that much. I think you have put all your eggs in one basket wrt these friendships. Make the effort to meet more people. Apart from anything else, although it's good to share friends with your partner, it's not healthy to only have mutual friends.

I do make the effort to invite her out, or to try to spend time with her, I don't feel it's reciprocated.

IMO, friendships aren't like that though. I don't "make the effort" to invite my friends out or spend time with them - it's a pleasure to do so. If you don't have much in common / don't approve of one another / haven't taken to one another, then, as others have said, meet up with people you do like / get on with / enjoy the company of / share interests with.

haven't read all the posts so might be repeating but instead of getting stuck at home why can't your friends come to yours
have early tea, they can entertain toddler while some of you cook/get a takeaway, get toddler to bed and you can all play poker/chat be sociable adults
why all the odd exclusions and mixes of different couples or friends
if they are real friends then then they won't mind chumming all up together in a cosy kind of way
oh no that might just be on tv
sorry but life shouldn't be so complicated
I think you just need some big hugs and reassurance----and that is dh's job