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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't trust husband

41 replies

yvette7 · 25/09/2013 14:48

My 6 week old DD had been waking up at 1hr-2hr intervals all night. At 5.30am DH said he would put her down in her cot in the other room and leave her to cry. I wasn’t happy with this so went to get her after a few minutes. I found that he had left her with a duvet over her head covering her face. When I confronted him about this he said it was fine to do that because he could sleep ok under a duvet so why couldn’t she? Tried telling him about SIDS risk with what he had done and he called me a retard and said I was wrong. AIBU to think it is not ok to leave baby with a blanket over their head?

OP posts:
Boosterseat · 25/09/2013 14:50

He is wrong to call you a retard! How disgusting!
Does he usually treat you with such contempt?

Fivemoreminutesmummy · 25/09/2013 14:53

I think this is really dangerous- firstly that he did it and secondly that he refuses to admit the mistake. Please have a serious chat with him about the real risks of suffocation and then see how he reacts. He might benefit from a word with a professional so you could speak to your health visitor maybe.
Also he's a complete twunt for speaking to you like that.

VacantExpression · 25/09/2013 14:55

That's shocking. Both that anyone would think its ok to leave a baby like that and to speak to you like that. I'm sorry OP, he's an idiot. Please sit down with him and talk this through.

ilikebaking · 25/09/2013 14:59

Can men get PND?
Because, and I am sorry to say this, it sounds like he did it deliberately. Maybe to 'shut up' the baby?
His reaction and general attitude worry me.
Please don't flame me, am 33 weeks with my 1st and a bit emotional, just worried for this poor baby girl.

petalsandstars · 25/09/2013 15:10

Horrendous, with all the information about feet to foot and not letting covers go over babies heads due to SIDS risk he is putting your baby in danger. Sorry to be blunt.

Speaking to you like that is another issue which needs addressing however.

At such a young age babies cannot control their limbs so if they were in difficulty they would have no means to get out from underneath a blanket. I wouldn't use a duvet at this age anyway - baby sleeping bags are my saviour for a LO who wriggles.

My DC gets very distressed if they have something over their face accidentally as there is nothing they can do about it. And at 6 weeks personally I would still want baby in the room with me to check on through the night.

No offence intended but you need to get across to him how serious this is.

Holio · 25/09/2013 15:38

Shit that's fucking terrible. How could he?!

Crinkle77 · 25/09/2013 15:46

What? Is he demented?

Cuddlydragon · 25/09/2013 15:48

Hells Bells. That's awful, I wouldn't trust him with the baby at all if he can't accept how risky that behaviour is. Your baby is still tiny and vulnerable to overheating and being unable to free herself.

ButterMyArse · 25/09/2013 15:48

That is horrendous. What are you going to do?

HumphreyCobbler · 25/09/2013 15:50

This is appalling. Completely unacceptable to leave a baby in this situation. Very dangerous.

YANBU not to trust him with her if he can't understand or accept that this is dangerous and wrong.

Calling you names is another thing that needs to stop.

Cuddlydragon · 25/09/2013 15:51

It's also not recommended that baby sleeps other than in the same room at night and for naps until 6 months. At 6 weeks she could be going through a growth spurt and being hungrier than usual so she might be waking hungry?

gamerchick · 25/09/2013 15:52

Reading that horrified me. If that's his attitude I fear you're going to run into some serious problems.

Please never ever leave your baby alone with him.

Pollydon · 25/09/2013 15:53

Get hv to speak to him - that's madness, and as for the way he spoke to you Angry

Hawkmoth · 25/09/2013 15:54

I wouldn't be leaving him with the baby until he had a less dangerous attitude to looking after her. Whether this is through his own research or through help from your health visitor, he needs to know how serious what he did was.

I hope for your sake that he is just stupid, but the nastiness towards you would suggest otherwise.

karinmaria · 25/09/2013 15:55

This has given me chills. He did what?! And then called you a retard? WTF?!

Please ask the health visitor to come and visit to refresh him in safe sleeping practices and newborn care. You don't have to tell them exactly why. Perhaps hearing it from a professional will help.

At six weeks my DS was still sleeping on me at that time in the morning. He had what seemed like a million growth spurts and only snuggling me and skin to skin would relax him. That and feeding!

Good luck.

mrstigs · 25/09/2013 16:00

Absolutely tell the health visitor, in front of him. If he thinks its ok he won't need it kept a secret will he. And i personally wouldnt trust him with her right now. SIDS is a very very real threat to small babies and he is taking massive risks. She has no one to advocate for her but you, she can't help herself right now.
And you do not ever deserve such horrible words, even if you were wrong.

phantomnamechanger · 25/09/2013 16:00

he sounds incredibly selfish, immature and disrespectful TBH Sad

how can he be so vile to the mother of his tiny baby?

seriously, he should be wanting to learn and know so much about caring for your LO, and all he can do is be a danger to her then abuse you! God I pity you.

Original poster
yvette7 · 25/09/2013 16:01

Thanks for that. Think health visitor may be the way to go. She does sleep in a crib in our room but have cot for when she is bigger in the other room as got a furniture package from babies r us. Think she is having growth spurt as still feeding 2 hrly this afternoon.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/09/2013 16:02

SIDS advice is to keep baby in the same room as you for all sleeps until six months. She shouldn't have a duvet, just a blanket or age appropriate sleeping bag.

I'd be furious with him. Print out stuff about SIDS and shove it under his nose. As for calling you a retard? That's disgusting. Having a newborn is hard work, they wake up at night, that's what they do, but he needs to be a team with you.

karinmaria · 25/09/2013 16:05

On reflection, I'm with mrstigs about telling the HV. Hopefully it's just inexperience but don't leave your baby with him.

And you need to talk about how he speaks to you and treats you.

mummymeister · 25/09/2013 16:07

its hard to believe with all the info out there that there are still people who have no idea about this. if you are worried then buy her a baby sleeping bag so no need to put covers over her or inadvertently cover her head with a duvet. having a small baby can get really grim especially when they aren't sleeping and he doesn't really seem to be ready for this. find him a leaflet from your health visitor and bring up the issues of trust and mutual respect. if being offensive to you is out of character then clearly it is because he is so tired. if this is typical then don't put up with it.

Mojavewonderer · 25/09/2013 16:09

Hmmm I probably wouldn't leave him alone with the baby...

Ezio · 25/09/2013 16:20

I'd never leave a man alone again with my baby if he think thats ok, she could have overheated or suffocated.

In fact, i'd probably leave, that justs me.

WilsonFrickett · 25/09/2013 16:56

She is six weeks old. She's supposed to wake every couple of hours.

I wouldn't leave him alone with the baby tbh.

In fact, any man who used offensive language like that to me and put my child at risk like that, I wouldn't leave him alone with me.

TapTapBangBang · 25/09/2013 16:58

Exactly what *fivemoreminutes' said.