Other mum's seem off- am I being hypersensitive?

[Atreelapse]

My child is two and when my child started nursery a couple of the other mum's were very friendly and we had playdates etc. Once or twice they asked me to go out in the evening- I did go out the group twice, and we all went on a couple for a couple of playdates but for a couple I was busy, that was time ago, and we met up afterwards. I suppose I wasn't the meet up every day type. One time when we all went out one in the evening, they started to talk about another mum who wasn't there- this sometimes makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, and I didn't mean to sound holier than thou, but I said I thought they were being mean- I said it in a jokey way. Any way, I am reflecting on what I may have done wrong and wondering if this may have caused offence.

Recently they haven't been inviting me to things which I don't mind at all, but when I heard one of their children had a birthday party (the child whose birthday party it was is older than my child and they aren't good friends so I understand we wouldn't be invited) but it seems everyone was invited but us, even the children who are the same age as my child. I keep bumping into the mum's at nursery drop off's and they keep suggested meeting up and how they ave been meaning to text or call me but haven't got round to it. It's a bit embarrassing as I'd rather they didn't say it, if they don't mean it. One lady had us over for supper one evening some time ago and I sent a text inviting them back and they didn't reply- I don't think we did anything awful!

I coud be being very oversensitive and they could be busy, and I'm quite independent sometimes, so perhaps I have appeared "off", but they haven't said that I have done anything to offend them, but their behaviour suggests that I have, and I feel really hurt. We live in a very nice area, we are all in similar circumstances - the only difference being is I went back to work for a bit. I know it's silly, and these things really don't matter, but as I said, I feel hurt and feel that to fit in with other mum's I have be something I'm not- does anyone else feel like that? Any thoughts?

I do appreciate any feedback, perhaps I have appeared rude somehow, as a non bias group, what do you think?

Been there, got several t shirts. My kids are older now, but I do sympathise. I always seemed to be overlooked or I would inadvertently say the "wrong' thing. Ended up feeling excluded. Still feel the same now.
When DD was at nursery, got friendly with another mum. New to the area, so was glad of this. Got in to a discussion with the mum on some aspects of the nursery that I/we weren't really very happy with. No big deal
A month or so later, realised that another mum[friend of my friend] had blamed me for informing the nursery staff that she had been slagging the nursery staff off. Led to a dressing down for the third mum. I had not said a word, the whole thing was nothing to do with me. Instead of asking me outright, her and my so called friend, had set a sort of trap for me,[ too ridiculous for words], and more importantly had told the other mums what I had" done." everything was false, no truth in it, but my relationships with the other mums never really recovered.
The maddening thing was, I didn't realise what these two so called friends had done until way after the children had left nursery, and gone to school. I began to understand why some of these women gave me such a wide berth. To this day I still feel hurt by this

I no longer try to fit in and am much happier. Can't really be arsed - life is too short. People either like me or they don't. It's taken me a long time to get to this point though.

I do try to be polite and friendly - do unto others etc.

I'm sorry you have both experienced this. I guess it's human nature, I wish people would be more open,.

I am the Mum they were being mean about. And then they created a group of FB to bitch about me behind my back. And now I have no local friends

Disclaimer - Not the actual mum, but same situation

I have no friends. Have tried and tried, but it always goes wrong. As someone else has said, given up now, just do my own thing.

My NCT group are like this. I hear second hand about visits they've organised (not all together but in bunches) or sometimes I text or email to invite out and get no reply.
It would be easy to get offended but I honestly just think they're lazy/busy/tired.
What I do get back (the occasional coffee, 2 showed up at DD's birthday) is enough to keep me going. Maybe I'm just being daft.
However, I don't really hear them bitching about each other so it's easier not to worry.

How often do you show willing/put yourself out and invite people to do things?

I see you texted someone to invite them to yours but they didn't get back to you. Does that happen a lot?

I think if people have extended invitations a few times to invite you out, but you never invite them out back then they can lose interest.

But if you don't like their bitchiness (and I wouldn't) then does it really matter anyway?

Also - when you're invited to do things, do you commit to them? I have a friend I know longer invite to do anything as she always replied with "maybe/possibly/could be fun" and expected to just kind of leave me hanging and guessing to see if she would come or not.
So now I don't invite her to anything and she looks upset when she hears I've been out with other friends

If I texted someone to extend an invite and they didn't reply, I would ask them if they got the message - maybe I am unusually thick-skinned??

I think maybe you need to do some inviting, if you want to maintain these friendships. If not, and you don't like them very much, have a think about whether you need to expand your circles and meet some new people.

They don't sound very nice!

But do you make an effort with organising stuff and inviting people over. I'm always the organiser and I get fed up of it. There's a few people I've given up with as they never arrange to see me!

Hi, thanks for your replies ladies. To be fair, I guess I have been "a bit flakey" when we first moved here, I was really down and we were quite busy, "we" -my husband, child and I- and they did a lot of inviting - playdates very regularly, I invited them here a lot but I wasn't into meeting every day. I guess I was like your friend who said "maybe, possibly" sometimes. I also wasn't able to make a group meal, I was working at the time, and I thought I had replied, but the lady organising it sent a text that day asking if I was coming - I had been working and could't make it, i thought I had replied but hadn't officially. So I can understand this may have offended, on reflection. What was odd though, was that she was keen to meet up following that, as was I. I suggested meet up's following this.

So I guess perhaps I have appeared a bit rude, but it feels like I'm now being very openly ignored. The lady who said she would text this afternoon (she has also said that a few times recently, and hasn't) I decided to call, I then text her too and suggested meeting on certain days and said not to worry if she couldn't make it, I have had no answer, I am without a doubt she has received it, the thing is, I can understand if she is busy, or they are doing their own things, I just feel now completely excluded, and not just me, more my child too. I also saw the lady who I had asked to dinner, later, from a drop off, we were walking in the same direction home, I saw some mutual friends who were with her, and they turned to say hi, yet she had seen me earlier, yet she didn't wait, it's stupid and so silly, but I found it hurtful it was also quite openly a snub in front of the others too. I appreciate I am sounding like a five year old... but I feel so hurt!

I meant to also say, we have had playdates etc since the group meal thing. It was just the sudden drop of friendship, and this happened as soon as a couple of them became very close.

I understand we aren't similar, and I knew that a couple had a lot in common (I new them individually before they became friends) and I even suggested they all get together as they are really similar and really nice (not sure I completely agree with the nice bit now, but they were certainly friendly and extrovert).

I knew we wouldn't all be close friends, I was apprehensive about them when they discussed a member of the mum's who was unable to come to the dinner that night, the problem is, I am feeling slightly paranoid I'm now being the one discussed - hopefully not!

We don't do playdates. I don't socialise with school mums. I have no interest in them or their offspring. They are all bonkers.

lol LaGuardia

thiswayforcrazy that's awful, some people never grow up.

My feeling is that this group friendship would require more than you'd ever be willing to put into it. I understand it's horrible though when you feel perhaps your child is being overlooked. I wish I could think of something to do about it but I can only hope someone more resourceful is around :)

\i think you were well rid of them they were talking about somebody and you said they were mean I am sorry they are blanking you it can be hurtful but I think you will make new nicer friend you were not prepared to gosip so they dumped you sadly you didnt do anything wrong,

My kids are junior age and I am not in touch with anyone they went to nursery with. All the kids went off to different schools and made new lasting friendships at school. Actually one of my boys IS now close friends with someone he went to nursery with but they never had anything to do with each other at nursery and I hardly spoke to his mum other than making small talk in the corridor.

I'm not sure why some people get so wound up about forging relationships with other parents of nursery age children unless their children are very close. . Even then just because your children get on doesnt make it compulsory for you as parents to have anything in common.

Seriously they sound like they have too much time on ther hands if they are bitching about other mums. Maybe they would do better to get a job and make some true friends that they don't want to bitch about!

They were bitching about another one of the mums, you pulled them up on it, which they didn't like. They sound like a lovely bunch NOT.
Can't be arsed with any if it, certainly at my stage( babies aged 4m) . Perhaps I'll have to when DTs are at school, but for now my old mates, some with kids, some without, are far better than a load of forced friendships with NCT mums and the like.

Thanks for the replies. ThiswayforCrazy- I'm so sorry that happened, did you know 1 in 100 people have a "Bully" personality defect, obviously you happened to meet a whole bunch of them... My husband says that FB is an opportunity to show off a life you don't lead...to be honest with you, if I saw, even on a great friend's FB page, something openly unkind about someone else I would think that it was very childish and it would almost certainly lower my opinion of the person who posted it. I'm not sure if that helps, I'm just noting that actually people with half a brain will speak as they find.

Curlyhairedassassain, you're right, I knew I wasn't going to be great friends with these people, I knew my LO probably wouldn't want their children as best friends too. It just feels really hurtful, I should think "they aren't great friends", and perhaps I was unkind as I thought that from the start, but my LO goes to nursery with them. Even if I really disliked them, I would politely say hello and I wouldn't even mind if they thought I wasn't their "type" as I don't think we are similar.

On reflection, I know they have moaned about people who seem miserable and they are all so smiley, and as I said , when I first came here I was probably a bit miserable! We moved to a town in the middle of nowhere and it was hard, I'm also very slightly introverted, so I don't open the doors and shout hello - I try to smile and be friendly as much as possible though, I'm not quiet. Besides, I know, logically this shouldn't matter, but I also hate the thought of my child's nursery buddies parents being "off".

They are well educated (seemingly, certainly married to well educated men) , attractive women (I'm not talking 20 year olds, we are talking late 30s!) living nice lives- they have no reason to feel insecure, they should be really happy- they seem it, and the fact they were so friendly and lots of people are friendly with them too, makes me a feel a bit rubbish to be honest. As I said, ridiculous as I didn't plan to form great friendships. We all live locally too, and everyone knows everyone.

Perhaps I am asking for help with my reaction. I have an ok job, I have other things and people in my life, my husband thinks the whole thing is odd and says stay focus on the important things, but I couldn't sleep thinking about it. They can be really bubbly, lots of people like them but I guess I didn't fit the mould. It's so silly as I have so much, I didn't need them as friends either, I don't mean that unkindly, but as I said I knew we were not going to be spending much time together outside playtime.

I know it shouldn't matter, I worry what they say to other mum's and I feel for my LO, I hope this nastiness doesn't extend to him so that he may ever notice. I don't think he could care less he wasn't invited to a birthday party btw! There is another mum, they were speaking badly about, she was a GP and they think she is too strict, I guess she is in my ostracised camp too.

I need to become resilient. I am ranting, as I said these people have little time in my life, just the behaviour has upset me and made me worry what they might say to others. It is as though I have done something awful. I can't think what though. I can't also understand why do they keep saying about meeting up it's almost like they are openly trying to look like they are running away, it just feels embarrassing and as I said I feel really hurt.

Smokedsalmonbagel, Actually I haven't been the organiser TBH. I probably could do more, I had thought that before, but we have quite full weekends quite often too and I have been working too- I missed a few fun days they had organised, but I was at work, and then on holiday.

BTW smokedsalmonbagel... your name has made me very hungry this morning, ha.

I wouldn't like to be part of a "group" of friends that had such high expectations regarding always doing things.

My bf is incredibly "flakey" with arrangements sometimes but I don't get annoyed because she's busy - we all are! Why aren't these women?

Another friend from school I see about once a month. It isn't like when we were teenagers and could just drop everything! Most people understand that.

I have been invited out by women from toddler group. It ends at lunch time and they are always going for drinks or lunch. I don't want to go for drinks and I can't afford to go out for lunch and that's all they seem to do so I'm not missing much really.

If they are bitching about other friends I'd say you're well rid anyway who needs to be back in the playground again?!

I'm already planning ahead for this. I get picked on wherever I go, I think I'm just a giant dork. I have a couple of people in my life who think I'm fantastic and that will do me. For the bitchy well-heeled nursery and schoolgate mums, I will make sure I am wearing a grotty hoodie, trainers (preferably with holes in them, if they happen to be gently squelching and letting out water with every step, so much the better) and headphones. Because I just can't care about this. I'll go mad. I always end up so hurt. I understand how you feel Op.

Urghhh the way you have described them, they sound absolutely ghastly.

Also being well educated (if they even are) doesn't have anything to do with personality :)