Was DH U - or this dad?

[RevoltingPeasant]

Posting at work so may be on and off thread....

This weekend DH and I went swimming, as always. DH came out of the showers looking a bit down. Didn't say much at first, but when questioned, said that a group of boys around 7-8-ish had been having an extended and loud discussion of 'what was wrong with him' and 'why did he look like that', which their dad/ male guardian who was there did nothing to stop.

DH has severe psoriasis which is very visible (all over his back) when he is in trunks.

It took me ages when we were first together to get him swimming (which he loves). He had never been since the psoriasis appeared, as he thought people would think it was a contagious skin disease and react badly. People do stare, and occasionally make comments, but mostly it is fine and we go twice a week now. DH is even thinking of going at lunchtime with work, which is a major step as it would mean colleagues seeing.

I did ask DH why he didn't approach the children himself, but we don't have DC yet (ttc) and like most childless blokes, he didn't really feel comfortable talking to strange children. He also said they were 'rude little shits' and it was none of their business what was wrong with him.

I was a bit at that, but I also think DH's feelings are pretty natural and really the dad should intervene. AIBU to expect the dad to step in, or it is natural for children of that age to comment tactlessly on difference, and do we just have to put up with it if we want to go swimming/ to the beach?

As he didnt actually say this to the rude little shits themselves or their Dad then I think he was quite restrained!

You start dealing with inappropriate comments from the day your DCs start making them. You dont let it go - ever.

True

But I'm not comfortable with small - infant school age children being called little shits or their motives being presumed. They are learning what's polite to say out-loud and what isn't. That's all

Jamie, totally - to be fair, this was about 5 minutes afterwards and he was still smarting. I think this may have bothered me more than him! He would never normally talk about a child like that.

Revolting

Sorry, I didn't mean your DH. As I said, I can well imagine feeling like this. I actually meant people on this thread

Yanbu at all. I wouldn't allow my dc to make remarks like that no way.

It is virtually unanimous. Their dad, if he was their dad, should have intervened firmly. He should also have apologised to your husband, and made the boys do so as well.

It is true that kids can upstage you, as parents are not mindreaders, so cannot know what is next to come out of their mouths. Parents cannot afford to let outright rudeness of this sort go though. If they do then the kids never learn the correct boundaries.

I have brought up three kids, now aged from 18 to 11. I would have come down on them heavily for saying any such thing in such a public arena. I like to think that I taught them to wait until they are somewhere private before asking pointed questions, and I still regularly say that they should try not to judge people.

If your husband gets any comments in the future from kids that age and the parent (if present) does nothing to stop them then I think it would be reasonable of him to say something to them. OK, maybe not "rude little shits" even though that may be the truth, but to make clear that he is very uncomfortable with their behaviour and hopes they don't think it is OK to treat everyone they meet with such disrespect.

Jamie, problem is they werent learning anything and TBH if you dont say it to the children or their parents then I dont see what the problem is in saying to one's partner that a bunch of children were being rude little shits.

It may not be a nice thing to say. It may not be a kind thing to say. But sometimes people need to give vent to their feelings.

Unless of course the Thought Police are out in force.

Oh no, I don't mean he shouldn't think it or say it. He was really hurt. What I object to is small children being blamed as cruel etc when actually it's up to their parents to teach them. It's normal for children to have poor social skills

That's all.

I think we are agreeing!

I think most parents would have said something to our children, pointing out to them that they are being rude and their comments are hurtful

Phew, I thought people would be all 'they were just children, your DH needs to man up' style of thing.

To those saying he should engage with them: his response is it was none of their business. And tbh, although I think would've said something myself, we are both early 30s and British. I think it's fairly understandable if a man doesn't go up to strangers' children in our culture (sadly!).

I am just imagining the outraged reverse AIBU:

My DS and his brother were talking between themselves in the pool changing rooms, when a Strange Man came up to them, completely starkers, and started showing them part of his body AIBU to alert child protection officers across the nation?

What a crock of trash, he needn't have been bloody naked but it is unreasonable to moan about kids who probably just do not know what psoriasis is yet not actually have a stern word with them and educate them.

I for one would have applauded someone doing that to a bunch of kids if they were my kids or not.

We are indeed Jamie!

On the whole I agree that children arent intentionally cruel. However I do think by that age they are learning to do things to get a reaction. Making their Dad or OP's DH squirm may have just seemed like a good game.

Could you not go to any adult only swims?

Madame, I was just being lighthearted in the last post....! Also do you not think people with children might feel differently than those without?

Molly I don't think we should have to change our behaviour personally, though I do see why you suggested that.