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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask nursery to drop the concerns re playing with others.

39 replies

BerryGood · 25/09/2013 11:55

Ds is just 3, he's happy and I think you could describe him as bang on average in development across the range. However he's started school nursery and immediately I've got the concern he plays alone. Two private nurseries raised this too.

I was there today, it's as I see at playgroups. He's very happy, lots of getting engrossed with toys (he has a range of interests, could be animals, cars, fire engines, water, paint..if we'd been to a farm it could be animals for example). He plays alone, but has no negative interaction, if another child joins him he doesn't snatch, can share, often handing them a toy if they ask. His language is average for his age, communicates needs and follows nursery instructions well. At home he has the odd temper tantrum but is generally a very mild 'good' child. He stops activities if asked and can be easily distracted. He doesn't object to others at all. Outside nursery he has 3-4 friends he plays with well, role play, running...all the usual. He's known these a long time and they are the few kids he picked out over the years through playgroups/ park etc as special friends. They are quite diverse in age, gender and ethnicity, just simply kids who get on.

Now I can't see a problem at all. He's very happy all day. However this is the third nursery to home in on him and try to develop play skills and raise concerns. The only time he has ever been upset at nursery is after extended forced interaction, for example over and over being dragged over to play dolls or another non-interest with girls who are very ahead for their age in language or pairing with kids who have no language at all.

Now am I missing something? Was IBU today to ask nursery to leave him be and stop telling me he plays alone? I went in for an hour and I can't see the issue at all. He's not obsessive/ follows instructions/ happy/ learning/ joins in group time etc.

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 25/09/2013 12:04

I think that if three nurseries have said the same thing then perhaps it's time to listen. It really sounds like your explaining everything away with stuff that really shouldn't make a difference at three. A toy is a toy, and if he's not interacted with them before he wouldn't know the language barrier he would just talk to them.

Just see what nursery has to say and accept the help as it can't hurt and if there's not a problem then great no harm done.

Whatever they plan to do won't hurt him on anyway and there's nothing to loose.

Could well be nothing but you sound worried and in denile tbh.

hettienne · 25/09/2013 12:04

If three separate nurseries have raised this then I'd wonder if they're seeing something you are not. Can you press the school nursery to get someone better qualified (eg. ed psych) to observe him and decide one way or another if there is an issue?

Lweji · 25/09/2013 12:04

My DS was like that at 3 at nursery.

As he has grown older he has managed to make friends.
It's usually a small group, but they seem strong.
A bit like me.

I'd only worry in a couple of years.

Lweji · 25/09/2013 12:13

School and other places also report DS as being quiet.

I'm happy that he is capable of being by himself, but enjoys time with other children.

What exactly are they worried about? Do they suspect something in particular?

BerryGood · 25/09/2013 12:18

They've never said anything beyond he plays alone. No talk to EP or anyone else, just lots of forced interaction.

I think he's a happy loner personally, like his parents. No signs of ASD for example (I'm a SENCO myself, but not in a nursery)

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BerryGood · 25/09/2013 12:19

He's not quiet as such btw, he'll respond if spoken to or asked about his game.

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Mumof3xx · 25/09/2013 12:20

Nurseries are required to monitor children across seven areas of development, not interacting with peers is probably making your son low in the the personal social and emotional area

Ask for a meeting with his key person? What do they suggest?

BerryGood · 25/09/2013 12:25

I know the areas pretty well, he would score low as (in nursery) he's not established a special relationship with a child. Outside he has though.

I see his key worker frequently, they're not concerned to the point of requesting outreach input...yet feel compelled to constantly tell me about him playing alone and direct his play. I wouldn't even say no if they did want independent advice, as at least (I believe) it would establish he's fine!

He's just so...average. No areas I'd pick as ahead or behind really, your average mild mannered little boy who's one of four and no bother at all. Very happy generally, very loving and caring for siblings/ friends.

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nannynick · 25/09/2013 12:25

If it is just about playing with others then ask tem to reassess it every 3 months.

If there are other concerns - speech/language, pointing, physical movement, fine motor skills, then nursery should continue to look at it and refer it for specialist assessment. Catching things early can mean that early intervention techniques are tried. It does not mean you get a diagnosis and labeled for life.

Meanwhile nursery can take initial steps in helping him interact with other children such as by creating games that require cooporation. Though that does not need to happen all the time, just tried say once a week.

KillerOfThreads · 25/09/2013 12:30

My DC was the same, due to shyness. nursery weren't bothered in the slightest and towards the end of the year she found a small group of friends she was happy to play with. But that wasn't until the last few months. I raised it with nursery a couple of times and they told me not to worry!

Mumof3xx · 25/09/2013 12:30

Unfortunately nursery can only assess on what they see. He could be a total social butterfly at home but if they can't see it they can't really count it.

Nurseries are required to take action and address things when children are underachieving, they can be downgraded by ofsted if they don't. By keeping in contact with you over this they are covering their own backs

BerryGood · 25/09/2013 12:31

His motor skills are good, scribbled, just manages zips, jumps, holds positions etc.
Speech and Language is average, slight lisp but nothing else to note. For example I just asked him to get a blue sweater and he got his red one and 'said 'how about this one mummy? I don't want blue today' (he was 3 in july)

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BerryGood · 25/09/2013 12:33

Personally, thinking about it, I'd mark him down has having special relationships at nursery. He may not play/ talk much to children but I saw him showing care today. For example he got a towel for a girl who was struggling to reach it and patted a boy who slipped until the adult arrived.

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StinkyElfCheese · 25/09/2013 12:34

my 3 yr olds would only play by themselves (twins) not even with each other, nursery would always rasie the he dosnt seem to be playing with anyone not even his brother....

If another child comes to play with them that's fine they will both share and can take turns they just both like to start there own games.

DT's are 4 and at school now both play with other children but seem to prefere playing on there own or at least in games they have started

Mumof3xx · 25/09/2013 12:35

How long has he been at the nursery op?

hettienne · 25/09/2013 12:36

I would insist that if they think there is a concern, they get someone to come and assess him. If he is fine then they can drop it.

Choos123 · 25/09/2013 12:37

You are most probably right but whatever I and dh thought, I'd ask them what they proposed to do about these comments or what they were suggesting you do bout it, three different places would be much too much for me to ignore. If there is any issue even if it seems unlikely, the earlier it gets investigated, the better.

hettienne · 25/09/2013 12:37

I also work in early years and have never heard talk of scoring a child low or of them underachieving at 3!

Mumof3xx · 25/09/2013 12:39

Hettienne do you not track the children in your setting across seven areas?

BerryGood · 25/09/2013 12:44

He's been there a few weeks, it's just the same concern again. He's just been a sod shown little interest with nursery friends. At soft play or the park he finds a mate in seconds. I think he's because he has such a wealth of toys there he plays with them, remove the toys and he finds children!

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Mumof3xx · 25/09/2013 12:45

Berry perhaps just ask them to give him a few more weeks

PatButchersEarring · 25/09/2013 12:46

I think he sounds absolutely delightful, and quite possibly, as you say, will grow up to be someone who enjoys his own company. As a SENCO, you clearly know the markers for a possible ASD.

I think with the best will in the world, sometimes nursery workers etc are very eager to look for potential problems where there are none.

If they have already informed you and they don't think it's an issue to the extent of involving the Ed Psych, then yes, I would politely ask them to drop it.

I don't see 'potentially being an introvert' as a problem that needs somehow modifying. Rather, it is just is just a character trait, and in my opinion, a rather nice one at that.

funnyossity · 25/09/2013 12:46

He sounds lovely!

I am posting to say I had this raised about one of my sons. It upset me unnecessarily, you sound far more sensible than me!

My son never established a relationship due to the nursery either much to the nursery teacher's concern. A friend's son changed to his session and he played with him and the nursery teacher was thrilled. Hey ho!

I was irritated that she hadn't enquired how he was out in normal life and presented her observations as "worrying". Taken in the round they were well within the bounds of normal.

I'm a relative introvert, I suppose my son is too. (Do you think cultures that value quietness like the Japanese have a different set of criteria to judge their 3 year-olds by?Wink)

PatButchersEarring · 25/09/2013 12:49

Funny

Absolutely! I think it is more a reflection of a society that has a negative view on introverts.

BerryGood · 25/09/2013 12:50

lol funnyossity...we're not english! Got me thinking, it would be a foreign concept back home to remark on play skills!

He's confident lad, but just doesn't seek social interaction.

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