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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was DH U - or this dad?

41 replies

RevoltingPeasant · 23/09/2013 13:53

Posting at work so may be on and off thread....

This weekend DH and I went swimming, as always. DH came out of the showers looking a bit down. Didn't say much at first, but when questioned, said that a group of boys around 7-8-ish had been having an extended and loud discussion of 'what was wrong with him' and 'why did he look like that', which their dad/ male guardian who was there did nothing to stop.

DH has severe psoriasis which is very visible (all over his back) when he is in trunks.

It took me ages when we were first together to get him swimming (which he loves). He had never been since the psoriasis appeared, as he thought people would think it was a contagious skin disease and react badly. People do stare, and occasionally make comments, but mostly it is fine and we go twice a week now. DH is even thinking of going at lunchtime with work, which is a major step as it would mean colleagues seeing.

I did ask DH why he didn't approach the children himself, but we don't have DC yet (ttc) and like most childless blokes, he didn't really feel comfortable talking to strange children. He also said they were 'rude little shits' and it was none of their business what was wrong with him.

I was a bit at that, but I also think DH's feelings are pretty natural and really the dad should intervene. AIBU to expect the dad to step in, or it is natural for children of that age to comment tactlessly on difference, and do we just have to put up with it if we want to go swimming/ to the beach?

OP posts:

Jenny70 · 23/09/2013 14:01

The other dad should definitely have shut them up, it's not on to comment if someone is fat, skin condition, burns - whatever.

For future would your dh be comfortable in rashie top? Obviously doesn't cover changing, but in pool is covered from people's prying eyes...

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 · 23/09/2013 14:14

No, the dad should've said something, even if it was just a discreet 'OK, let's leave it, it's not our business' type comment. It is SO hard when your kids point out other people's differences, but at that age they should have a bit more sense. I would say "I think that man has eczema" and then change the subject.

CandidaDoyle · 23/09/2013 14:16

I sympathize massively with your dh, I suffer with psoriasis too and it effects my confidence in many ways. I'm ashamed to say I avoid taking the kids swimming etc, because I hate my skin being on display.

A while ago I had an emergency hospital admission for something unrelated, and the stress made my skin worse than ever. The ward sister told me she used to get the same until she had her tonsils removed and now her skin is entirely clear.

I too get tonsillitis many times a year and I'm now on the list to have them whipped out. I've been told to expect 10 days of agony after the op, but I suffer for many more days than that over the year. I have no idea if my skin will improve after, but I'm hoping so.

Original poster

RevoltingPeasant · 23/09/2013 14:27

Candida thanks, that's interesting. I think it is tough for us, because we don't have DC yet, so my natural reaction is 'That's really annoying behaviour, but I guess that is what kids are like, and I will learn one day'.

This just got to me because DH loves swimming and it is one of the few forms of regular exercise he does, and it hacks me off big time that some dim comments might damage that for him.

OP posts:

KellyElly · 23/09/2013 14:32

Really bad of the parent to not tell the kids off for being rude. My ex had it and always found that the sun cleared it up massively. Some people are just nasty about it. My toxic mother said 'oh you don't want to have a baby with someone who's got something wrong with them like that. They might pass it on'

Thepoodoctor · 23/09/2013 14:36

I have a seven year old boy who has mild ASD and the tact of a flying brick. However he still needs to learn ...

I can't always stop the initial query but I would always shut him up firmly with a reminder that we don't make remarks about people we don't know. In your DHs case I would have explained later that the man probably had eczema and really didn't want the world and his wife passing comment on it.

So yes I think the boys dad should have intervened.

Hope your DH is okay and continues to swim. An alternative to approaching the kids might be to have a word with the dad - a lot of parents would prefer you speak to them if their child is being a nuisance and this might be easier for him?

Dawndonnaagain · 23/09/2013 15:43

I have psoriasis and I don't do swimming either, despite swimming for the school many moons ago. The man should have shut them up, bloody rude. I don't mind answering questions about it, but rudeness is answered with rudeness, when people are of the 'Ugh what's wrong with her' variety, they get told that I'm allergic to rude people.
On a different note, dt1 who also has it, and I use Trilogy vital moisturiser and Trilogy 'Everything balm'. We use the moisturiser for day and at night, put on the slightly greasier everything balm, which we keep in the fridge. It isn't cheap but a little goes a long way and we find it helps a lot.
Sorry this happened to him.

myroomisatip · 23/09/2013 16:03

I know someone who used a coconut oil based moisturiser and it improved hugely. I would even try organic coconut oil, it worked wonders on my skin.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 23/09/2013 16:09

If they were my DCs I would have stepped in and stopped it.
And also apologised to your DH.

Yes, children ask questions when they see something that is out of the ordinary to them, for want of a better phrase.

But obviously you cannot let them go on and on, children have to learn that they cannot talk about people, and Hirt their feelings.

I used to tell my DCs that it is not necessary to point out things relating to a persons appearance because it can be hurtful. And it is important to be kind.

The father should have stopped it.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 23/09/2013 16:09

*hurt.

thebody · 23/09/2013 16:11

oh dear how horrible for your dh and I agree with him, these kids are horrible as at age 7 I would have been livid if mine spoke like that. even 4 year olds know its horrible to make remarks like this with a yeuk or should do.

just think how lovely your children will be with you to being them up properly.

tell your dh to keep swimming.

thebody · 23/09/2013 16:12

oh and the father with them. dreadful parenting.

PissesGlitter · 23/09/2013 16:18

A friend of mine got some sort of sun bed treatment at our local hospital (probably not a proper sun bed but she said its similar)

The improvement was amazing

Mama1980 · 23/09/2013 16:21

The parent should have said something. Children will always be curious but should be pulled up if their rude.
I get this a lot I'm massively scarred following a car crash, and subsequent emergency c section plus numerous surgeries since. Children always stare, and often ask, if I had overheard I would have stepped out and asked them if they wanted to know what was 'wrong.' Sometimes I tell them I was bitten by a dinosaur or crocodile some believe me some don't or I tell the truth if their older, it always makes them think.

zatyaballerina · 23/09/2013 16:26

By that age they should know not to make personal comments like that, the dad was very wrong in not stopping them immediately. Inconsiderate, shitty parenting.

Your poor husband

holidaysarenice · 23/09/2013 16:31

The boys dad should have intervened. Tho with courage you dh could have said, I have a skin condition called psorasis, its quite painful, be glad you don't have it.

Or if he was feeling mean, its not any worse than your x feature!!!!

WorrySighWorrySigh · 23/09/2013 16:33

Your DH was entirely reasonable and I am surprised that you are shocked at your DH's comment. They were rude. In the same position I would probably have felt exactly the same.

Of course the other dad should have told them to stop commenting on other people (quite frankly he should have started that some time ago).

BopsX3 · 23/09/2013 16:35

I think questions from kids about differences is to be expected, however, they need to be taught there's a time and a place for it. The father of those children should've put a stop to it in that situation.

PedantMarina · 23/09/2013 16:35

I was half this age, made a remark (I think it was about somebody being short) that possibly wasn't even audible to the party, and I got the shit walloped out of me by DGM.

Not saying that's OK these days (not saying it was then either, but a whole 'nother thread...), but the father was VU for not just not telling off at the time, but for allowing them to get to this age, thinking it's acceptable behaviour.

BTW, love the "allergic to rude people" remark! Brilliant!

Turniptwirl · 23/09/2013 16:40

It is natural for kids to comment but the adult supervising them should've stepped in and forcibly changed the subject and told them to drop it.

DH is understandably upset by the comments about something that obv bothers him anyway. Hopefully his colleagues will have more sense than the kids though!

Original poster

RevoltingPeasant · 23/09/2013 16:41

Thanks all! Worry I was shocked that he used the phrase 'little shits' as this is not normally a phrase I would use about DC - nor would he, usually! He is normally very pacific, if not (like most men, I suppose) wildly fond of Other People's Children.

He said the dad sort of avoided eye contact and muttered 'I don't know' after being asked several times 'what's wrong with that man' etc.

We presume he was the dad, anyhow! Maybe he was just some poor random bloke, same as DH

Anyhow, DH won't try moisturisers etc as his skin doesn't bother him massively (except the way it looks) and he finds the ones that work are really thick and get all over the sheets etc. I think his skin doesn't bother him, just other people's reaction.

OP posts:

Original poster

RevoltingPeasant · 23/09/2013 16:42

Turnip I think with adults his major concern is someone will think he is contagious and ask him to leave or something. Also just embarrassment as he thinks of it as unattractive, and it is not something you can see easily without his clothes on, so his colleagues might be taken aback.

OP posts:

HaveToWearHeels · 23/09/2013 16:47

the Dad should have stepped in and stopped it, instead of sticking his head in the sand. My DD (age 3) quite often points things out, wheel chairs, bald heads, big noses, I just tell her everyone is different and she should treat everyone the same, no matter what.
You get used to dealing with this as a parent to a pre schooler and unfortunately if they are still doing it at 6-7 then bad parenting is to blame.

Madamecastafiore · 23/09/2013 16:51

The dad should have said something but so should your DH IMO. Children can be incredibly cruel but he could have spoken up, told them what it was, that it was not contagious and that it can be terribly hurtful to someone's feelings if they are spoken about like that.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/09/2013 16:53

I don't think children are cruel, in the main. Just thoughtless and inexperienced.

I quite understand and sympathise with your DH. in the moment I might think "little shits".

The father should have shut down the conversation

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