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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish people would graciously take "no" for a complete answer?

31 replies

flyingwidow · 23/09/2013 11:32

As in, following an invite, when you RSVP to say you can't come...

You then get a follow up email/text saying "are you sure?", "couldn't you get X,Y,Z to babysit for you?", "what a shame"...

If people come back and say no to me, I suck it up. Albeit I may be disappointed, but that's life. I rarely bail on on people, and love a good party- BUT sometimes I just can't make it! AIBU to be fed up of the guilt trips... "they'll be no-one coming at this rate". Yawn.

It really gets my goat.

OP posts:
ItWasLightCreamCheese · 23/09/2013 11:47

YANBU. I hate this. I would never dream of hassling someone or attempting to guilt-trip when they have told me no. It's so disrespectful and bloody rude!

i got it just this past weekend, as a matter of fact, about a baby shower that I absolutely could not get to unless I became suddenly capable of astral travel or whatnot, and still I get the 'oh, but you could come, just bring the kids, don't worry about the drive' etc. Angry I said no, ffs!

Original poster
flyingwidow · 23/09/2013 12:14

Pleased it's not just me! I find I have quite a short fuse nowadays!

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 23/09/2013 12:19

I guess people don't like me very much because when I tell them no, they accept it. Or I have friends who know nagging is irritating. One or the other.

Perhaps some better friends? Or a worse personality? Your choice.

Haribojoe · 23/09/2013 12:21

YANBU, had the same over a weekend away recently.

Yes I had arranged it and yes it was a great shame I couldn't go. Then spent two days being bombarded with "helpful" suggestions of ways around the fact that DH was now away and I had no one to look after 4DC.

People mean well but it just added massively to my stress and disappointment

DaleyBump · 23/09/2013 12:23

YADNBU. My gran does this ALL THE TIME. Every single time I speak to her I have to go through the whole "no thank you but thank you anyway I'm grateful for the offer that's so kind please stop asking me now I've already said no" thing.

FeliciaDoolittle · 23/09/2013 12:24

I think a "it's a shame you can't come, you'll be missed" is fine. Anything over and above that is unhelpful.

Original poster
flyingwidow · 23/09/2013 12:34

It annoys me almost as much as the people that make a massive song and dance when you leave a party.

Think I would be well suited to Victor Meldrew at the moment- I am so bloody short tempered! Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
flyingwidow · 23/09/2013 12:52

So, just emailed back, to say so sorry- but no- I REALLY can't sort out childcare (DH is working away that weekend, nearest and dearest all busy, my usual babysitter is 15yo- and the bash is an 1 1/2 hr drive away so not sure that's ideal!!)...

And I have had the "just bring your DS"... (3 yo Hmm)

So, now 2 emails being ungracious in guilt tripping.

Tee- think you may be right. Time for new friends. Thinking I am just not going to reply now.

OP posts:
badbride · 23/09/2013 13:00

I agree it's best not to reply to the latest email, flyingwidow. You've politely declined the invitation, no more is required. If you reply, you're likely to get more guilt-tripping.

pianodoodle · 23/09/2013 13:06

YANBU we used to get this constantly from In-laws.

If a date didn't suit them we didn't question it but a date that doesn't suit us? Impossible, apparently!

"What's the problem with Sunday?"

"How disappointing"

"Such a shame you can't make the effort"

Angry
Tavv · 23/09/2013 13:24

Don't give a reason why you can't attend something, just say you're busy or unable to come. Some people will jump on any reason to try to make you change your mind. If people ask, just say it was lovely to be asked but unfortunately you can't make it. Even if you have to keep sending them the same text message "thank you but we can't make it".

EuphemiaLennox · 23/09/2013 13:34

If you saying you can't go because of childcare aren't they just being helpful in suggesting ways in which this could be gotten around?

They want you to go they're presuming you want to go but can't because of babysitters so suggesting you could bring your child.

They hardly sound like inconsiderate twats.

You do then have to explain why their suggestions won't work, which is obviously very tedious for you.

No is only a complete answer when you don't give a damn about how rude you are and no longer care about the others feelings or the relationship between you.

Otherwise a polite no requires some explanation and discussion.

SnoopySnoopyDoggDogg · 23/09/2013 13:42

Euphemia has a very good point, assuming you aren't just making excuses surely your friends are correct in assuming you wuld like to be able to go, and in that case maybe they think that you don't want to suggest bringing your dc but want to let you know it's ok with them because they'd actually really like to see you?

I do get that if people go on and on and offer solutions that you would obviously have thought about then it is annoying and tedious, but I can see the middle ground too.

LookingThroughTheFog · 23/09/2013 13:59

I also hate this. A colleague does a big Christmas bash every year, and gets positively bullying that you MUST go.

I get social anxiety, plus struggle to find babysitters, plus fitting in around other commitments, plus I really don't want to drive to a town I don't know... I've told her all this, but still get so many truly ridiculous suggestions to make it possible I come. One year she told me I could hide in the bedroom with the cats if it made me more comfortable. I was almost in tears with 'Thank you, but no, I really can't...' repeated over and over again.

It might well be that they're just suggesting alternative arrangements for you as a favour, but even so, read between the lines people - if someone says no they can't make it, assume that they get to make their own choices about that!

Original poster
flyingwidow · 23/09/2013 14:24

Euphemia I do get what you are saying- and I've written another email. The event is not eminently suitable for my young ds and it is a fair way away. But the offer of bringing him was kind, don't get me wrong- I just don't get it! When people say no to me- I don't keep asking. I just think it's not very polite!

OP posts:
WeeHelena · 23/09/2013 16:24

Yanbu,I get this particularly from my sister recently she has invited me several times to attend a hen do/weekend for her friend iv never met to make up numbers no doubt
And doesn't seem to take no for an answer.
.
Iv politely declined and said I don't know the lassie.
She will probably ask me again why I won't come.
a hen do with strangers does not appeal to me and shouldn't be just a reason for a piss up.

'No' is a full sentence Grin nicked from mn but is very useful for a mindset.

EuphemiaLennox · 23/09/2013 16:57

There's a difference between constantly badgering someone and trying to help someone overcome the obstacles they've cited for not being able to attend.

Both sides need to judge where the line is on this.

I'd say suggesting you can bring your DS could be viewed as helpful.

Going oh please please bring your DS it'll be fine, go on, please, after you've made it clear you don't want to go with your DS, is badgering.

No being a complete sentence is something regarded as mightily clever on MN, when actually in most RL situations it'll just make you seem like a weird tosser.

It can only be used when you no longer care if they think you're a tosser or not.

Mimishimi · 23/09/2013 22:36

YANBU. Had similar lately when I told my dance teacher that,no, I didn't want to do an office party gig (because she has a bad habit of not paying us at all, not even with lunch, l but pocketing the entire fee herself!). I clearly said no and she came back with the "you could do this...we could do this....etc". Have also had it when being asked to look after other peoples kids, sometime even when they are sick Hmm

emsyj · 23/09/2013 22:46

Is this a stealth Popularity Boast? Wink

"It annoys me almost as much as the people that make a massive song and dance when you leave a party."

They must really want you there - try and feel a little bit flattered! It seems a shame to be annoyed with them when they clearly just would love for you to go. If they got shitty with you and said 'screw you, arsehole!' when you say 'No I really can't make it' then fair enough, that would be wrong - but they're just keen for your company, which is rather lovely. Isn't it? Confused

TheHouseCleaner · 23/09/2013 22:58

Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's not just me then!

The ones that really get my goat, whether it's a party invitation or cancelling a dentist appointment, are the questions like, "Can't you ask someone to childmind?" or "Can you not ask your husband to drive you?" or Can't you change the date?". FGS, I'm a reasonably intelligent adult, if I could do any of those things don't you think I would have arranged them?! If I say sorry I can't make it because of so and so situation then I can't effing well make it!

Iamsparklyknickers · 23/09/2013 23:00

It's nice to be wanted, but assuming there's nothing else going on in the undercurrents, it quickly turns into harassment imho.

For example, everyone jumps on a night out (few and far between thank god) at my workplace. I'm not particularly fussed and one of the lowest paid so quite often decline, which is answered with a whining 'come on' to which I then feel I have to explain I can't really afford it - which isn't particularly nice for me and once apparently was a green light to scrutinise my budget Hmm Although I probably could have afforded it, it would have meant forgoing something else I'd earmarked my leisure money for so I was left in the position of having to avoid saying outright that my personal life was a higher priority than a meal with colleagues.

A 'that's a shame' is more than sufficient - turning it into a mission to change someones mind is not.

chickydoo · 23/09/2013 23:14

This is happening to me as we speak!
A good friends birthday on Friday. I am at work all day ( self employed, have a diary full of clients booked in advance)
Friend is having lunch with a few mutual friends, asked if I could come. I politely declined. Then I get the emails. " can you pop out for a bit"? "Can you get someone else to see your clients "?
"Surely you can manage lunch" Bloody Hell, no I can't make lunch or coffee, or anything on Friday, I need to work I can't loose my clients! I will be doing a 10 hour day, and will be lucky to have time for. Wee Blush I don't think some people understand.

EmmaKate1985 · 24/09/2013 16:21

No!! - I hate it when people don't take no for an answer I find it, like you say, extremely disrespectful and rude. I'm not perfect - I have many faults but if someone says no to me I COMPLETELY accept it. This is my greatest bugbear and it's happened to me with ex partners and family members.

Lazysuzanne · 24/09/2013 17:29

I find it best to just say that I cant make it but not to give an explanation.
if you say 'I cant make it because of xyz' some people take that as an invitation to find a solution to whatever xyz is and then to start negotiating with you as to whether or not you can or cant make it.

I have noticed that alot of people seem to feel obliged to give reasons or justify what they do, I think this puts you in a subordinate position with regard to other people.
A person who feels they are in control of a situation tends not to feel the need to explain themselves

hiddenhome · 24/09/2013 17:39

What people need to realise is that they're not the centre of the universe and if someone gives a reason why they can't do something, it might be an excuse and they should accept the reason.