To ask nursery to drop the concerns re playing with others.

[BerryGood]

Ds is just 3, he's happy and I think you could describe him as bang on average in development across the range. However he's started school nursery and immediately I've got the concern he plays alone. Two private nurseries raised this too.

I was there today, it's as I see at playgroups. He's very happy, lots of getting engrossed with toys (he has a range of interests, could be animals, cars, fire engines, water, paint..if we'd been to a farm it could be animals for example). He plays alone, but has no negative interaction, if another child joins him he doesn't snatch, can share, often handing them a toy if they ask. His language is average for his age, communicates needs and follows nursery instructions well. At home he has the odd temper tantrum but is generally a very mild 'good' child. He stops activities if asked and can be easily distracted. He doesn't object to others at all. Outside nursery he has 3-4 friends he plays with well, role play, running...all the usual. He's known these a long time and they are the few kids he picked out over the years through playgroups/ park etc as special friends. They are quite diverse in age, gender and ethnicity, just simply kids who get on.

Now I can't see a problem at all. He's very happy all day. However this is the third nursery to home in on him and try to develop play skills and raise concerns. The only time he has ever been upset at nursery is after extended forced interaction, for example over and over being dragged over to play dolls or another non-interest with girls who are very ahead for their age in language or pairing with kids who have no language at all.

Now am I missing something? Was IBU today to ask nursery to leave him be and stop telling me he plays alone? I went in for an hour and I can't see the issue at all. He's not obsessive/ follows instructions/ happy/ learning/ joins in group time etc.

I am not yet a parent but have a slight input into this sort of thing. I study a course at university where we cover a lot of this sort of thing. At 3, your son is still very young and developing his different skills, i.e, interacting with others, playing alone etc...
I have a younger relative, now aged 6, who at age 3 would often play alone. She did not mix and play with other children very often and we used to worry about her. But she was a very happy child so we tried not to force anything onto her. Now, at school, she is a very popular child within her class and has made a few 'best friends' I would honestly say she is like a different child. I would not worry too much just yet as he is still very young. I think if he continues to play alone and not make many friends when he starts school, that is when you should start to be concerned. But I think he is just being a normal toddler!

My dd (now 18) didn't play with the other kids.

I asked her why more recently and she said she just didn't like them much. The group she was with were very full on/shouty/grabby normal 3 year olds and she preferred to do her own thing.

She still prefers to do her own thing but is slightly more sociable now.

OP, your ds sounds absolutely lovely. You know him best.

Mumof3 - of course, but have never heard terminology used such as underachieving or scored low in regards to children's development. I assume you don't work in early years yourself?

He sounds fine.

I'm a happy loner and used to resent people's repeated attempts to get me to play with others, interact, fit in etc.

I have several close friends and prefer not to interact socially and I'm fine. Being a loner isn't: a disease, a disability, something to be embarrassed about, something to having counselling over, something to be beaten out of somebody or something shameful.

My ds2 has no friends in his class. He just has nothing in common with them. He has a couple of friends in other years and one friend out of school. He's fine. Not everyone is gregarious.

In your position, I would ask the nursery to give you some more information about precisely what their 'concerns' are ie what's the difference between your ds and his interactions and what they would expect from a child of just turned 3. Also, precisely what they are considering may be causing these identified differences and finally what they're planning to do about it. This could be reviewing in a few weeks for example.

Just from reading your posts, it does seem like these 3 different settings have individually identified something in your sons behaviour which may or may not indicate an underlying problem, and that in this situation I would take it on board and try to work with them about a way forward rather than finding reasons for them being wrong iyswim.

Having said that, a vague 'concern' isn't helpful - it just spawns worry - so it would be better if they were more specific.

Best of luck.

Put it down to local oddities then BerryGood!

Yes nannyneo my boy is now a 7 year old having great fun with friends.

Have they got any actual suggestions or is it just a free-floating concern, which isn't going to help you much.

If they are concerned, there are things they can do (gently) to encourage him to play with others. I know my dd's old nursery did this for a little girl who seemed a "loner" at about 3 and by the end she was the most popular child in the group.

My daughter is a little bit prone to playing on her own too. She doesn't always seem that interested in what other people are doing, but she will play with other children very happily as and when.

It doesn't sound like a big problem, but it might be worth asking them what they can do to help him join in.

christianarosetti your post seems very sensible but can I just point out that the three setting are not that different to each other, they are large groups of unknown same age children.

I understand both sides of the story.

If it's just who he is (I am quiet, and not particularly sociable; have a few very close friends; choose to spend time alone and am quite happy etc.), then that's fine. I was made to feel constantly anxious as a child because my parents always wanted me to find other people to spend time with when I was happiest pottering by myself. You sound like you're prepared to just let him be him, which is fantastic :)

However, as a SENCO, you'll know that it takes quite a level of concern before parents are notified of concerns: I'd want to know what the nursery plan to do about it - explain that three nurseries have commented and that you'd like outside involvement to get a clear answer because, if this is something which is likely to be picked up all the way through school, having a 'clean bill of health' from an Ed. Psych. now will mean that you don't spend seven years arguing with school/nursery about it.

There is a big difference between choosing to socially interact and not having the ability to interact with peers. You as a parent can see his interactions and friendship out of nursery environment, whereas the nursery do not have this privilege, this must happen to you as a senco the school seeing problems and the parents do not and vice versa. I am a trust your instincts sort of person so trust yourself and if not concerned just politely ask to monitor but as this present moment do not force the issue.

No you can't ask them to drop their concerns - part of their job is to observe your child and record their observations. They are also obliged to discuss significant concerns with yourself.

That doesn't mean you have to worry about it, or pay them any heed, or agree to any intervention they suggest. That's your choice.

My friend kept getting this said to her about her dc, now year 4. The dc is on the shy side but no social problems whatsoever. Just likes playing on their own a fair bit. Also plays with others and has a good group of friends. Some just socialise more a bit later. I wouldn't describe them as an introvert - just sort of has a bit of an independent streak (like the mum) and doesn't need friends around her all the time - just as happy to entertain herself.

He sounds like his behaving like a normal three year old to me. My Nephew went to a Montessori nursery when he was 3.5 and my brother removed him because they had 'concerns'. He didn't want this investigated or for him to be labelled at such a young age so he removed him. He is now 7 and is the most confident, loud, popular child I've ever met, other than my brother who was similar as a child.

My 2.5 year old is very anti-social, I take her to a toddler play group and she has zero interest in other children but at the same time she is very bold, self assured focused on the activities rather than the people. Equally, she puts up no fight if another child wants something she is playing with, she just walks off. I have a 6 year old that was/is the complete opposite so I just assume she is fairly anti-social like me.

My DS (3 years 1 month) is like this. He started preschool about 3 weeks ago; the nursery have mentioned that he tends to play on his own, but they didn't seem fussed - it was more like they were just informing me. Like your DS, he is very happy and sociable around people he's known a little longer, LOVES playing pretend games etc., and doesn't display any negative behavior towards other children. The nursery have also mentioned that he is 'very chatty' with members of staff. It's just that he's happy playing alone, too, which I don't think is a negative thing! Not worried, and probably won't be unless this continues into primary school.