Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil passed away 5 days ago, Sil is a grabby bitch or AIBU?

40 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 22/09/2013 19:39

My Mil died last Tuesday. She was diagnosed with lung cancer 7 weeks ago.

My Mil had been ill about 3 years ago but made a good recovery. She was housebound for 9 months. I looked after her. I took her to every hospital & doctor appointment. I cleaned her house, did the shopping or ran errands,

My Sil hardly came to see Mil. She lives about 45 min drive from Mil.

Sil turned up yesterday. She's cleared Mil house. I went round today & there is nothing left. Even the look rolls & washing powder are gone.

Dp & i have paid for everything going into Mil house for 6 weeks as Mil couldn't remember her pin numbers & we didn't have power of attorney. We are paying for the funeral as Sil says she's no money.

What really hurt was the state of Mil house today. Take away just left in the kitchen. Ashtrays all over the house, beer bottles in the living room & kitchen. Rubbish bags open in the garden...total lack of respect. Im furious. Shes a grabby bitch...Im AIBU? Mil wasn't my mum but i love her like a mum. Sil couldn't give a shit about her.

Its not my stuff but she had no right to take anything. All the photos are gone. Tvs, stereo, food, linen, cleaning stuff, glasses, curtains, camera... When i called her, she told me she's coming back on Tue for the washing machine, fridge freezer & sofas!

AIBU or has Sil every right to do this as Mil was her mother?

OP posts:
foreverchanging · 22/09/2013 19:42

YANBU, tough situation though as she was the daughter. Did MIL leave a will?

SIL sounds a bit toxic.

So sorry for your loss Sad

ZiaMaria · 22/09/2013 19:43

Until MILs estate has been dealt with, none of that stuff is hers. It belongs to the estate. I'd personally call the poolice and report her for theft.

JerseySpud · 22/09/2013 19:44

What Zia said

It is not SILs to take. The will has to be read first. Report her to the police for theft.

JakeBullet · 22/09/2013 19:45

Did MIL leave a Will? I have a feeling that your SIL is in a dodgy position here as legally none of that stuff is hers.

CoconutRing · 22/09/2013 19:45

I'm sorry your SIL has behaved so badly.

Did your MIL have a will? IIRC, if she left everything to your SIL then there is not much you can do. If MIL didn't leave a will then your SIL has technically stolen property that does not belong to her.

I would suggest that you get some legal advice.

I'm sorry for your loss.

JakeBullet · 22/09/2013 19:45

So sorry for your loss though, it sounds like you and she were close.x

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 22/09/2013 19:45

Yanbu.
Condolences at this sad time.
What does your DP think about his sister's actions and behaviour?

gremlindolphin · 22/09/2013 19:46

YANBU but I don't know what you should do! DH needs to talk to her.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 22/09/2013 19:47

No Mil left no Will, life insurance or savings...well about £1000 in her current account as she hasn't been able to access her money.

We've had to pay for all her Incontinent products as the assessment took so long & the equipment was delivered the day after she died. Those things cost a fortune. Sil never offered to pick some up or bring some milk/bread when she visited.

Its the unfairness of it all, that makes me so cross...

OP posts:
Rachel778 · 22/09/2013 19:47

Your SIL sounds like a vulture .

YANBU

itsn0tmeitsyou · 22/09/2013 19:49

Horrible behaviour!

Does your DH have a decent relationship with her? Can he explain to her without causing a family feud/split around this time that she can't just take the stuff?

Sorry for your loss, this sort of this just makes it even harder.

CoconutRing · 22/09/2013 19:49

Change the locks. Call the Police. Your SIL is a thief.

itsn0tmeitsyou · 22/09/2013 19:50

*thing

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 22/09/2013 19:51

Dp dislikes his sister at the best of times! He can't work out why Im so shocked!

He just keeps saying once the funeral is over we will never have to deal with Sil never again. Really sad as its only the two of them.

I presumed we would share photos & ornaments etc. Sell everything else & share it 50/50.

OP posts:
nicename · 22/09/2013 19:51

Sorry about your MiL. Cancer is a bitch.

Your SiL has no right to touch anything. Until you have paid death duties, its not anyones. When the estate is valued, they will not believe that she lived in a house with no furniture or electricals, jewellery, etc and will demand to see receipts if she tries to say that it was all her stuff on loan (not gift).

She is a stinky grave-robber with no respect. Of course her mum may have said 'strip the house so that the effing tax man doesn't get his hands on it' but its still technically stealing from the estate.

I'd back off though. She's lost her mum and not likely to be receptive to suggestions.

Bogeyface · 22/09/2013 19:52

Your DH needs to get on to her straight away that she is not to touch another thing as until probate has been completed, nothing is hers to take. Put her on notice that if anything else disappears, you will be calling the police as it is theft, and DO IT.

WestieMamma · 22/09/2013 19:52

YANBU at all. Funeral expenses come first. Anything of value ie tvs, washing machines, cameras have to be sold to pay for the funeral. Your SIL is a thief.

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 22/09/2013 19:52

Its a council house. Mil lived there for 42 years. I will clean the house & return the keys by the end of the week.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/09/2013 19:53

How utterly awful for you and DH and yep technically it's theft.

Nanny0gg · 22/09/2013 19:54

Sorry for your loss.

So if your MiL has died intestate then your SiL has even less right to anything yet. What does your DH say?

You'll need to contact a solicitor (before SiL does) to get things moving for probate.

Sorry, it all might become a little complicated.

PixelAteMyFace · 22/09/2013 19:55

YANBU

Your DH has as much right to your MIL`s stuff as his sister, she should not remove anything from the house without discussing it with him and sharing equally.

I`m sorry for your loss, this awful behaviour must be extremely upsetting for you, she sounds uncaring and insensitive.

Your MIL sounds to have been much luckier in her DIL than her DD.

thereinmadnesslies · 22/09/2013 19:55

If there is no will, the estate will come under the intestacy rules. This means that the value of the estate should be shared equally between the children of the deceased. You will need to work out the value of the estate for the forms - could you ask SIL to not be a grabby bitch to wait for everything to be valued before taking items from the house.

The money you've spent on things for MIL and the funeral should also be deducted from the estate and returned to you before the remaining value is divided up.

ZiaMaria · 22/09/2013 19:57

Seriously - call the police. She's just stolen the property that should be paying for MILs funeral.

PrimalLass · 22/09/2013 19:58

If you have to clear it next week anyway then I would move the washing machine, fridge freezer & sofas tomorrow.

EstoyAqui · 22/09/2013 20:00

I'm really sorry for your loss. Families often get weird and possessive following a death. Your SIL sounds awful.

I would echo the above. You need to have this noted and appoint a solicitor ASAP. When my Nan died my mum arrived at the house and instead of coming to see her mum she went straight upstairs to take my Nan's jewellry box. I wished I had stopped her at the time as I believe this is where my Nan's will was kept and as it was never found her estate was divided up via probate. It became a long drawn out affair.